PTSD, anxiety not sure if this is the right forum

[foreversorry]

40 so years of PTSD ,find it hard to (talk about this.) substance abuse ,Mainly alcohol,I don't drink to get drunk but it happens.Have blackouts and repressed thoughts memories? weed sometimes.Up bringing in a Military family,so just told to deal with it. tried to end it twice and think about it constantly now.Divorced.Bullied at school was always very small,have been raped.Nothing in my life is certain .So much negativity inside ,hate myself.selfish Gutless coward.feel so bad that i took out my issues on little sister growing up. I don't trust anyone,even my now partner, 2 kids that i cant say for sure are mine.I don't feel like I belong anywhere .

[Croix]

Dear Foreversorry~

Welcome it the Forum, I'm glad you posted as you sound most distressed and do not see any way out. It would have taken courage, and probably great desperation, to set things out here, particularly to strangers, and in such blunt terms. That bravery will not be wasted

I've had PTSD, bouts of depression and constant anxiety for many years, and have reached a much better place. I'm an example of how that can all turn around, though if I had been told
that earlier on I would simply have dismissed it as rubbish.

If you are reluctant to talk about some things here that is fine, I've not disclosed everything. The things you have said already about you family's attitude, being bullied and raped are terrible things to try to live with, and without proper knowledgeable help and support sometimes one simply cannot improve and death can seem the only avenue.

The ways you have tried to get out of this situation, by trying to kill yourself, by alcohol and weed are not what you deserve. You deserve much better.

Do you have anyone you can talk with? It often helps quite a lot if someone else understands and cares.

It is a sort of built in to human nature when life deals with a person so badly to blame oneself, to see oneself as a failure, gutless, hateful. You are not alone in this.

In reality it is the people that have treated you so badly that are the ones that need to be blamed. They have injured you deeply.

So may I ask if you are receiving any sort of treatment for your PTSD? If you are then it realy does need to be re-examined as it is not effective. If not then can I suggest a long visit to your GP and say what you have said here.

Distrust comes with the territory, and I'm lucky I can trust my partner, at once stage just about everyone seemed unreliable, powerless or had their own agenda or plain dishonest or hated me, as I did myself.

May I also ask if your partner has done anything in particular to make you distrust her?

I've said enough for one go, I'd very much like it if you could come back and talk some more.

Croix

Nearly forgot. I've found the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) the place to talk with when things get overwhelming. They are sensible and you can talk to them more than once without repeating yourself.

[foreversorry]

thanks for replying.yeah it's been a very troubled journey,that I try to deal with, one way or another. I am trying to stay off the grog,I know it does not help me at all.My partner is my rock ATM, but we had a troubled start. My ex was an a$$hole screwed around on me all the time and blamed me all the time for it(and I believed her), so I forgave her each time.I got drug raped in my early 20's.I didn't find that out till I was in my 40's, I know how strange that sounds too(another story also).I used to smoke alot of pot in my early 30's ,stopped when my son was born. My work is extremely stressful,and mentally exhausting ,my sleep was/is suffering,and I don't have mates or a social life,so the drinking started getting more frequent and heavier,not to the point it used too, but the memories were creeping back in.So I thought I would smoke a little weed instead(420).That helps .Work Xmas function I got drunk and I think Monday when I return I will have lost my job of 15yrs. when I was 12 ish I had a dirtbike accident that caused the death of the pillion,I have never forgiven myself.My parents are old and I don't want remind them of that painful time,my mother has MS and is bed confined in a nursing home ,my father an Old digger with prostate cancer,I don't blame them for not dealing with my issues ,we were very poor,and the support groups just were not around in 1980.when I was very young I have these ,I damn memories of being fiddled with by a neighbor,that is such a crazy story it is almost like a horror film.I don't know what is true or what.I cant work out to say to anyone ,for fear of being laughed at. There is much more to this story

[Croix]

Dear Foreversorry~

You are dong a good job. You are trying to sort thngs out in your mind, it is hard, even long term. While you may never have everything that ever happened crystal clear, even after many years, it may not matter as much as you think. I have come to realize things can be patchy and am content with my life. More than content.

If anybody laughed at you they would be an idiot -nothing you said is strange. The experiences do affect your ability to remember properly- which really means remembering the facts and the emotions together. I could remember some facts but no emotions with some things as I said. Others hit me full force early on, and others were never remembered - or not for a long time. Still waiting for at least one.

I also had distortions, remembering thngs that did not happen that way, or I was frightened they might, or, well - I don't know, but the upshot was my memory is not 100% reliable about everything all the time. So the incident with the neighbor, you do not know either way.

That is OK. As is not knowing about the drug rape at the time. I'm not sure those 420's help with memory, in fact I'm pretty sure it does not.

Having a partner who is there for you now is gold. She does not have to understand what is in your head, she does not have to have a clear picture of all that has happened, she simply has to care and keep on trying - plus give you some perspective - which I have found is essential. I could so easy think the very worst, and be wrong.

So you had a rocky start - after your ex that is not a surprise, the surprise is you are coming to trust her -great! The two kids, how do you feel about them? I know you said you were not certain they were yours, but I did not ask about that, how do you feel about them? Love? Hate? Indifference?

You haven not lost your job yet. A job is important and that may be motivation to apologize and even explain some of the background, not all of course , but even saying you had cut right back on the drink and could not handle it a dryish spell. Maybe hint a troubled past.

If it was me I'd get in first in writing. Then again I do not know the people you work with -your judgment is what counts.

I know I asked before however for me it was essential -do you have any decent medical support? A psychiatric and meds plus therapy perhaps?

One think I found, trying to do caring things for my partner helped us both, me in particular, helped me remember I was not a monster.

Out of space now

Croix