Feel like walking away

[NoHar]

Hi. I am new to the forum. I have been married for 20 years and 2 kids. I suspect t my husband is an alcoholic but not sure. Also believe he has anxiety and he has mostly agreed with having anxiety. All undiagnosed.

For the past 2/3 months, he has consistently had more than 2 drinks daily with the previous 2 weekends averaging about 9 or 10 per day. He will place empty beer cans in different boxes around the house. In the past he has (without asking), drunk my wines, vodka and any other alcohol I have bought. One wine was a special 40th birthday present he decided to drink one afternoon before i got home from work. I came home to 3 qtrs of the bottle gone. Only replaced it with a chest red that i could only use for cooking.

He hides bottles of wine in the shed and in a locked cupboard in the garage. At the moment, he has placed a bottle in the corner of the house behind an occasional chair. This is not new and this hiding has been ongoing for many years. He drinks mainly by himself and if we are home he will drink in the shed or garage out of site. He is extremely defensive about his consumption.

I don't know if this is a physical dependence or a psychological one and I don't know how to keep living with this. His behaviour even after only 1 or 2 get really nastily sarcastic and abusive - as an example... calling all the indigenous students at the indigenous unit at my uni (including me) a bunch of zombies. ( I have gone back to uni getting a dual degree).

Opinions would be most welcome.

I am exhausted from coping with this.

[NoHar]

Thanks Theborgerline. From talking to the psychiatrist though the number of drinks is not the defining factor, rather their relationship with it. There are many alcoholics who drink much less and many non alcoholics who drink much more. The psychiatrist stated it is not a black & white issue of counting drinks and labeling- it's just not that easy - but far more complex.

There are many factors that need to be considered. I can provide lots of collateral information to the psychiatrist but it means very little without information from the person who is performing the behaviour. As only they can give insight into the nature of their thoughts. Unfortunately, I have to disregard the unwantes behaviour of my husband and concentrate on mine as there is more to it than just the alcohol itself. Mood swings, "personality changes" (the psychiatrist stated this was not quite accurate to describe the change in behaviour when drinking), focus and observed importance placed on the alcohol by the person drinking, abusive behavior towards me and the kids, anxiety, current life circumstances etc...

He has driven with pir some while knowing he is more than likely to be over the limit and constantly asks to have things picked up or done for him as he is over the legal limit for driving. This includes taking kids to outside school activities. He is defensive to the point of nasty abusive when questioned on the number of drinks he has had so I don't ask any more. When he goes out won't say when he'll be back and won't arrive home until lunchtime the next day (usually hungover). I will be reprimanded if he feels I am taking too long to get home if he has been invited out (to drink). He cannot understand that 2 cans of heavy beer (1.4 standard drinks) in the first hour will put him over the limit - to him this is just 2 drinks and not worth noting that they may represent more than the standard drink...

[NoHar]

Thanks Geoff. I have spoken to a professional (as you can read on my reply to Theborderline). We have access to them at uni which is helpful.

I don't know any details about any prospective move at this stage. It is an extremely hard choice and one that will affect the kids (again... as this will be the second time so i want to be prepared and sure).

I even contemplated the idea that my graduating this year with 2 university degrees may be daunting for him. I won't apologize for making the choice to study. It has been for the most part an amazing time.

I realize I cannot blame myself for the decisions he chooses to make. I also know that as humans, guilt can be difficult to navigate in these circumstances. I need to make sure I prepare for that journey i guess.

Talking about this here has been a big help. I hope that discussions can continue. I will be busy over the next 2 months with assignments and exams, but have made a note to myself to check in twice a week... more if I need to vent or discuss an emergent situation.

With thanks

NoHar.

[geoff]

Hi NoHar, and my apologies in replying to you rather late.

You have made some excellent points in your reply to Theborderline, and I could highlight them all but it would take up too much room so I've ticked it as Mark this post as helpful'.

No you can not blame yourself for the decisions he chooses to make, each and each to their own which means 'he has made choices based on personal opinion'.

I know all of this must be difficult, but I'm so pleased you have been able to talk with us, and I offer my sincere thoughts for you.

I realise this hasn't ended just yet, so please get back to us whenever you can.

Best wishes.

Geoff.