Trauma Bonding

rose_uwu · ‎20-03-2019

ok i don't know where to start, ive never done anything like this before but honestly im desperate.

the last few years have been absolute hell.

i was sexually abused by a close male friend of mine. honestly? ive suffered techically ""worse"" abuse. but nothing has cut as deep into my soul as the look in his eyes when he looked into my soul, saw only fear. the twisted, sick, smile on his face. he feels nothing but pleasure and anger. hes not a human.

long story short ,after the initial assault i grew desperately attached to him. within a few months i couldnt live without him. hes like an addiction. i need him to make me feel okay. ive tried to cut him off so many times, and it's just left me feeling increasingly suicidal untill i reach back out for him for my own safety.

the sexual abuse continued. as i said, it wasnt the worse sexual abuse ive encountered, he didnt rape me. ive had alot worse (when i was 14 someone else attempted to rape me) but nothing has stuck with me.

the emotional abuse started. he somehow drove into my soul with a dagger and cut the cords connecting me to myself. i stopped going to school. i didnt really talk to anyone except him. i didnt leave the house for weeks at a time. i wasnt eating, i was up till 5am talking to him because for a period of time he refused to talk to me at any other time, probably as an abusive tactic so i obliged, doing anything to not lose him. i didnt see him for months as he refused to leave the house, i nearly killed myself over this. i couldn't deal with the pain, i started self harming.

i thought if i saw him again this torment would stop, it didnt. it got worse. it all got worse. i moved schools because even though he didnt attend anymore just being around where this stuff happened was too hard. he continued to cut into my soul.

and he still is. because i cannot get rid of him. hes stuck inside my soul. i cant explain the horrible feeling hes left inside me that makes me need him, rely on him. after all the trauma hes caused me, why would i want to be anywhere near him?

my therapist has suggested trauma. bonding. i think shes right, but i dont have any idea how to help it. how to get rid of him.

this is probably a far fetched attempt but, any help would be appreciated. i neeed to get rid of him. even any similar experiences? thankyou 🙂

romantic_thi3f · ‎21-03-2019

Hi Rose uwu,

Thanks for your post.

I am sorry that you're struggling with this and for the abuse that you've had to go through. I am glad though that you're in touch with a therapist, and it sounds like she's on the right track to helping you.

How much do you know about trauma bonding? I imagine that your therapist will have probably told you a fair bit, and hopefully what the next steps are?

I think a big part of trauma bonding and moving on from it is being able to manage all of those emotions that come with it. It's okay that you feel this way. It's okay that you feel that he's twisted and sick and horrible and at the same time want to be with him. It's okay that even though he hurt you and did terrible things you felt attached to him.

I think that once you're able to know that having all these mixed feelings are okay (and expected!), it's easier to be able to figure out a new future without him being such a big part of it.

rose_uwu · ‎21-03-2019

yeah she has told me that i need to sort my feelings out in order to move on which i am finding difficult as i just dont know how i feel. im trying though

thankyou for your post, i really appreciate it 🙂

IreneM · ‎21-03-2019

Hi Rose

Along with Romantic I am really thankful that you are in touch with a therapist. Your therapists' suggestion sounds reasonable for your situation and is worth a try, just don't expect instant results. If you are having trouble controlling your emotions between therapy I may suggest psychiatric therapy as well - I needed both at first.

Sorry for all of the abuse that you have received, which I can relate to a lot. I think a big part of managing your emotion of trauma and self-hate will be to talk them through with your therapist. Meanwhile check out - Treatment Options either above or below under "Get Support". Also check out Looking after Yourself under "Personal Best" above or "Supporting Someone" below.

I think that you are coming a long way with acknowledging your issues and it may take time to come to terms with them, which is where your therapist will help.

Take Care

Irene.