FROM ONE SIDE OF THIN BLUE LINE TO THE OTHER

[Rumples]

Hi there one and all,

I'm a former Police Officer, and as with any former serving member, we've all pretty much seen the inhumanity of humanity at its worst. There's a saying in the job "when the sun goes down and the people go home, the animals come to prey". It's an unfortunate reality of our society today and my heart goes out to all the serving and former members of the thin blue line that keeps most of us safe at night.

Having said that, my time in the job I call my "baptism of fire". I went in bright eyed and bushy tailed as one person, and came out the other side something quite different. Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Alcoholism, Suicide etc are all accepted pars for the course of being a Police Officer. So, I can speak from first hand experience myself having survived the journey. Many of my fellow colleges didn't make it and took their own lives. It's for these fallen fellow officers I find myself here today looking to help others.

It wasn't that long ago I could easily have been a caller reaching out for help. Luckily, I'm through it now, in the light and looking forward to life, and hoping to be able to lead the way out for others.

A bit doom and gloom, but a happy ending!

[Soberlicious96]

Do you feel you were ever at fault, or caused it somehow? At the time, he told me it was all my fault, and yeah my thinking did go along the lines of ‘I caused this by making him angry and doing silly annoying things’ …… but I now KNOW that his temper and his actions are/were NOT my fault. And yes, he told me I was worthless so often that I believed it.

Do you think it was a controlling feature that drove this on his part? Absolutely! He was insistent on having his own way all the time, and if I tried or wanted to something that I liked or preferred, that’s when he said it made him mad because I was ‘being silly’ and ‘annoying him on purpose’.

Was it a matter of "do as I say or else?" either said or inferred? Yeah, probably more inferred than actually said. He was also big on manipulation and making hollow promises. Such as ‘If you do ….. for me, then I will do ….. for you’ but he never followed through from his end. It was always about what he wanted, when he wanted it. No room for negotiation or compromise.

Was he simply looking to control your actions by violence? Yeah, I reckon. He was also extremely jealous. He couldn’t STAND the fact that I even had previous partners, let alone that I didn’t hate them. He seemed to only be comfortable if I fully hated them, rather than accept the fact that it hadn’t worked and I had moved on with him. Jealousy was a HUGE factor. He was very insecure in that area. I mean, he had nothing to worry about; I never kept in contact with the ex that he was most jealous of anyway. I never understood where that jealousy came from because there was no evidence whatsoever to suggest that I was still hung up on my ex in any way. HE talked more about my ex (before him) than I ever did!

What would trigger him? I think just the jealousy, to be honest? And the stuff that his own head would run away with. He was far more insecure than he ever let on. His anger was the ‘mask’ he wore to cover up the fears and insecurities. Plus, I don’t think I mentioned this before, but he was also (apparently) an ex light-weight boxer. So he had learned to use his fists, rather than his brain (and learning to talk things through) a long time before he met me.

Did you understand why he was assaulting you at the time? No I didn’t. It never made sense to me at all, and still doesn’t. Of course he would give reasons or excuses, but …… really? What reason or excuse could possibly be ‘okay’ to hurt someone? There IS NO excuse.

Out of room again! ..

[Soberlicious96]

By the way, I am happy to answer as many questions as you need or want to ask.

As my doctor once said to me: "The only silly question, is the one you don't ask." Of course, I was talking to him about my asthma and my myriad of allergies at the time, but anyway, you get what I'm saying yeah?!

Please don't worry about 'bombarding' me with questions! Like I said, I am more than happy to answer them if it helps in any way. My survival of that horrendous time has to have SOMETHING good come from it.

Anyway, take care. I'll keep an eye out for the next lot! xo

[Rumples]

Thanks Soberlicious96,

Believe it or not, I'm actually starting to get an inclination as to what was driving your particular relationship. And, funnily enough, some of the words/terminologies you use cause flashbacks to other times and victims telling me what happened. I can quite vividly see flashes of dozens of different victims using same/similar wording like "he's insanely jealous of me even looking at a male manikin in a store". or "he kept telling me I'd caused this and that I'd made him do this". Striking similarities among soooo many battered women who've never even met, yet recount similar statements. I'm beginning to get a sort of psychological profile of these men that abuse their partners/wives and it's astonishing how similar wording is used by them to drive home a similar agenda.

Do you remember the first time he physically abused you and what led up to it?

What was his actions, mannerism demeanour after that first time?

Was he angry at you or himself?

Did you talk about it?

Did he allow the discussion to be open or was it one sided, his?

What were your thoughts afterwards?

What noticeable changes were there in the relationship afterwards from both your and his side?

How long before the next episode occurred?

Did your family/friends know what was happening?

If so, why didn't they intervene when they saw you bruised afterwards?

Why didn't any of your male friends/family take it upon themselves to retaliate against him?

You did say I could as many questions as I liked :0)

Thanks again for the life education my friend.

Rumples ox

[Soberlicious96]

Do you remember the first time he physically abused you and what led up to it? The first time was a push or a shove into the wall. I can’t remember what led up to it, but I think we’d been at the football had been and drinking all day. Maybe the team had lost and he was angry about that?

What was his actions, mannerism demeanour after that first time? Actually, I don’t even know if he was aware he’d done it? He could have been in a blackout at the time? He was neither apologetic nor remorseful. Well, not after that first time anyway. At other times he was apologetic and remorseful .... although that too began to fade, and give way to his ego and power-tripping.

Was he angry at you or himself? Later on, when things began to progress, yeah, he was angry at both of us. But if he was angry at himself, he didn't show that as much as he did his anger at me. And he would rarely, if ever admit fault.

Did you talk about it? I can’t remember talking about it, to be honest. I think, from memory he would just change the subject and turn on the witty charm.

Did he allow the discussion to be open or was it one sided, his? No open discussion, very one-sided and NEVER about what happened. Not if he could avoid it. And he went to engage in all sorts of deflective tactics to avoid it. From the witty charm, to doing lots of housework tasks, to sex …. Anything EXCEPT talking about what happened.

What were your thoughts afterwards? I was both relieved, but also a bit wary. And confused too. I kind of wondered if, by being wary, that I may have been overreacting. After all (I justified) it was just a shove or two. He didn’t ACTUALLY hit me at that stage. It wasn’t a closed fist ….. blah blah blah.

What noticeable changes were there in the relationship afterwards from both your and his side? I began to feel as though I was walking on egg shells around him, afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. And he became slowly but surely more aggressive, both physically and in the way he spoke. His opinion of others seemed to be spiralling down and he thought everybody else was stupid.

How long before the next episode occurred? It was probably a month or so? I remember him blaming it on my menstrual cycle and my moods associated with that.

Did your family/friends know what was happening? Eventually they did, yeah. But we were living in Melbourne at the time, and they (my family) were 250 kms away in the country so they didn’t really know the extent of what was happening.

[Soberlicious96]

If so, why didn't they intervene when they saw you bruised afterwards? They did OFTEN suggest I leave him. But I stuck up for him all the time, saying things like "He didn't mean it" and "He's really sorry" even when he clearly wasn't. My Dad did offer to intervene ........ but in a way I won't mention on here. And I certainly did not want my Dad going to prison for something that MY PARTNER was doing to me. Mind you, my Dad has barely ever hurt a fly, and certainly never another person. It just was not the way of my family. I was brought up with very loving, respectful parents.

Why didn't any of your male friends/family take it upon themselves to retaliate against him? To this day I have suspected that someone did 'intervene' in a way, after the last time I had left him and stayed away. When I had moved to my own place, I was in a Unit block and was able to keep my car hidden in a carport, I got a silent phone number, and changed my Bank ..... I did everything I could think of so that he couldn't find me, but I think he kind of did find me. What I mean is that a few weeks after I moved, he rang. He somehow got my silent phone number and decided to give me a call. I tell you what, I fair dinkum FROZE when I realized it was him on the other end of the line. I didn't know what to do. I just sat there in stunned silence for ages, and then just hung up without uttering a word. He did not however have the exact address, but he knew the street. And the reason I know that is because every night for the next three weeks I could hear his mate's Ute driving slowly up and down the street. I just sat there in my unit, cowering and hiding in the bathroom, with all the lights out. Shaking to my core.

Anyway, I called a close relative, whom I knew could help and told them what was going on, and how I thought he had almost found me, and from then on, I never heard the ute again.

To this very day, when I see news headlines about women who have not made it ...... I just shudder. I know it could so easily have been me. I am INCREDIBLY lucky to have made it out alive. I can't tell you the details on here, but I can say (I think) that he had 'plans' and 'equipment' to carry them out.

I did actually see him many years later, and he told me he had a partner and a little girl. I dread to think what their life might be like. I do hope and pray that perhaps he changed his ways? I don't know though. Anyway, I am alive and well, and I thank God for that every single day.