Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

[Peace_Seeker]

Im new here. A bit at my wits end to be honest. There's no one I can talk to that Im not a burden to. I was diagnosed with PTSD after an "event"in 2012. A little after with cPTSD too. People say PTSD is with you for life. I thought I was different. I just went through a time of very mild symptoms and thought I must have cured myself through mindfulness and meditation. I was even off meds for the last two years. Managing with therapy, meditation, mindfulness and exercise. A little mild mania or anxiety but for months I had a reprieve. I guess at the least I'm lucky compared to some. But It turns out I'm not special. PTSD has come back and kicked my arse. I'm struggling to think, communicate, nightmares, crying, panic attacks and dissociating, hyper vigilant, isolating, feel safer alone, and just had to end a new relationship. I've had to take time off work again. All because I watched something on Tv that triggered me. I don't have a support network (no friends or family) beyond my therapist and I live alone with my dog. I work in law enforcement (interestingly none of my trauma is work related, I'm shit magnet outside of work!) so that's not exactly an industry leading the way in terms of support for people with PTSD. My last boss did his best to have me fired because of it. My idea of socialising is to go to the health food shop and chat with the woman that owns it. Or go to yoga. One yoga class this week I cried for 50% of my class. Probably because I saw my therapist the same day. I asked her for some suggestions to aid me in a technique where you imagine your most loved and supportive people all surrounding you and really imagine the love and supportive feelings they give you. Something to draw on in lonely dark times. It's a great resource. IF you have supportive people in your life. I asked her how might I go about this technique given I don't have anyone. She suggested imagining someone entirely new that would give and love and support in all the ways I need. For a second I thought this could work. But broke down at the thought of being so lonely and broken and pathetic that at the age of 37 I have to conjure an "imaginary friend" to feel connected and loved . So for the length of my yoga class I imagined what my new friend would wear. What he would look like, how he would listen to me and what he would say to me in support. And I cried and cried. On the plus side I have this new imaginary friend. On the negative side I now feel COMPLETELY insane.

[Peace_Seeker]

Hey Mark,

just thought I'd check in and say work went well. The day was kind to me. Mostly paperwork to catch up on and I did what I needed to do.

Still adjusting to the meds. But no panic attacks. Wow. It's pretty amazing really. I really thought I'd be weeks away from relief. Just amazing.

So the panic has stopped And I'm having a down evening I must admit. Why can't I just be grateful? In the last few weeks I've cherished living alone and being alone and being able to hide away with all the panic and PTSD stuff going on. But now... not so much. I've been lacking in friends and no social life for quite some time now so fri nights and weekends can feel pretty darn lonely.

Not sure how to change that. I tried lots of things pursing interests in music and yoga and tried to make friends doing those things but not much luck there. People at work are distant at best and are all married with children. I hear the region that I live in is very cliquey and it's common people feel this way. Doesn't make me feel any better. I've partly resigned to always being alone. And I refuse to hear anyone tell me it's going to be any different. I guess maybe I'm like that because I don't want to have hope only to end up being alone forever and being a lonely old spinster.

[Peace_Seeker]

I guess I'm back to my imaginary friend scenario 😔

[MarkJT]

PS, that is great that the meds are settling in really well. Definitely hope that you continue along that path!

With feeling grateful, this is a process as well. Don't instantly think that you are going to be super grateful for everything around you.

What I would like you to do is every night when you go to bed, think of three things that you were grateful for that day. It does not have to be big things either, say for instance one of mine tonight will be the bowl of fresh fruit and yoghurt i just had. I am very grateful for that as i love it! Repeat this every night and it will become habit.

Over time, you will find that you appreciate things a lot more.

The friendship matter - have you played sport before? I have been involved in sporting clubs my entire life and have many friends from it and they all supported me through my journey.

If you have not played any sport, are you interested in any sports?

Mark.

[Peace_Seeker]

Hey Mark

yes! I love the grateful thing. I do five gratefuls with a friend interstate every Sunday. But I must admit we've been slack in the last month. She OS too. So maybe I just start doing it on my own. I've heard about the research showing an improvement in mood from practicing daily gratefulness. I think you're right and I need to commit to it.

ive never played sports 🙈 I was the kind of kid that hated sport 😂 As an adult I don't mind watching live sports but the concept of participating still fills me with dread. 😂 I think I'll stick with yoga. Thanks for the suggestion though 🙏

[Peace_Seeker]

Ok my three gratefuls for today are

1. Going and looking at a house to buy. I had to make myself go but I'm glad I did because I'm going to make an offer on it.

2. I'm grateful for my dog and his company. He's my best mate.

3. I'm grateful for my yoga teacher staying after class so I could ask a bunch of questions about my practice.

[MarkJT]

PS, that is great that you already do the grateful thing but yes, do it daily with yourself and then every Sunday as well.

You do not have to play sport, it is just excellent social interaction. Sporting clubs are built on volunteers and I have some great mates that do not play but are social members of the club.

Good luck on the house! Super exciting stuff.

Mark

[LBB67]

Hi PS,

this is my first post here so be gentle with me 😳

I found this forum quite by accident and your post was the first I read. It touched me closely as I find my self in almost the same situation as yourself. Hence why I feel compelled to add my 2 cents.

i am an ex LEO of 18 years and now work in Corrections. Although I haven't been diagnosed with PTSD I have the same thoughts and behaviours that you shared in your first post. Mainly the withdrawal from friends and family, sleeplessness and recent split from a long term relationship. I live alone with my dog. Im also interstate from my family and have just one close friend locally I can confide in, although it has been excruciatingly hard for me to open up fully.

just knowing that there is someone else out there with the same issue has spurred me onto making an appointment with my GP and doing something constructive to ease my pain and hopefully find a way to live a happy or at least more fruitful existence.

So for that I say thank you. I'll be sure to keep an eye here to see how your doing. I hope to emulate your progres.

regards

Mark

[MarkJT]

Mark, first off welcome to the forums, it is a really caring place and as you have read, you are most certainly not alone.

I am so pleased that you have made an appointment to see the GP. I am a LEO and are have recovered (as much as you can (IMHO) from PTSD but live with depression and anxiety. You can recover from the symptoms and seeing the GP is the first step is the most crucial part so again, well done.

If you feel up to it, pop into the welcomes and introductions and drop a post there about yourself.

As you can see by PS post which inspired you, your story may well inspire others.

Mark.

[Peace_Seeker]

Hi Mark 🙂

Thank you so much for sharing your post here. And I'm really glad that my sharing has inspired yours. This forum has been great for me in the last couple of weeks. MarkJT is a legend and attentively listened and supported me since my first post. He's a legend ☺

I'm sorry that you've found yourself where you are and so isolated. You'll always find support and understanding here. It certainly helps me feel more sane and normal.

I love that you've been spurred on to see your GP. Such a big step but crucial and from now your healing begins. It's kind of exciting! Because I know there's help and relief and change and growth. While growing can be painful it opens us to our full potential. And right now I'm starting to see more of that coming out of me and it pleases me no end.

These days I try to view my difficult experiences and hard times in my life from the perspective of "oh well that's crap. But here's another opportunity to grow!" It's up to me whether I make you of that opportunity.

Thanks again for your post and it's lovely to meet you 🙏

Fi

[Peace_Seeker]

Hey Mark

How good are meds? Far out I can't believe how quickly they worked. And it's a bit weird how goooood I feel. Yoga feels AMAZING at the moment 😂The Dr thinks I must be super sensitive to drugs and will need to be on a low dose which is good I guess?.

I've been doing the daily gratefuls I'm totally committed to that now 🙂

i also had the best vocal session today! My coach has ask me to perform a song at one of her own gigs in June 😱😱😱😱😱

aaaaaand my offer was accepted on the house 😱😱😱😱😱

big day. 😴