Relationship breakup due to suicide attempts

[Nashka]

Hi, I'm a newbie here reaching out for advise regarding the relationship with my now ex boyfriend. We have had a toxic relationship from the beginning. This was my first real relationship and I believed he was the one. But abuse snuck in and I put up with it. My two suicide attempts have been triggered by his lack of love and lack of caring and understanding. He has been hot and cold. I thought he was strong enough, and insisted he was, to help with my depression, anxiety, OCD and adjustment disorder. He then changed his tune and said it was too much and couldn't see a future with me. He is traumatized and has PTSD due to my attempts. I feel helpless because I have given my all to this relationship only to be left feeling even more alone and deserted than I did already.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Nashka,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. We know how hard it can be to reach out for support, but we are so glad that you've done so here today. It sounds like it has been a long journey that you have been on with your ex-partner, but please know that you’re not alone in this and that our community is here to work through this difficult time with you.
We just wanted to let you know that we have sent you an email with some extra support that you can use in addition to these forums.
We hope that you continue to check back in with our community when you feel ready. 

[Croix]

Dear Nashka~

I'd like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here. sometimes one's own thoughts and resources are not enough and it is both brave and wise to seek the experiences of others.

A first relationship is a huge event in a person's life, I remember mine vividly, but sadly due to lack of experience or ill chance it can fail. Then the person can become convinced it was their only chance and was responsible for it's failure. Neither is true.

Actually it looks like you simply had the bad luck to fall for someone who did not deserve you. Driving a person to try to kill themselves is a terrible thing, and to make it happen a second time is just plain wrong.

Any good relationship is two people that really care for each other, and your sounds one-sided, being abused, using the ploy of blowing hot and cold and then departing -blaming you in the the process. I seriously doubt he was traumatized or had PTSD, Probably just an excuse - what do you think?

You are not helpless, you have been though a really bad time, but it will have given you experience, so when the next time comes (it will, it happened to me and most other people too) you can know what to look for, and if it even starts to turn abusive will have the knowledge to stop it straight away before you get really hurt again.

I'm concerned about you at the moment. You feel deserted and alone, and have depression, anxiety , OCD and an adjustment disorder to cope with too. May I ask if you are receiving treatment for these? I simply go worse until I had the right medical help.

If you have please tell them about the times you tried to take your life- if they do not know already - as the right facts need to be known for the right treatment to be given.

No, I know it is not an easy thing to straight out talk about, embarrassing, frightening, worrying over consequences - I have written things down before now and handed the paper over, it makes it a lot easier.

Also is there anyone in your life to comfort and support you. A parent or freind that cares and can share your load?

I've been overwhelmed by things before now, and I strongly recommend the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) - you can web chat if you prefer. They are professional, realistic and care, as well as being practical. You can talk with them more than once without having to repeat your details, which makes it easier.

There is more I'd like to say but that is enough for now.

I do hope you come back and talk some more

Croix

[Nashka]

Thank you so much for your words.

My first suicide attempt landed me in a mental health hospital. I was there for 3 weeks and it was a safe environment. I have been out for just over 2 weeks and my second suicide attempt was witnessed by my ex partner. He was there for me and took care of me. It was like a new person inside an existing body. I will state that he has had a previous partner suicide in the past and I don't believe he ever received help for that incident. I can't be sure if he is actually is that traumatized or has PTSD over what I did but I feel he is suffering.

I have been chasing him this week, and in particular this weekend. Pulling out all stops to make this relationship work even though I know its toxic. Finally tonight I had enough and told him I wouldn't be fighting for our relationship anymore. I feel like he likes being chased. But I will focus on myself and learning to love myself from now on. I have a psychiatrist, psychologist and am on monitored medication. Work keeps me busy during the day but the evenings are lonely. I have gotten into the habit of drinking to ease the boredom and suffering I have been feeling.

[Croix]

Dear Nashka~

I'm glad you came back, you sound very alone. I too have been in hospital due to suicide, and found it unpleasant but very helpful to be way from life so to speak, as I suspect you have. Going from there back to the troubles outside is very hard and I'm not that surprised you attempted to take your life again, something I did too.

I may have done your ex an injustice, if he has had someone close suicide before, it will have left a very deep impression on just about anyone. That does not mean he is right for you, or you him.

Trying too hard to make a relationship such as this work is not good, it leaves you distraught as it has not worked, and probably does not help your ex either. If it had then you might have been back in a one-sided relationship, as you were before. You really do not need that lack of love and understanding to send you down again.

When faced with grief and loss when my partner died I too have tried to drown it out with work, and for a while it worked, though I suspect in the long term it only held things up. Still it was stability and 'normalcy' for a while.,

How do you feel about the drinking? Just as important how does your medical team feel? After all apart from anything else there can be unpredictable reactions with your medications, even making them ineffective at times.

Can I suggest if you have not in fact told them you do so. It is no terrible thing to admit, and any worth while psych will have struck the problem before, understand and take it in their stride.

Lonely evenings when the mind reruns tragedy over and over are very hard to cope with. Have you given any thought to what else you can do, occupations that take the mind away for a while? I use reading - lots of it- plus movies. Unlike you I have my partner to talk and just be with. Do you have family or freinds you can visit and talk with, enjoy their company?

Again htere may be more to say, but enough for now.

I hope to talk with you again, you are not totally alone

Croix.

[Nashka]

Hi Croix,

I'm thankful you shared your similar experience with me.

The situation with my partner/ ex partner is still shaky. He wanted his space but I couldn't let it go. I had an appointment with a social worker yesterday and asked if it would be beneficial to write the story of our relationship. Put it on paper to reflect how I felt and the experiences I went through. I was completely honest and actually forwarded it to my ex. It opened the window for verbal phone communication which lasted more than 2 hours. There were harsh words spoken due to both of us being upset, him in particular. He has unblocked me slightly from his life to assist me with my Adjustment Disorder. He has been messaging me constantly today, which gives me mixed signals. He actually mentioned wanting to spend Christmas with me before he received my email. Its very hard to mind read 🙂 Things seem to 'go wrong' after the fact.....

I do have friends that I can rely on, however they have lives of their own and cannot always be there for me. I have enrolled in classes in early 2020 (meditation, yoga) to socialise, make new friends and have activities to occupy me after work.

My psychologist, psychiatrist and social worker all know about the drinking issue.

The people at work who know my situation are protecting me and have supported me very well. Work is a distraction for a majority of the day, and I appreciate the vibe of being around people.

[Croix]

Dear Nashka~

Its hard to believe there is a whole world out there when circumstances and depression take over. You have a particularly difficult time becuse things are so uncertain. I've no idea if writing it all down and giving it to him was good. I do know it may have given you more hope, and again I've no idea if that is a good thing either. Maybe it is, perhaps it might make him realize more about you than he did before.

It is so easy to get bound up with just one thing, which I guess was a big factor when I was trying to take my life. The world shrinks down to a small and hopeless set of thoughts.

You are bound up in this relationship -only natural of course.

I remember being in a ward, many stories up, looking down to the ground, a few small trees or shrubs seen from above with small birds (pigeons I later found) flying from one to another. I was standing looking out the smoker's window, all frosted glass but for a small gap. I could see a busy street, with people hurrying along, small and foreshortened, going about their everyday lives.

Being isolated from it all was a blessing. I did not have to take part, and that started to give me perspective in my own troubles. When I came out I found that matters were not quite as overwhelming as they'd been before.

I hope you have reached that stage too, as there are no guarantees everything will work out as you wish - though I really hope it does.

I think you were very wise to let your medical team know about the alcohol and to make those plans for the new year. Having freinds and people at work understanding and wanting to help is a real blessing too.

Do you mind if I make a suggestion? - My apologies if you have already looked in this area - and that is to make a Saftey Plan.

There is a good one I personally find of use called BeyondNow. It is a smartphone app that you put in everything in advance you can think of that might give you a lift -plus the expected list of people and numbers of course. I've YouTube clips and books plus music and more in mine.

You find it here

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

I actually had someone who knew me very well to help fill it in, as I was not that good at thinking of things for myself.

The big advantage it is something easy to reach for when overwhelmed and not able to easily think.

My apologies for such a pessimistic post. I try to put myself in a position like yours and I think I would want a resource like that.

Croix

[Nashka]

Hi Croix,

I have BeyondNow on my phone and have a safety plan in place. I actually don't find it particularly helpful and may not even think to open up the app during my time of need. I will consider the Beyond Blue online chat in the future if needed. Speaking is hard for me when I'm upset.

My ex- partner has been communicating with me via text since the evening of our long chat. Initiating actually. I have Christmas presents I purchased for him before the break up which I'd like him to have and have offered to ship them to his work. He said I didn't have to. A mixed signal. Is it because he wants to see me or just doesn't want presents from me? I will just hold onto them. I have been quite good since the chat with my ex. Not as anxious in the evenings as I usually am. Perhaps I'm seeing in a new light? I now also have a social worker who I can speak to. I have a psychologist who has therapy dogs; I have an appointment tonight.

[Croix]

Dear Nashka~

Different resources for different people. Maybe on-line chat with Beyond Blue or Suicide Call Back Service may be more helpful for you. My typing is so poor I'd not be able to use them (takes ages to edit out all my mistakes in each post:(

Your support services are there and that's good. Actually the idea of therapy dogs is realy great, you see them around more than seeing eye dogs nowadays. I've a cat (Called Sumo Cat) that sits with me of an evening, that's therapy, at least for me, dunno what Sumo thinks.

Mixed signals are the pits, I guess holding on to the presents is the sensible thing to do. As for interpreting him saying "you don't have to" is just about impossible, could mean anything.

What do you think your next move might be?

Croix

[Nashka]

My next move is to not make contact. I actually feel so much better after writing my experience and feelings down. I haven't had a drink today and don't have the urge to. Watching TV distracts me and my doggy is company enough right now. I do really need to work on myself more at the moment. Be comfortable in my own company. I have activities lined up for 2020 so I lots of things to look forward to. Today is a good day. But you never know what tomorrow will bring.