Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

[Peace_Seeker]

Im new here. A bit at my wits end to be honest. There's no one I can talk to that Im not a burden to. I was diagnosed with PTSD after an "event"in 2012. A little after with cPTSD too. People say PTSD is with you for life. I thought I was different. I just went through a time of very mild symptoms and thought I must have cured myself through mindfulness and meditation. I was even off meds for the last two years. Managing with therapy, meditation, mindfulness and exercise. A little mild mania or anxiety but for months I had a reprieve. I guess at the least I'm lucky compared to some. But It turns out I'm not special. PTSD has come back and kicked my arse. I'm struggling to think, communicate, nightmares, crying, panic attacks and dissociating, hyper vigilant, isolating, feel safer alone, and just had to end a new relationship. I've had to take time off work again. All because I watched something on Tv that triggered me. I don't have a support network (no friends or family) beyond my therapist and I live alone with my dog. I work in law enforcement (interestingly none of my trauma is work related, I'm shit magnet outside of work!) so that's not exactly an industry leading the way in terms of support for people with PTSD. My last boss did his best to have me fired because of it. My idea of socialising is to go to the health food shop and chat with the woman that owns it. Or go to yoga. One yoga class this week I cried for 50% of my class. Probably because I saw my therapist the same day. I asked her for some suggestions to aid me in a technique where you imagine your most loved and supportive people all surrounding you and really imagine the love and supportive feelings they give you. Something to draw on in lonely dark times. It's a great resource. IF you have supportive people in your life. I asked her how might I go about this technique given I don't have anyone. She suggested imagining someone entirely new that would give and love and support in all the ways I need. For a second I thought this could work. But broke down at the thought of being so lonely and broken and pathetic that at the age of 37 I have to conjure an "imaginary friend" to feel connected and loved . So for the length of my yoga class I imagined what my new friend would wear. What he would look like, how he would listen to me and what he would say to me in support. And I cried and cried. On the plus side I have this new imaginary friend. On the negative side I now feel COMPLETELY insane.

[Peace_Seeker]

Thanks Mark

i figured it was time for an update. It turns out I'm SUPER sensitive to medication... I've always been suspicious of that but now I know. Turns out the meds were creating a mania. So we dropped the dose and it's perfect. But what I've realised is that for sooooo many years I've been over medicated and in a mania for all of it. Great discovery. But a little bit of sadness still for all those "choices" I made coming from a place of mania that ultimately were quite damaging. But very grateful for this discovery.

ps. I've got a few daily gratitude buddies now 😉👍

[MarkJT]

PS, that is great to hear that you have reached a good dosage. Yes having all of those years as being over medicated has created some unwanted memories of choices made. Similar to me, I have several years where i have massive memory gaps and this is due to the trauma in my head. I find it quite sad that so many memories that i should have are not there and it is dangerous to dwell on this. Try not to make the same mistake i have made and dwell on it, nothing can change history so if you can, do what i did and draw a line in the sand and say, it is what it is. Onwards and upwards!

Mark.