NPD dysfunction over long term

ChrissyStar · ‎24-12-2019

Hi,

I grew up with NPD father & have suffered greatly over my life. My first method to protected myself from the incured emotional & mental damage was by hanging with extremely violent people who no body would dare mess with. I'm an adult now & realise that kind of thing isn't the answer. But it was the best I could do as a teenager who just assumed that NPD was a normal part of life caused by white-picket-fence lifestyle giving men too much power. I swore off ever living that life & upheld the promise. I had an extremely hard life from the damage incured during childhood. I never wanted or thought I'd make it past 30. But I'm now 41yrs old...So I guess you could say, I'm a survivor of NPD but my unborn children are not.

I didn't even know about NPD until a week ago & have never sought help...the label helps - but also makes it hard because of the realisations.

I found the label after seeking help in dealing with my partner...he's also NPD like my father. Even though I survived NPD (lived past 30) = it's still torturing me & inhibiting my input into life.

One of the biggest challenges I deal with is some kind of self worth thing (?) which affects care for myself...I don't think doing things for me is worth it. I have to trick my mind & do it for someone else...but not like a slave (that was my Mum to my NPD Dad)...I've modified it. I'm "saving life on planet Earth" working as a research scientist & teaching permaculture.

But recently I've hit a block & it's not working anymore. Sometimes I can hardly get out of bed. I don't want anti-depressants, anxiety treatment, not even the promise of sorely needed money can give me the motivation.

Another challenge, is some kind of fear reaction (?) where I can't focus on what I'm doing because my BF has me on my toes...demanding & harassing. I am not a teenager anymore, I can't go find a big friend to growl whenever he treats me bad, then go live with a friend. This time, I have to find a way to deal with it or work through it. I can't move out until I save the money. I live rural with 2 horses, 2 cows & a dog...it's no small move.

Please help. And thank you for all who do. You're making a real difference in my life & I'm so very grateful.

romantic_thi3f · ‎24-12-2019

Hi ChrissyStar,

Thanks for your post and sharing what's been happening with you. I feel really sad that you've had to endure so much and yet at the same time I can see how strong you've had to be going through all of this yourself. To be 41 and have never sought help for anything - it's no wonder that you're struggling so much now with everything on your plate.

It sounds like the two biggest things you want to work on is the feeling of self worth and the sense of a constant fear reaction, is that right? Are you safe right now living with your boyfriend?

I'm wondering if you'd be open to talking to a therapist about what's happening for you to support through this. I know I've had to work on very similar issues with fear and self-worth, and therapy has helped me. Taking care of yourself, being nice to yourself is an act of self-care and worthiness. It's not an easy thing to do with trauma, but it makes it all the more important. You are so worthy already. Nobody can take that away from you, even if they get you down.

rt

ChrissyStar · ‎28-12-2019

Hi rt & others reading this,

Thank you for your reply rt.

Yes, I am safe. It has turned violent in the past & I know how to avoid it going there again. I can read the signs.

I'm sorry to hear you have also suffered in the past & hope things are good for you now? I will ask my doctor about therapy as you have suggested. I know that I'll have to pay part of the cost so won't always be able to access (when money is tight). I'll have to find additional support.

I think/feel that the very act of looking for support is very good for me - like taking action (taking a stand) & saying "no more!" NPD has stolen my life up until now (41yrs old)...I'm taking the second half of my life for me!

You know I'm so very tired (exhausted) of this so it's hard to get excited at the prospect of a good life (free from the anxiety/depression caused by a partner with NPD) - but I feel a really strong rising of hope.

I disclosed what's going on to my Mother (with mixed reaction). I'd like to help her too...so I've decided to share my journey with the whole family (Mother, Father & brother) by periodically sending emails about where I'm at. I know that even NPD people are victims themselves. And that it can be passed onto the children (I was one & had a hell of a time sorting it out)!

I'm so glad I found out about NPD - it clarifies so much! I just need to find some solid websites and even books to keep the "helpful, hopeful ball" rolling. And feel a semblance of peace & sanctuary.

Do you know of any websites which focus on NPD?
Do you know any books?
Support groups online?

Thank you All!

romantic_thi3f · ‎02-01-2020

Hi ChrissyStar,

It's great to hear back from you, and I'm also glad to hear that you are safe. I hope that by also knowing the signs, you have ways to take action too (like safety plans) so that you can take care of yourself if this were to happen again. It's absolutely something that you can't tolerate.

Yeah it's a tricky one. I am doing okay now - in a much healthier relationship but still dealing with the aftermath! I wonder if it might be worth searching for bulk-billing psychologists? Although it is a tough one when you use up all of the sessions, although hopefully by then you'll be feeling a little better and have some strategies in place.

It is absolutely a stand! I will happily be your virtual cheerleader as you decide to take control and make some changes!

Hm, resources.. the one that comes to mind is called Disarming the narcissist by Wendy T Bahary and Jeffrey Young. The other one that I like is Healing the child within by Charles Whitfield - the title sounds a bit kooky but it definitely hit home for me. I'm probably yet to find other ones that really jump out at me but I'll have a think. If you happen to stumble across any I'd love to hear them too.

I wish you the best of luck with your GP and therapist,

rt

CKS · ‎02-01-2020

Hi ChrissyStar

My heart bleeds for you.

I am a big believer in the notion of the inner child. Try and get in touch with this concept and write about your inner child. Write about how what a beautiful girl is and how you want to protect her. Try and feel her heart beating within you. Acknowledge her hurts, soothe her pain and caress her soul.As you do this you be automatically healing yourself . Try it and see how you go.

With love

CKS