Feel like walking away

[NoHar]

Hi. I am new to the forum. I have been married for 20 years and 2 kids. I suspect t my husband is an alcoholic but not sure. Also believe he has anxiety and he has mostly agreed with having anxiety. All undiagnosed.

For the past 2/3 months, he has consistently had more than 2 drinks daily with the previous 2 weekends averaging about 9 or 10 per day. He will place empty beer cans in different boxes around the house. In the past he has (without asking), drunk my wines, vodka and any other alcohol I have bought. One wine was a special 40th birthday present he decided to drink one afternoon before i got home from work. I came home to 3 qtrs of the bottle gone. Only replaced it with a chest red that i could only use for cooking.

He hides bottles of wine in the shed and in a locked cupboard in the garage. At the moment, he has placed a bottle in the corner of the house behind an occasional chair. This is not new and this hiding has been ongoing for many years. He drinks mainly by himself and if we are home he will drink in the shed or garage out of site. He is extremely defensive about his consumption.

I don't know if this is a physical dependence or a psychological one and I don't know how to keep living with this. His behaviour even after only 1 or 2 get really nastily sarcastic and abusive - as an example... calling all the indigenous students at the indigenous unit at my uni (including me) a bunch of zombies. ( I have gone back to uni getting a dual degree).

Opinions would be most welcome.

I am exhausted from coping with this.

[Guest_7403]

The question id be posing wouldn't be is he an alcoholic....It's why does he need to drink? What is he trying to mask with it

[NoHar]

Thanks Therborderline. It is the 64million dollar question. I believe partly anxiety which he refuses to seek help for. His dad was an alcoholic who was physically dependant. I never met him (he died before I met my husband) but I believe he was not a very nice man.

There appears to be self esteem issues as he is constantly seeking approval from others as well and demands affection a lot.

He is also been an extremely negative and cynical person in the last few years. I am thinking about walking away because he is negative towards the kids (he got so frustrated with one having difficulty with starting homework that he told them they will amount to nothing in life).

I guess asking about the alcohol was my first step to perhaps getting him to seek help for that - then try to progress to other mental health issues.

I appreciate your thoughts. It got me thinking constructively.

[geoff]

Hello NoHar, thanks for posting your comment and I'm pleased I clicked on it so I could read it.

From what you told us it seems as though your husband is a 'cupboard drinker' and I say this without any harm, but I was also one that had to hide alcohol from my family and certainly any friends that came to our place.

People didn't know how much I drank or even when I was drinking, that's what your husband could be doing, but it's for a reason and as you say he believes he has anxiety, that's what I had, plus I was in depression.

If he is able to see his doctor who can diagnose him and then provide the appropriate treatment and refer him to a psychologist.

There is much I'd like to talk to you about and hope you can give us the opportunity, and I know there will be questions you may want to ask us, please do, ask anything you want as it must be an awful time for you, I do feel sorry for you and I also have feelings for what your husband is going through.

I realise that there maybe a wall separating you at this time, this is something that has happened to me.

Geoff.

[NoHar]

Thank you geoff. I appreciate your candid response. Believe me I have had thoughts worse than "cupboard drinker" go through my head recently and in the past. I have no idea how much he drinks although there are some very tell tale signs in his personality that indicate that he has been drinking and to some degree how much.

There are thousands of questions that run through my head every day - most of which only he will be able to answer so they really are pointless to dwell on. I really need to re think my questions to those that I can answer about myself and my behaviour at this stage. One question that is plaguing me is how do I approach him about this and what is an appropriate response? A few days ago I confronted him about the latest bottle (placed behind an occasional chair). His response was immediately accusing me of accusing hi of being an alcoholic (which is a tel tale response in itself) bit it has led to him pointedly telling the kids that he has "specifically placed it there so that it is out of sight". I feel that this is dangerous as t is normalising an abnormal behaviour to the kids. So this worries me and leads me to believe that I have approached this in the wrong way.

I your experience, what approach has made you think, and respond honestly to others? What responses help and which ones don't? What behaviours can I display to help rather than to hinder help? Which responses don't incite anger and aggression - as this has been an issue in the past?

Thanks

[geoff]

Hi NoHar, I really appreciate your reply, because it can be a difficult topic to talk about and the questions you ask your husband, you probably won't get the truth, the answers he makes will what you want to hear.

What he accuses you of is actually what he is doing and what he tries to convince the kids of why the alcohol is behind the chair, they catch on very quickly and know that it's not the truth.

No one believes what an alcoholic says, simply because they are always trying to find money to buy the grog or to drive them done to the street because they need more.

I suppose once response from my wife was that she would leave me if I don't stop, ( she did leave me for other reasons once), if friends criticise you for drinking too much then you certainly become more of a cupboard drinker.

If you tip out any alcohol you find and tell him, that's what could make him angry, I was always a pacifist, never ever hurt ot hit anybody at all, but this could happen.

You can ask him until the cows come home to give it away, but, unfortunately, he is the person who has to decide this.

Another option is to tell him to move out, but if he moves to his brother's house, this could incite him to drink move, so it's a catch-22, although you could move out, I know that's a pain.

There is AA and I can give half a dozen other sites if you believe he will attend and I will absolutely provide them for you, if you believe he will attend, plus his doctor, but he will only do this if he wants to stop.

Please let me know and if I haven't answered all your questions in a way you understand, please get back to me, one way or another.

My best.

Geoff.

(I haven't proof read any of this as I have to take my dog down to the vets).

[geoff]

Hi NoHar, I didn't say that I only drink socially and have for a long time, but there is something I lost and something I gained.

Geoff.

[NoHar]

Hi Geoff

Thanks for your replies and apologies for the length of time for this response. Kids and outside school commitments as well as my university studies got the better of me during the week. There has been no change in his behavior - and i guess i was not expecting any. I have let go of the attempts to reason with him and I have decided to start to reduce my enabling actions as well - at this stage I feel I need to limit/stop any interactions with him if he has had a drink. After the discussions of last week he is aware that I know about him hiding alcohol and he has attempted to goad me into further interaction about this by placing a long time empty bottle back into the house where I can see it. I know however that this was in fact in a cupboard in the garage for some months. This prompted me to back off with the talk of alcohol and reason and only interact when he is sober (as far as I am able to tell that he is sober at least).

I know that being able to ascertain if he has been drinking is going to be difficult. That is the nature of the beast I guess. His tolerance to alcohol may also be increasing - over the last 3 weeks he has averaged about 38 drinks per week. I don't know how "bad" this is but I know it is not healthy.

It has also been made clear that he prefers the relationship with alcohol over me and the kids. He wanted me to stop on the side of the highway (which wold have been illegal) so that he could get another drink out of the back of the car. Earlier that day when he picked me up on his way home, he had a drink already on the go in the car while he was driving. I don't know if that was his first or not - so will be declining lifts from now and taking public transport instead in these instances.

I also came to realise that I need to let him do what he wants - hit rock bottom. I also realise with some dread that this may end tragically. In another 5 months I will be back at full time work and able to move out of the house with the kids. Not ideal but at least they wont be exposed to the toxic behaviour.

Still exhausted.

NoHar

[Guest_7403]

I like to have a drink....maybe 2 or 3 cans a night and i was concerned i was an alcoholic....when i raised it with my gp he said that an alcoholic drinks whenever they are awake....18+ beers a day

I realise 38 sounds like a lot but in terms of alcoholism.

Best regards

[geoff]

Hi NoHar, it's good to hear back from you.

You've made a good decision in the future not be picked by him, if he has had a 'drink on the go' then he may have had a couple beforehand so that he can handle any conversation in the car.

He has made himself clear at this point that he prefers alcohol before anything else and the consequences of drink-driving aren't good from my own experience, so please make sure you are safe.

You aren't responsible if 'this may end tragically', as you say, he may wake up and get help or he could stop, but it's good you and the kids are moving out and can I ask if you know where you are going, and please only answer this if you want to.

The definition of being an alcoholic changes from person to person and I'm not going to describe who is or how many drinks defines this, however, being a cupboard drinker I think would qualify and 'whenever they are awake'.

Best wishes.