Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

[Peace_Seeker]

Im new here. A bit at my wits end to be honest. There's no one I can talk to that Im not a burden to. I was diagnosed with PTSD after an "event"in 2012. A little after with cPTSD too. People say PTSD is with you for life. I thought I was different. I just went through a time of very mild symptoms and thought I must have cured myself through mindfulness and meditation. I was even off meds for the last two years. Managing with therapy, meditation, mindfulness and exercise. A little mild mania or anxiety but for months I had a reprieve. I guess at the least I'm lucky compared to some. But It turns out I'm not special. PTSD has come back and kicked my arse. I'm struggling to think, communicate, nightmares, crying, panic attacks and dissociating, hyper vigilant, isolating, feel safer alone, and just had to end a new relationship. I've had to take time off work again. All because I watched something on Tv that triggered me. I don't have a support network (no friends or family) beyond my therapist and I live alone with my dog. I work in law enforcement (interestingly none of my trauma is work related, I'm shit magnet outside of work!) so that's not exactly an industry leading the way in terms of support for people with PTSD. My last boss did his best to have me fired because of it. My idea of socialising is to go to the health food shop and chat with the woman that owns it. Or go to yoga. One yoga class this week I cried for 50% of my class. Probably because I saw my therapist the same day. I asked her for some suggestions to aid me in a technique where you imagine your most loved and supportive people all surrounding you and really imagine the love and supportive feelings they give you. Something to draw on in lonely dark times. It's a great resource. IF you have supportive people in your life. I asked her how might I go about this technique given I don't have anyone. She suggested imagining someone entirely new that would give and love and support in all the ways I need. For a second I thought this could work. But broke down at the thought of being so lonely and broken and pathetic that at the age of 37 I have to conjure an "imaginary friend" to feel connected and loved . So for the length of my yoga class I imagined what my new friend would wear. What he would look like, how he would listen to me and what he would say to me in support. And I cried and cried. On the plus side I have this new imaginary friend. On the negative side I now feel COMPLETELY insane.

[MarkJT]

Fi, how good are you going!!!!!

That is so awesome that the meds have well and truly taken hold and have got you going really well.

The world is now your oyster - go out and dominate your life!

Mark.

[Peace_Seeker]

I know! It's awesome! I feel like myself again. And I like myself. It sucks when you lose yourself in anxiety/PTSD. But soooo sweet when you find yourself again 🙏✌️

[TBella]

Hi Peace Seeker

sorry for such a late reply but I haven't been on here for awhile.

I just want you to know that I totally relate to your post & get you. Sounds very similar to my story!

Just wanted you to know that you are not alone 😊

Kind Regards

TBella

[Peace_Seeker]

Thanks TBella!

It feels good to know we are all in this together. Because it's the truth. As we lift ourselves it only benefits us more to bring those around us that are struggling up with us. Leave no one behind 💕☺

[TBella]

Agree! Well said 😊

[MarkJT]

Fi, so now you need to consolidate the gains. Make sure you do not let up on the mindfulness, the yoga, the exercise, the diet and there may be days that are not so good - so be it. Tell yourself that you will be fine in time and it will pass.

You are doing so awesome. Great to hear.

Mark.

[Peace_Seeker]

Hey Mark 👋

How are you?

nope not letting any of that good stuff go. My diet is actually improving because I'm no longer seeking comfort food and my appetite has come back ☺

had a rough day at work yesterday but it was all about the stress of buying a house. Normal life stuff. And I was fine. I held it and today feel great and positive and happy to be at work ☺

Keeping singing has been crucial throughout all this rough patch I think 🤔 It does amazing things for my heart and spirit

[MarkJT]

PS, great to hear.

For me when i have those bad days, I ask myself if i am having a bad day mentally or is a normal life thing that is making it a bad day so you to figure that one out is great.

Your thought patterns are certainly right on point.

Just think of how many people will have read this thread and seen you got from what you were on your first post in the thread to what you are now - so much brilliance and so much hope for so many people.

Brilliant!

Mark.

[Peace_Seeker]

I'm so glad these forums are anonymous 🙈 So I'm just going to say it. Have you ever heard about antidepressants messing with your inhibitions or moral compass? If I think back to a lot of my behaviour when I was on meds last time and compare to my choices and behaviour since I've been off them there is a marked difference. Definitely "bad girl"to "good girl" stuff. When on Med's I've done stuff I'm not proud of. Now I'm back on them I can feel that "bad" side emerging again and to quite honest it feels like I'm not in control. I googled this stuff and only found evidence to support the other way around that increases in serotonin make you more selfless not selfish!!

your thoughts?

[MarkJT]

Fi, any type of mental health condition plays with our decision making abilities. The destructive behaviors that we can display at times take some brain juice (mental energy) to combat and calm down to good decisions and non destructive behavior.

It really is a balancing act with meds. One one side when you are on them, they can change aspects of you but on the other hand if you do not take them, you are not you...clear as mud?

I would be steering clear of Dr Google and speak to your GP/Psych about it.Remember that people rarely put good posts on reviews, they only really review when not happy with the product. GP's and psych's are the experts, use them.

If the course of meds you are on at the moment are leading you down the "bad girl" path, you may need to change them if you cannot control it.

Interesting point though.

Mark.