PTSD, anxiety and depression - Struggling. New to BeyondBlue.

[Orange_Stone]

Hi all
Newbie here

I was raped 6 years ago. I only started seeking help about it last year, before that I completely denied it had ever happened & lived completely in denial about it, never speaking about it at all. No one was there & I didn’t know the perpetrator.
As nightmares, anxiety & depression started to rise it became clear I couldn’t hide from it any longer & my life started to unravel. I couldn’t work for almost a year, could barely leave the house, couldn’t even make phone calls to make appointments for myself with my regular GP who was helping me through this challenging time.
Since that unravelling its been an absolute rollercoaster full of massive highs and massive lows. Massive highs of finding the strength to begin and continue therapy, tell my family what had happened to me and make other big steps to finding my version of stability and recovery, as well as massive lows such as incredibly bad days, diagnosis of PTSD, and other major obstacles.
Despite being on medication, semi-regularly continuing with my psychologist, having a super strong network of family and friends that know now of my rape & can support me I still struggle so much. I know that I am so lucky to have a great network of supportive people around me, but I’ve hit a wall & I just feel exhausted, nauseous and as if my body has been hit by a train. Every day my whole body aches, my head hurts, I have stomach problems and struggle to make it through a day without needing a nap or mass amounts of caffeine to cope. And I don’t understand why L . To add to this I’m just feeling more & more that no one really understands what I feel & how hard every single day actually is. I am grateful for every single person in my support network but they don’t understand. They don’t understand feeling so sick & exhausted basically every day for no reason. They don’t understand how hard it is to just have nightmares most nights.. Of my attack and just of distressing, disturbing things. They don’t understand my brain & the hardest part is I don’t understand it either but I am trying to.
I guess I just wanted to reach out to stop feeling like no body understands me

[Jackson85]

Hi Orange Stone,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I think it's super brave of you to have come out to share your history with your support network, and I'm really glad to hear that you're doing better as a result. Unfortunately traumas like this, as well as other ones regarding violence and war, really can change us, and it can be hard for others to understand how this change works. The way I've always thought about it is, it's not that the trauma changed who you were, or the world you live in, but it showed you a part of the world to which most of us can remain contently unaware. I know nothing of violence, either as the aggressor or victim, and I certainly know nothing of sexual assault, and so even though I know these things exist, and feel such sympathy for the victims of them, it's hard to remind my brain that the world is more horrible than it seems on a daily basis. I hope that read how I meant it, I just mean to say that you know more of the world, and that our not getting it is because we've been shielded from that truth.

While I've not been a victim of such a horrible act as rape, I do know a bit what it's like to have people not understand why I'm not recovering from something. When I was 15, my father died from cancer, with just a week's notice. In the first few weeks, everyone is super sympathetic and friendly, but then they all just move on, and you sit there in pain, feeling more isolated by the day. At some point I just felt like a statistic, like in my school I was the kid whose dad died, and while I got that my problems aren't their problems, it just made me feel alone, and that really I'd had an exposure to the truth (mortality) that others were yet to experience.

I hope you're doing ok, and if you'd like to chat more I'll keep an eye on this thread,

Hang in there,

Jackson85

[Orange_Stone]

Hi Jackson85

Thanks for your response. Thanks for your point of view, i think it's always good to look at different perspectives and i appreciate your input.

I'm sorry about your father. Cancer is awful, my cousin passed away from cancer last week & I think it's possible that that's adding to my depression & disturbing nightmares increasing

I wish that there was an easy way to understand. But i suppose there's a difference between empathy & sympathy for a reason, cos I'd never wish PTSD on my worst enemy, nor would i wish them experience an assault so awful.

[Jackson85]

Thanks for your kind words. I'm sorry to hear about your cousin, I totally understand that that would trigger certain reactions inside you. If you've been seeing a psychologist semi-regularly, and you aren't feeling like you're making progress, maybe a different kind of therapy could help. There is something called mindfulness therapy, which focuses much more on being in the moment, and not reliving the past or anxiously predicting the future I'm not sure if that sounds like something you'd be interested in?

I think we are all different, and while distinct experiences make us feel more alone, we are all fundamentally alone, as the way we perceive the world is so heavily filtered by our unconscious.

Let me know if you want to chat more 🙂

Jackson85

[Paw Prints]

Hello Orange Stone,

It's hard for others to really understand how being raped affects us. I hid the fact I was raped from everyone for 12 years.The rape was the final straw after having a number of traumatic events in my life it pushed me down a very dark path and my life unravelled to the point I was a danger to myself. In one way we are all human, yet we are also all unique individuals and rape and how it affects us/how we deal with it will have similarities and be different for each of us.

You have already taken the hardest step, you have told someone. You wrote "before that I completely denied it had ever happened & lived completely in denial about it," , by talking about it you are making it real and now your mind and body are trying to make sense of what was done to you. It's bloody hard work, the flashbacks & nightmares are not just physically exhausting but mentally & emotionally draining.

What I mostly wanted to say is it can & will get better. I am still working through my fears and anxiety, but most nights I no longer have nightmares & flashbacks have lessened as well. I still have a way to go, but I can see how far I have come.

I hope this helps you feel not so alone on your journey. I am here if you want to chat more.

Paw Prints

[IreneM]

Hello Orange Stone

It's nice to have someone else who also knows what I have been through. I was raped up to three times, but for me it wasn't necessarily the rape itself that became the problem it was the fact that my family did not believe me, even my husband does not.

Like you, the nightmares were my main problem, and the medication certainly helped with that. I hid myself from everyone that I knew for at least 18 months after how awful people were reacting to my story. Now I don't share it with anyone except on these forums - at least I get understood, and you will too. Unlike me you are very fortunate to have a superstrong network of friends to support you - so you have a lot to be thankful for.

I also get similar physical symptoms to you with digestive issues and the like. I find that having a journal helps to write down your thoughts at the end of the day and maybe with the help of a psychologist, changing them into positive thoughts. Being able to think positive is half the battle.

What happened to Jason also happened to me when my mother died from brain cancer - my siblings all abandoned me and I got left isolated even more. So I don't have a family much except on this forum.

Hope that you will join us here Orange, we all need each other. In the meantime go to the "Personal Best" tab above and in the drop down menu under that "Support Yourself". There's a whole host of options there. Worth a look.

Irene.

[Alva]

Hi Orange Stone,

I am a newbie to and your post is actually the first one that I read through, stopped in my tracks and felt a strange wave empathy and sadly validation. I am so sorry this has happened to you, your life deserves so much more peace than having crossed paths with someone that could hurt you like this. But I am thankful you wrote this. My experiences are not the same but with men I thought I could trust, once when I was 17, 19 and 21. I did the same thing, I denied to myself what it was, I don't think I could even understand it at all at the time. I used to count sexual experiences when I was young as though it meant something to be past a certain number and there names were always included alongside normal sexual experiences and partners. The shame and guilt always fell on me. after years of trying to come to terms with being violated by men that honestly still were in some part accessible, from my home town and even an ambassador for my university. I did eventually tell my loved ones but I have never told their names, I am actually still afraid of how badly people would not want to believe me.

Everything you have said about it resurfacing worse and worse I feel to, however I would love to know how treatment especially how you feel about your psychology sessions? or whether you feel they are useful to you? I have been considering it for years but of course the fear of being unravelled, or that all my hard work to maintain will be pulled apart is ever present. It is so wonderful you have such a large network of people to even just be physically around, are you sure no one in your supports has had any experiences relatable to you to make it easier on you and who ever they could be? I found talking to girlfriends who have also had an experience like mine, just helps to feel if nothing else, validated. That feeling depressed and anxious, having flashbacks even when with a supportive partner, feeling disgusted by men even if I have no cause to be, scared and hyper vigilant, lethargic and just generally stuck. That all of those feelings and thoughts, actually make sense. There is no universal time line to recover. You are doing the best that you can, and the fact that you reached out at all means you are already improving yourself. I am so sorry! I just realised I have probably written a letter here!!

I wish you every bit of love and self kindness.

[quokka]

Hi Orange Stone,

I am also new here and this is my first reply so I hope I am doing it right!

I relate to everything you say. I was raped almost two years ago and was in denial for the first year after. I also find it hard that I have great friends who want to help and listen (which I am very thankful for), but they just do not understand how hard every day is as a rape survivor as they have not experienced it; all the flashbacks, nightmares and depression & anxiety that PTSD brings, and how terrible it makes me feel about myself. I am also very worried that I might lose my friends if I am constantly talking about how bad I feel and how hard things are, so I often just pretend that things are fine.. I guess that is why I thought it would be a good idea to join this forum, so we can talk openly with each other to those who understand our experience?

I want to say that I am very proud of you, it takes a lot of strength to ask for help. I can understand some of what you are going through. Your experience is valid after having such a terrible and traumatic thing happen and it is ok to be feeling this way.