PTSD and Trauma

feeling too broken to love and be loved

replies: 5

Hello everyone, I feel like my baggage is too heavy to carry into a relationship, but i am lonely and I don't want to feel lonely forever. I have a history of sexual trauma and domestic violence. I have anxiety PTSD and episodes of depression. I had ... View more

Hello everyone, I feel like my baggage is too heavy to carry into a relationship, but i am lonely and I don't want to feel lonely forever. I have a history of sexual trauma and domestic violence. I have anxiety PTSD and episodes of depression. I had avoided anything that remotely like a relationship for nearly 6 years until the start of last year, I was as open as I could be about my history and trauma, but i don't think i went about any of this in the "right" way. I feel at times I dumped it on him. I also feel at times that rather than expressing my needs I focused of trying to "prove" to him and reassure him that I was okay when I wasn't. Because I didn't want him to feel he was walking on glass. But my trauma would come out in other ways. And I learnt alot of things about myself that i really don't like. I am not always kind. I had feelings for this man that were greater than any feelings I had ever ever had. And I think that it somehow brought out the worst in me. I don't think he ever ever got to see my best side. I knew I was messed up. But I don't think I knew just how "broken" I was untill I really really liked someone. Obviously it didn't work out. And it has left me feeling guilty for having inflicted myself and my garbage onto him. I would like one day to have a healthy caring relationship one day. But I don't think I can be my best self. I feel like I'm too hard. All the other single people I know of my age group internet date. It seems now days to be the culture that if something gets hard, you go online and find someone else.... I just don't see anything in me that will ever be able to outweigh the challanges. and i am so mad at myself because I have been so independant for so long..... and I was determin to just be content with being single. It took me so much to open up to the possibility of things being any different and now I just feel silly that I ever did. And lonely. I just feel so lonely

Lost, confused and indecisive.

replies: 1

I am a 27 year old female and have been dealing with depression and anxiety since I was 16. I have been on anti-depressants for the last four years and have been with my partner who is 37 for about a year and a half. I recently found out I am pregnan... View more

I am a 27 year old female and have been dealing with depression and anxiety since I was 16. I have been on anti-depressants for the last four years and have been with my partner who is 37 for about a year and a half. I recently found out I am pregnant so my doctor has had me weaning off the anti-depressants. My partner and I have had some big fights in the past which has sometimes gotten physical. We recently had an argument and it ended up getting physical after he locked doors to certain rooms in the house and took my house keys so I couldn’t get back in if I left. He also took all my clothes and belongings and shoved them in one big pile on the floor of one of the spare rooms. All I’ve ever wanted was to be loved by someone and have that family kind of unit and it really broke me this time when this happened I think especially because I’m pregnant this time. I am in no way perfect and I make a lot of mistakes and I know that I can be hard to deal with due to my anxiety and need for things to be a certain way. I ended up forgiving him and went back home but now I keep thinking if this is really the life I want. He has kids already who I absolutely love and adore but it has also been a struggle for me to come to terms with this lifestyle. I have just found a money tin (which I contribute mostly to but he puts a few coins in every now and then) at the top of his wardrobe when it used to sit in the spare room. I asked him about it and got upset because I feel like it’s controlling me and taking my things away but he just sees it as me getting re-angry. I do love him and most of the time he is a great guy - looks after me when I’m sick, cooks for me etc. but I am really struggling at the moment. I really don’t want to be single again and pregnant but the thought of this being my life if things don’t change really makes me feel sick.

Unsure if I am dating a sufferer of Borderline Personality Disorder - Any advice appreciated!

replies: 3

Hi All, I have been in a relationship with someone for about a year now (He is 24 and I am 25). When we first met he was incredibly charming, loving, generous, caring and intense. I was completely infatuated with him and we rushed into things quite q... View more

Hi All, I have been in a relationship with someone for about a year now (He is 24 and I am 25). When we first met he was incredibly charming, loving, generous, caring and intense. I was completely infatuated with him and we rushed into things quite quickly. In the beginning everything seemed wonderful. We wanted to spend as much time as we could together (Despite this probably not being all entirely healthy in itself). However, in due time he opened up to me about his depression and past childhood traumas from family members. He has had a hard childhood. At the start I believed he simply had depression and I encouraged him to seek help and tried to be a support and provide resources for him. He was consistently swinging between agreeing he should get help and wanting to feel better, to telling me nothing would help and he would not try. As the months went on, I began to see more and more different sides to him. Uncontrollable mood swings in the same day (very high, very low, very angry, excited, bored - you name it), uncontrollable anger over small things, suicide threats, compulsive lying (where he was caught out on a number of occasions), impulsive behaviours, cheating, emotional blackmail when I would try to leave - it goes on and on. I have also quite literally talked him out of suicide on a number of occasions via text and phone for hours on end. He eventually would reach a point where he would tell me he would calm down and consider his options. He consistently reports feelings of 'numbness', not 'knowing who he is', and feeling 'completely empty'. Fast forward to where we are currently. I recently discovered he had cheated on me and initially he made many stories up to deny the reality of the situation before finally admitting the truth, saying he did it mindlessly and in an 'attempt to feel something'. I am hurting so much in this relationship. I have been put through a lot of emotional manipulation, guilt, idealisation and then devaluation in the same day, betrayal - it goes on. I really feel lost. Having done my own research on these symptoms I began to wonder if he suffers from BPD. It is something I raised with him once, asking if he would consider going to therapy or to seek help - which he completely refused. I am unsure what to do and any advice or guidance would be so greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Barking Dogs

replies: 5

Two years ago we were in a nightmare situation living next to 5 dogs that barked at each other practically all day while their owners were at work full-time. The dogs were left in the back yards of two properties that adjoined each other. I am a stay... View more

Two years ago we were in a nightmare situation living next to 5 dogs that barked at each other practically all day while their owners were at work full-time. The dogs were left in the back yards of two properties that adjoined each other. I am a stay at home mum with young kids so was at home a lot. Eventually, after a very long and stressful process (around 9 months) of reporting to council, the situation was more or less resolved. However now, over a year later, I still seem to be unable to cope with the sound of dogs barking at all. It's like every single bark causes some kind of stress response in my body. I should say this is only if the barking is loud, like from a house near to mine, or if the dog is near me in a coffee shop etc. If it is far away barking it is more of a mild irritant that i might not even notice straight away, so not a huge deal unless it goes on and on. Does anyone else deal with this? I find it really difficult to deal with because dogs are everywhere !! Just wanting to hear other people's stories/tips on coping etc.

Trauma Bonding

replies: 3

ok i don't know where to start, ive never done anything like this before but honestly im desperate. the last few years have been absolute hell. i was sexually abused by a close male friend of mine. honestly? ive suffered techically ""worse"" abuse. b... View more

ok i don't know where to start, ive never done anything like this before but honestly im desperate. the last few years have been absolute hell. i was sexually abused by a close male friend of mine. honestly? ive suffered techically ""worse"" abuse. but nothing has cut as deep into my soul as the look in his eyes when he looked into my soul, saw only fear. the twisted, sick, smile on his face. he feels nothing but pleasure and anger. hes not a human. long story short ,after the initial assault i grew desperately attached to him. within a few months i couldnt live without him. hes like an addiction. i need him to make me feel okay. ive tried to cut him off so many times, and it's just left me feeling increasingly suicidal untill i reach back out for him for my own safety. the sexual abuse continued. as i said, it wasnt the worse sexual abuse ive encountered, he didnt rape me. ive had alot worse (when i was 14 someone else attempted to rape me) but nothing has stuck with me. the emotional abuse started. he somehow drove into my soul with a dagger and cut the cords connecting me to myself. i stopped going to school. i didnt really talk to anyone except him. i didnt leave the house for weeks at a time. i wasnt eating, i was up till 5am talking to him because for a period of time he refused to talk to me at any other time, probably as an abusive tactic so i obliged, doing anything to not lose him. i didnt see him for months as he refused to leave the house, i nearly killed myself over this. i couldn't deal with the pain, i started self harming. i thought if i saw him again this torment would stop, it didnt. it got worse. it all got worse. i moved schools because even though he didnt attend anymore just being around where this stuff happened was too hard. he continued to cut into my soul. and he still is. because i cannot get rid of him. hes stuck inside my soul. i cant explain the horrible feeling hes left inside me that makes me need him, rely on him. after all the trauma hes caused me, why would i want to be anywhere near him? my therapist has suggested trauma. bonding. i think shes right, but i dont have any idea how to help it. how to get rid of him. this is probably a far fetched attempt but, any help would be appreciated. i neeed to get rid of him. even any similar experiences? thankyou

PTSD, anxiety and depression - Struggling. New to BeyondBlue.

replies: 7

Hi all Newbie here I was raped 6 years ago. I only started seeking help about it last year, before that I completely denied it had ever happened & lived completely in denial about it, never speaking about it at all. No one was there & I didn’t know t... View more

Hi all Newbie here I was raped 6 years ago. I only started seeking help about it last year, before that I completely denied it had ever happened & lived completely in denial about it, never speaking about it at all. No one was there & I didn’t know the perpetrator. As nightmares, anxiety & depression started to rise it became clear I couldn’t hide from it any longer & my life started to unravel. I couldn’t work for almost a year, could barely leave the house, couldn’t even make phone calls to make appointments for myself with my regular GP who was helping me through this challenging time. Since that unravelling its been an absolute rollercoaster full of massive highs and massive lows. Massive highs of finding the strength to begin and continue therapy, tell my family what had happened to me and make other big steps to finding my version of stability and recovery, as well as massive lows such as incredibly bad days, diagnosis of PTSD, and other major obstacles. Despite being on medication, semi-regularly continuing with my psychologist, having a super strong network of family and friends that know now of my rape & can support me I still struggle so much. I know that I am so lucky to have a great network of supportive people around me, but I’ve hit a wall & I just feel exhausted, nauseous and as if my body has been hit by a train. Every day my whole body aches, my head hurts, I have stomach problems and struggle to make it through a day without needing a nap or mass amounts of caffeine to cope. And I don’t understand why L . To add to this I’m just feeling more & more that no one really understands what I feel & how hard every single day actually is. I am grateful for every single person in my support network but they don’t understand. They don’t understand feeling so sick & exhausted basically every day for no reason. They don’t understand how hard it is to just have nightmares most nights.. Of my attack and just of distressing, disturbing things. They don’t understand my brain & the hardest part is I don’t understand it either but I am trying to. I guess I just wanted to reach out to stop feeling like no body understands me

Feel like walking away

replies: 12

Hi. I am new to the forum. I have been married for 20 years and 2 kids. I suspect t my husband is an alcoholic but not sure. Also believe he has anxiety and he has mostly agreed with having anxiety. All undiagnosed. For the past 2/3 months, he has co... View more

Hi. I am new to the forum. I have been married for 20 years and 2 kids. I suspect t my husband is an alcoholic but not sure. Also believe he has anxiety and he has mostly agreed with having anxiety. All undiagnosed. For the past 2/3 months, he has consistently had more than 2 drinks daily with the previous 2 weekends averaging about 9 or 10 per day. He will place empty beer cans in different boxes around the house. In the past he has (without asking), drunk my wines, vodka and any other alcohol I have bought. One wine was a special 40th birthday present he decided to drink one afternoon before i got home from work. I came home to 3 qtrs of the bottle gone. Only replaced it with a chest red that i could only use for cooking. He hides bottles of wine in the shed and in a locked cupboard in the garage. At the moment, he has placed a bottle in the corner of the house behind an occasional chair. This is not new and this hiding has been ongoing for many years. He drinks mainly by himself and if we are home he will drink in the shed or garage out of site. He is extremely defensive about his consumption. I don't know if this is a physical dependence or a psychological one and I don't know how to keep living with this. His behaviour even after only 1 or 2 get really nastily sarcastic and abusive - as an example... calling all the indigenous students at the indigenous unit at my uni (including me) a bunch of zombies. ( I have gone back to uni getting a dual degree). Opinions would be most welcome. I am exhausted from coping with this.

New Mum PTSD & Severe Anxiety

replies: 1

Hello .. I'm new to all of this as I have never struggled with mental health before .. Last September/October changed me completely. I was diagnosed with preeclampsia at 29 weeks pregnant, before I was pregnant I had only ever had the occasional shot... View more

Hello .. I'm new to all of this as I have never struggled with mental health before .. Last September/October changed me completely. I was diagnosed with preeclampsia at 29 weeks pregnant, before I was pregnant I had only ever had the occasional shot, I had never been in hospital. The day I was diagnosed the next 2 months was living hell .. I was flown from my rural town to Brisbane for an emergency cesarean, I'm petrified of planes and had only ever been on 1 my entire life. Then I was strapped down on a stretcher in a tiny rural flying doctors plane and flown straight to Brisbane. When I got to brisbane they decided they could control my blood pressure and controlled it till I was 35 weeks. So everyday I had multiple injections, medication 3 hourly and observation. All I wanted to do was cuddle my partner and fall asleep but I couldn't leave the hospital, I was so petrified. Then the day finally came where they told me 'bub isn't growing and has lost the fluid around her, we will be delivering her today'. This shocked me to my core .. I was booked in for 2pm, i was almost in the operating room, when I got bumped and had to wait longer, I hadn't even decided on a spinal or to go under. By the time I got into the operating room my blood pressure had sky rocketed and the surgeon said if I got a spinal there is a chance they would have to put me under half way through if my blood pressure was to climb any higher. So I went under and had a gorgeous little 2012gm baby girl. She was immediately taken to NICU, we couldn't hold her for 3 days then I was discharged and I had to leave her there .. she had to stay for a month, this damaged my soul. I'm starting to recognize my triggers .. I've only found one but that's a start the fear of having a heart attack as I suffer palpitations from the anxiety. my heart is racing just typing this and I feel physically sick.

Stuck.

replies: 2

Hi my name is Claudia and this is just feeling like a shout into the void but I’m hoping something will come of it. I have been diagnosed with severe depression, generalised anxiety disorder, social anxiety and OCD. I had what I feel very changing an... View more

Hi my name is Claudia and this is just feeling like a shout into the void but I’m hoping something will come of it. I have been diagnosed with severe depression, generalised anxiety disorder, social anxiety and OCD. I had what I feel very changing and horrible experiences through my childhood. I felt there was a lot of abuse through the situations, but they call me crazy and slam me back down. I’m 15 years old and have had mental health issues majorly impacting my life for around 7-8 years now, I remember praying and begging for my life to be taken before I could even comprehend suicidality I don’t know how or if things will get better, I don’t even know if it is possible to work through these things, I don’t know if they can help me. I’ve been on around 4-5 medications, from lowest to highest doses, 13 therapists/psychiatrists and nothing has helped. It just feels hopeless sometimes. I’d like to hear about if anyone has been in similar situations. But I should wrap this up now. There’s so many people here and I’m just one. I don’t wanna take up too much. I hope everyone has an absolutely lovely day.

Anxiety used to threaten - huge vent honestly

replies: 2

Hi. I’m honestly here to vent about stuff. My parents have been using my social anxiety as a reason to make me do more work and use it to threaten me. My anxiety has gotten to the point where I don’t want to call people, feel physical pain and pressu... View more

Hi. I’m honestly here to vent about stuff. My parents have been using my social anxiety as a reason to make me do more work and use it to threaten me. My anxiety has gotten to the point where I don’t want to call people, feel physical pain and pressure and have been ok the verge of a mass panic attack. Especially adorning a homophobic father it obviously hasn’t been easy. I’m always on the verge of tears and can cry anytime, and I’ve just began ignoring getting yelled at and physically abused. It’s not great. I’m scared for everything, and everyone’s going to suspect me of having this and annoy me and use me for it. Right now I’m just worried for everything. This has barred me from making so many new connections and I’ve lost so much I can’t even recover. I just want to go back to the old days where I wasn’t berated for a mental condition that was induced upon me in this household. I don’t want to be blamed for everything. Im sick of it and I want to be somewhere nobody can use me. Or take advantage of my good nature. Anxiety is the worst when you feel like someone’s hurting you every time you speak to the one special person you know you can’t have, or the times that your forced into social situations that make you just want to pass out or leave. That’s it for the vent. If I respond it’s only to reassure. I’ll read everything, thank you.

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