FROM ONE SIDE OF THIN BLUE LINE TO THE OTHER

[Rumples]

Hi there one and all,

I'm a former Police Officer, and as with any former serving member, we've all pretty much seen the inhumanity of humanity at its worst. There's a saying in the job "when the sun goes down and the people go home, the animals come to prey". It's an unfortunate reality of our society today and my heart goes out to all the serving and former members of the thin blue line that keeps most of us safe at night.

Having said that, my time in the job I call my "baptism of fire". I went in bright eyed and bushy tailed as one person, and came out the other side something quite different. Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Alcoholism, Suicide etc are all accepted pars for the course of being a Police Officer. So, I can speak from first hand experience myself having survived the journey. Many of my fellow colleges didn't make it and took their own lives. It's for these fallen fellow officers I find myself here today looking to help others.

It wasn't that long ago I could easily have been a caller reaching out for help. Luckily, I'm through it now, in the light and looking forward to life, and hoping to be able to lead the way out for others.

A bit doom and gloom, but a happy ending!

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Darrell,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done/thankyou for reaching out to us.

I have a nephew who is a Police Officer. Been in the force for a few years now. He's 29 years old (?!?) and has always been such a wonderful young man who just wants to help and protect people.

I recall when I was in my early 20's (am now fast approaching 50) when I had left, in a hell of a hurry, a very violent partner, and was staying at my sister's house. My nephew, who was then only 5 years old, placed his hand on m knee as I sat sobbing uncontrollably on the couch, and said "It's okay Aunty Mel, I'll look after you." Even as I write this the tears well up in my eyes, because I remember thinking at the time "This is not the job of a 5 year old. It's not up to him to protect me, because it's ME that made the decision to got back, a few times, after he had hit me the first time. This is not your job, young man.' No surprise really that he grew up to be an officer. and whose to say he may not also do psychology or something else down the track. He's just that kind of person. Bless him!

I had left that particular partner several times before finally making a complete break. I'd like to say that I immediately turned my life around at that point, but unfortunately it took me another violent relationship, and 18 months later, to realise that part of the problem (although certainly not all of it) was ME. I was the one who kept going back, after the first hit.

However, I am VERY glad to say that I have indeed now turned my life around and now know how to recognise a potentially violent or abuse person ....... and although I have had a few relationships since then, including a 12 year marriage and divorce, I have NOT had any more violent partners.

It helped that I got sober. I have not had a drink now for 23+ years and I too spend my spare time helping others who have had problems with drinking. I just love that reward that my own sobriety has brought; the ability to 'use' my own story in order to help someone else. It's such an amazing thing to see people turn their lives around and grow into loving, caring, reliable people. As it says in, what I call the 'good book' (the Bible) "There is/will be more joy in heaven over one soul who repents, that the 99 others who have less need to."

Bless you and your service. I have always had great respect for those who serve and protect.

And thanks again for sharing. Hope to see more of you on here. xox

[Rumples]

Hi there Soberlicious96 🙂

Thanks so much for reaching out and sharing your story. I'm so sorry to hear that you were a battered woman. God knows I've lost count of the amount of front doors I've kicked in as I listened to the poor woman on the other side screaming and begging as she must have counted the seconds for that door to burst open. Some sounds and sights just stay with you, and alcoholic bliss is your only escape. That's why a LOT of Cops are heavy drinkers, to help cope and fend off insanity.

I spent 18 months in the DVU (Domestic Violence Unit) and I can tell you, it was the longest 18 months of my life. I can't even imagine living through that cycle of rampant violence year in year out for years at a time. My career ended when I lost two wives on one week, both murdered by their spouses. I'd been to their homes so many times, they knew me by first name, as I did theirs, It's a strange relationship we form with victims of domestic violence. One needing help, the other needing to help. Those of us who are merely spectators looking in and horrified at the spectacle we see, are powerless to stop it's endless cycle.

To this day, I've always been troubled by the amount of battered women who return to that environment, knowing what's waiting for them? It's beyond my reckoning to be honest, and I've seen it happen, not once, not twice or even a dozen times, I've seen it happen HUNDREDS of times. It's always been one thing in my career that's eluded me as to why?

On a happier note. Well done to you for breaking free from all that misery, horror and pain and blossoming into the caring human being you appear to be today. We're both survivors you and I. Each victims of DV in our own ways.

I wish you and yours the very best and and may the years be kind to you.

I'm just a post away should you wish to talk again xxx

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Darrell,

When you said "To this day, I've always been troubled by the amount of battered women who return to that environment, knowing what's waiting for them?" I can only tell you why I returned time and again.

And that is because every time I went back, I felt that I wasn't returning to the a**hole that beat me, but the wonderful, attentive, charming, giddy romance of the original guy that I had originally met. It was like I kept falling in love with him all over again. I would believe his apologies and promises of 'never doing it again' and with all the flowers he gave me, and bubble baths he ran for me, and the roast dinner he cooked and the housework he did ...... I mean, the efforts he went to, to make it up to me were nothing short of astounding! And it was always so quick. His turn around, that is. His turning back to the nice guy was so FAST and seemed so incredibly convincing. Surely it HAD to mean he was serious?

It wasn't' until many years later, when talking to a girlfriend and I was reflecting on the final time that I had left, and actually managed to stay away, when she said to me "It's like having to leave two people, rather than just the one. You have to be prepared to leave the nice guy that romances the pants off you, as well as the bad guy that beats the brains out of you." I realised in that moment that that was in fact the reason I had been able to stay away; I'd finally gained the courage to leave the 'good guy' as well.But leaving a 'good' person is absolutely heartbreaking, because you know they can be good. You know it. You never fall in love with the bad side. You know they can be good, just can't make them stay good. No matter how much you love their goodness.

It's crazy, yes, that people keep returning to a violent partner. But love and romance are such a deep-rooted need in us humans that for some, it makes rationality almost impossible. Especially when you add alcohol and drugs into the mix.

Anyway, that's my story. Am more than happy to keep sharing my experience. Especially if it helps others.

Take care. Keep safe. Thanks for sharing. xo

[Rumples]

Thanks once again Soberlicious96,

Reading your story and reasoning makes perfect sense, and I can see where the allure to return would be. I'm fascinated by your terminology "and managed to stay away". It infers that you had the re-occurring longing to return which you had to resist, hence try and "stay away".

I for one would certainly appreciate hearing more of the mechanics behind your acceptance of the "repeated" abuse. It would certainly help me unravel the 1001 questions a cop has in the back of his mind, trying to understand the whole cycle.

The floor is yours my friend. xo

[Soberlicious96]

Hi Rumples,

I don't think it was as much acceptance of the abuse, as it was the denial that it could happen again. It was the whole thing of him becoming charming and witty and attentive all over again.

Have you seen the movie 50 first dates, with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore? It's a romantic comedy (and one of my many favorite romantic comedies!). If not, I'll give you a brief rundown of it: Drew Barrymore plays the part of a girl with a braid injury, due to a car crash and completely lacks the ability to retain any memories once she goes to sleep at night. Everything that happened the say before escapes her mind, and she's stuck in a kind of time warp thing, with no short term memory. Along comes Adam Sandler one day and is immediately attracted to her, and begins to romance her. But the next morning, she can't remember him at all, so he has to start the whole wooing process all over again.

Now, in that story, there's no violence at all, but there is also no memory of meeting him, on Drew's behalf.

And that is almost what it's like with DV. It is so much easier to remember the wooing; the romance offered and the flowers and promises and grand plans ........ that the violence becomes a blur.

The man that I was involved with was very witty; he could make me laugh right out loud at so many things. And of course, it never started out as violent at all. We had lots of really fun, really great times together for the first year, or even more. And when things did start to change, it was just little things. Like for example, he would start by saying that he didn't feel like 'doing the family thing' and then maybe a few months later, those words changed to 'I just think your family doesn't like me' and then even later still, it became "Sorry babe, but I just don't like your family' ...... etc. The changes in his behavior to my family and friends was slow and subtle ..... but progressive nonetheless.

Slowly but surely I hung out with my family and friends less and less, and him more and more. And the more I listened to the faults he listed about everyone else, the more I believed him ..... and the less I believed in myself.

There is so much more I could write but I'm only allowed 2500 characters and I'm gonna run out of space. I'll write more in a post next time, I promise.

Right now, I'm going to attend an online AA meeting! Take care. I'll write again soon with more.

[Soberlicious96]

The other thing that kept me going back to him, was that he repeatedly told me that I would never make it without him. That I needed him to look after me. And when someone tells you the same thing over and over, often enough, you begin to believe it. And feel it.

Before he and I had got together, he had actually pursued me for about six months or so. At first I was not attracted to him at all. I'm quite short already, and he was even shorter than me. It was a physical trait that I just didn't find appealing. But the fact that he so persistently pursued me is that part that I did eventually find attractive. So yeah, his persistence was admirable.

Of course, hindsight is a wonderful thing too. Previous to he and I getting together, he had already had a relationship with my best friend which had been destroyed, and quite probably in part because of him. She was telling me things about how he was treating her, behind closed doors, and I was seeing a whole other side to him when they were out ...... the charming, funny guy. Not the nasty vindictive guy that she talked about. Also, I kind of thought she was a bit deluded ....... she talked about how close they were or had been, and yet by that stage (when they had been together for about 2 years?) they were sleeping in separate rooms. I didn't know who to believe. My friend too had grown up in a violent home and so when he said to me she was overreacting because of her past ....... well, I guess I kind of believed him? I still find it hard to accept/believe that I was that gullible.

Another thing to note though too, which probably should/could have rung alarm bells in my head, was that he had lost his license for drink driving for four years. Not a bad effort for back then (early 90's) considering that breath testing wasn't nearly as common as it is now. That fact alone at least should have told me that he had a general lack of respect ...... but no, I just looked past that to the fact that he liked a drink, just like I did. And we did a LOT of drinking together. And I mean a LOT. but even that started out as just "party party party". No thought or even awareness of what alcohol abuse was or what it could lead to.

I myself did not grow up in a violent or abusive home. My parents are amazing parents. My Mum is no longer here (cancer got her) but Dad still is. They were happy together for 55 years. So there was certainly no 'bad example' that I inadvertently followed.

Just made some innocent, yet bad choices.

[Rumples]

Thanks for the really interesting and honest narrative Soberlicious96. It does answer some of my questions, and for that I thank you.

We, the Police, only ever see the aftermath and if we're lucky, we're there in time to stop the violence. We never have the opportunity to sit down with the victims and gain an understanding of the long term chain of events and timelines that brought them to this point in time in their life.

I can recall one occasion that really shocked me, and I was a well seasoned cop at that stage and nothing shocked me. I recall speaking to a wife who's husband had abused her. As he was yelling and screaming and carrying in the back of the truck, I was taking her statement inside the house. After taking her statement I asked her why she'd returned to the house after the last incident of domestic violence where we attended. I'll never forget her reply as long as I live - "because I love him". I remember those words shocking me to my core, as though I'd been shocked by electricity. You say the word Love right now as you read this, and take note how you need your top lip to pronounce it. She had no functioning top lip, yet she used what she had to say the word about the man who'd done to her. This insanity made no sense to me whatsoever. Before she uttered those words, the scene made perfect sense to me, I'd seen hundreds just like it before.

You can see how confusing it can be from a Cops perspective as we only see the outer, physical damage. Always unaware of the unseen damage and unable to understand the reasoning behind not just the DV perpetrators actions, but also their victims.

[Soberlicious96]

And yeah, "This insanity" is the only way to describe it.

I don't know if you know about the 12 steps of AA, but step 2 talks about being restored to sanity. And in the rooms, members describe insanity, as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Insanity was a very prevalent trait in my life, with more than just the drink. I kept promising myself over and over I wouldn't 'do that' or 'go there' or 'say that' again ....... but invariably I would get drunk and do it all over again.

Perhaps with DV, it's the same problem on both sides? The woman/person being beaten thinks it won't happen again because if they just try hard enough to 'not do this', or to 'do that' again, but still with the same partner, then it won't happen again. But nonetheless, they keep going back to the same partner ....... doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

And maybe too, the man/person doing the beating thinks 'If I can just gain enough control over them, then it won't happen again' or 'I wouldn't get so angry if they would just not do/do that again' ..... but they keep trying to control the same partner in the same way, with no thought as to the actual cause of, and or alternate solution to their own mismanagement of frustration and anger ...... and whatever 'it' is or is not, happens or doesn't happen again, and so begins the cycle again.

The focus is not so much on themselves, as it is on the partner and what they are doing or not doing, according to their expectations, realistic or not.

And yeah, it is astounding and devastating to hear someone say "I love him/her" when they are sitting in front of you battered and bleeding. That's not love. That's insanity.

The thing that I tend to remind myself these days (having recently called 000 on my neighbours that were actively violent to each other as well as the kids) is that these people are mentally unwell. They are ILL people, not fundamentally BAD people. After all, there's a little bit of bad in the best of us, and little bit of good in the worst of us. It just varies in the degree and the detail.

I too was a very angry person for a long time, and had to learn about my temper and how to control it. Occasionally, I gave back to him what I got. Nowadays, I know I am completely responsible for myself, and can blame no-one else. But that is a very hard one to learn. Sometimes walking away is all you got left to do. Nothing wrong with that. It's called self preservation.

[Rumples]

Thanks Soberlicious96, the more you comment, the more I understand. Perhaps understand is the wrong word as I don't really think I'll ever fully understand the mechanics behind DV. However, talking with you, it's given me my first clear insights into the thinking of aggressor and victim behind the door, and for that I most sincerely thank you.

Do you feel you were ever at fault, or caused it somehow? I've heard "I brought this on myself, I deserve it, I knew better, it wasn't his fault" from so many victims. After a while, as a Cop, you start doubting your own judgement calls as so many women are saying similar things and none of them know each other. I could be wrong, but it seems to be a common perception amongst battered women, that they are worthless without their partners?

Do you think it was a controlling feature that drove this on his part? Was it a matter of "do as I say or else?" either said or inferred? Was he simply looking to control your actions by violence? What would trigger him? Did you understand why he was assaulting you at the time?

Sorry for the bombardment of questions 🙂 xo