Hi Anyone else with PTSD have panic attacks for no reason? *Trigger Warning*

[DistraitLilly]

My psychologist says i have PTSD well CPTSD and I have been through some traumatic stuff, oh um

*Trigger Warning*


I was groomed from a very young age and sexually abused by my narcisstic father for 6 years from age 12 til 18 when i went to Uni, at 15 I also witnessed a girl be seriously physically assaulted at The school bus stop, at 19 and 21 was raped different guys and just recently cornered in an office and verbally abused by my Boss who thought I was incompetent and falsifying my timesheet, he since apologised after trying to do my workload after I quit but damage was already done I can't go back to a place i no longer feel safe.

So I don't have flashbacks I don't remember dreams so no nightmares im aware of, I can talk about what graphic stuff I do remember in an aloof manner with as much emotion as flipping through an aldi catalogue, but truth is most of the time unless i have to see my parents i give it very little thought at all. But I have days when i feel so agitated and on edge but nothing has happened to trigger it, I can be washing the dishes and my heart starts to race my vision blurs i cant breathe properly. OR days I seem to be frozen and cant leave my bed my eyes glued to my phone tuning the world out. The anxiety and panic attacks seem to get worse the older i get. When I'm anxious my brain doesnt function properly from using the wrong words to not being able to answer a simple question at all so naturally I get angry. Yesterday my husband asked a question and took three steps towards me and I reacted like he was going to kill me severe panic and screaming at him to get out of my face (he was still 3 metres away). I am lucky he is compassionate and understands its not a rational reaction on my part and I am not scared of him logically speaking obviously my brain is slower realising that.

I always told myself I didn't want to be a victim being all woe is me won't get me anywhere seems denial hasn't worked out in my favour either have all the problems with some weird detachment to it as well.

I feel like I'm babbling now and dont know what I've said or where I was going and rather than spend another 8 hrs trying to write my introduction in just going to post it.

[Croix]

Dear DistraitLilly~

I've read some of your other posts helping other people and think you are a sensible and resilient person, also I think you have gone down the same rabbit hole I have.

I'm not going to deal with a serious matter as I do not wish to distress you or others, instead one about an unfortunate incident where I had to put some animals down.

I was a policeman and invalidity retired suicidal with what became known as PTSD, bouts of depression and constant anxiety, reliving some of the matters in my job, and genuinely forgetting others

I avoided everything to do with police for many years. This did not prevent both physical and psychological symptoms, from temper, to suicidal activity.

One thing I did not realy forget was the incident of the animals, which I could clinically talk about if asked but felt very remote from. I avoided those particular animals too, going out of my way not to interact with them and feeling trapped if I could not.

Many years later the whole thing came flooding back in great detail, distorted perhaps, with some things having more emphasis than others, but really affecting me. Crying, unable to talk, reliving the thing, all the symptoms one might expect, for quite a period. Now things are better, I'm back to clinically talking about the incident, but it is different and I'm more or less OK with it. I was able to deal with it.The whole experience was a lot more muted than the ones I felt earlier on

My psych told me it came back then because my mind was ready to deal with it.

So what am I saying? First that avoidance (my term, not necessarily a technical one) works short and long term, but comes at a price, with irrational behavior from time to time. Second in time the matter may come to the fore, and at least in my case I was able to recognize it, experience the matter in a non-clinical way, and now am able to not have it hanging over my head.

This is just an isolated incident, there are other matters that I'm still talking about clinical -or may have forgotten for now. I think they will not be so bad as I've imaged, hopefully, like the incident I've just described they will be muted, affect me less and be easier to deal with.

It might seem silly to use what appears to be a more trivial matter to compare with you, however I believe the 'mechanism' may be the same, and becoming irrational on your husband's approach is a similar thing, as is the panic attacks and freezing in bed.

Does any of that make sense?

Croix

[DistraitLilly]

Hi Croix,
Thank you it is comforting to know while we may not have had the same experiences/ trauma, but someone understands how my brain is working and there is hope that maybe one day I it will become available to me on an emotional level so that maybe i can deal with it.
Thank you for making me feel less alone

[Croix]

Dear DistraitLilly~

When I first became ill it did not look like anything would ever change, in fact the future -a sort of dark cloud if I though about it - was a cause of distress. Who wants to say at the very bottom of things permanently.

Then it became a worry, as I knew perfectly well some things had been avoided, and that one day they might come back to me full force.

As it turned out as things have surfaced I've coped. Not pleasant, makes for a hard time, but not as bad as before, and not as long lasting. I cannot speak for everyone, but I think I'm lucky.

I still get triggered, but it is more OK. My partner understands. We walked out of a police type movie the other evening half way though. I was crying (thogh trying not to show it) and we simply left. We had a coffee instead. My dreams that night were about the same matter, but only nightmares. They passed.

You are not alone

Croix

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi DistraitLilly,

Thanks for your post and I can see that Croix has already offered lots of support already. You are absolutely not alone in what you are going through. Honestly, what you are experiencing makes sense to what's happened to you, and I am sorry that you've had to go through these experiences.

Brains don't always make sense in trauma. Often when people think of trauma they think of constant vigilance and flashbacks, but dissociating, panicking and abnormal responses can all be apart of that too.

You said in your second post that maybe it will become available on an emotional level so you can deal with it - you do not have to wait. All of the things that you are experiencing now you can find ways to manage; whether that's feeling like you are looking at life through a catalogue, when your heart starts to race and your vision gets blurred, or even screaming at your husband.

rt