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A_Tech PTSD for Medical and First Responders
  • replies: 276

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting t... View more

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others). Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management. I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat. Cheers

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Ramm Treatment advice? - trigger warning sexual abuse
  • replies: 4

I didn’t really know where to put this, but I think this is the right spot. I think it’s best to provide some background information about me to paint the picture. I suffered abuse from my mother from ages 3-9; everything from physical to sexual. Thi... View more

I didn’t really know where to put this, but I think this is the right spot. I think it’s best to provide some background information about me to paint the picture. I suffered abuse from my mother from ages 3-9; everything from physical to sexual. This was because a myriad of things. 1: my mother was an alcoholic and a drug addict. 2: she had untreated mental disorders. 3: I displayed lesbian tendencies as a child and she was against that. So, mother forced me to grow my hair, wear feminine clothes, be feminine and date boys (since I was 4). I’ve been living with my dad since I was 9. I’ve had problems with self-harm and suicide tendencies/attempts since I was 7 (I’m safe, don’t worry). I’ve been doing counselling on and off for 10 years and have been dabbling in prescribed medication for about 6 months, though I stopped because they caused me to relapse in self-harming. I was diagnosed with GAD when I was 13, but then was diagnosed with PTSD last year. As a result, I have no idea who I am. I never established a sense of self because my mum forced me to be something that I wasn’t. I don’t know my morals, personality, or my fashion sense. I look in the mirror and feel confused and afraid. I can’t make any decisions and I have no direction in my life. I don’t know how to act or interact with others, so I just stay at home. I don’t have a desire for anything and literally do nothing, as I have no hobbies. I don’t have any friends, so seeking guidance from friends is impossible. I just feel very empty and confused. My counsellor is no help, she acts so patronising and I lie to make it seem like I’m better than what I am. I haven’t told my doctor or my counsellor that I’m off my medication and I feel so trapped. I honestly don’t know what to do. Please help!

Asenna Ptsd or not ptsd
  • replies: 1

Hi there, I’ve a few threads going on but mostly under depression..... But Im here to clarify whether my symptoms are ptsd or simply major depression with anxiety. 2012, things were okay in life if a little stressful. I had issues with my gallbladder... View more

Hi there, I’ve a few threads going on but mostly under depression..... But Im here to clarify whether my symptoms are ptsd or simply major depression with anxiety. 2012, things were okay in life if a little stressful. I had issues with my gallbladder and finally decided to have it taken out. Was a little anxious as normal, like who likes surgery even if it’s elective. Had my gallbladder removed, was only supposed to be overnight. To cut a long story short the surgeon found something that he thought wasn’t right. I asked if it was cancer and he said maybe. I felt sad and wanting to be with my family but stayed another night. After more tests he said it was highly likely it was cancer. My world fell apart. I felt so scared and anxious. I didnt want to have cancer nor die from it. I was beside myself. I felt highly anxious as I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I was also depressed because it involved the liver. Highly likely went to 99% sure. I seeked reassurance from lots of people to put my mind at ease and I found it so hard to function. Seeked a second opinion and was told it was very unlikely it was canver. It was something but he wasn’t sure. The uncertainty continued but the anxiety has subsided a bit. Still quite emotional. Had an ercp and found it was just a dislodged stone stuck there. All clear. My worry has completely gone. Mind you the word cancer sent shivers up my spine but I simply moved on with life. Move to 2014, and I wanted to have my prostate checked as I had inconsistent wee. The worry returned but it wasn’t debilitating one bit. It was just worry. Had another check up but the day I was waiting for the results I couldn’t keep my mind away from the thoughts. I was quite anxious and stressed. The results came through and I was ok. It was nothing tablets couldn’t settle. Two weeks after that I started to feel my anxiety begin to re emerge. I was feeling weird and worried about little ailments. Before you know it I was in full blown anxiety and overly emotional. The anxiety was the killer. I couldn’t sit still. The adrenaline was overpowering. The sadness was intense. I didn’t feel safe on my own. I didn’t suffer from flashbacks. I didn’t suffer from any nightmares. It was full blown anxiety. It felt like a nervous breakdown but my psych said it was trauma. I didn’t get it. He said it will come good in a number of weeks. Nup!! I was gone. I wasn’t convinced it was that. A year after this happened I lost my marriage and family. Fab

Ytoojae Hi all - my battles.
  • replies: 2

Hi all New to the BB forums. I'm a male in my late thirties. I've battled depression for much of my life due to a long list of issues * My father died when I was 18. Less than 3 months later I started caring for my mother 24/7 for over three-years 90... View more

Hi all New to the BB forums. I'm a male in my late thirties. I've battled depression for much of my life due to a long list of issues * My father died when I was 18. Less than 3 months later I started caring for my mother 24/7 for over three-years 90% of which she was couch (not even bed) bound until she died a week before my 22nd birthday * I lost several close friends including my first girlfriend in a car accident when I was 16 * In my twenties I overcame a car accident (23), cancer (24), stroke (26) and an international imprisonment for crimes I did not commit (27-29). My thirties have been fairly good by comparison: * Completed multiple university degrees * Have worked for successful international companies and brands * Raised a lot of money for worthy causes * Volunteered at the Comm Games and other events Unfortunately, the only actual 'job' that I've held since moving to my current city -- beyond freelancing -- was for a seedy company who prayed on the weak/poor. This tore my soul out. And it's taken me almost three years to find proper employment since. Thankfully these are issues that I've worked on, and for the most part, have put behind me. Recently, I have started what I hope is the most satisfying and meaningful relationship I'll be a part of. She's an amazing young woman who has all of the characteristics that I am looking for in a partner and an equal. She's someone that I can talk to more than anybody I've ever been able to talk to. I am blessed to have her in my life and grateful. About a week ago I opened up to her about a topic that I had never opened up about before -- my sexual abuse at the hands of two of the three different people -- in my early years through to mid-to-late teens. This led to our first argument because I didn't want to see her as a counselor and I didn't want her to view me as one. She went to bed and didn't speak to me for the rest of the night. I then entered the self-sabotage mindset that I occasionally do when the shit hits the fan (again, our first major misunderstanding, etc.). I posted a lengthy post on Facebook tagging my friends and loved ones (including her) in on the post and divulged details about the third (and most significant) sexual abuse events (that I didn't tell her about the night before). This is my new battle. I'm not sure where to start. I've lined up a counseling session. However, I've succeeded in beating and battling the others. I'll conquer this one too. Thanks for having me!

Hope4tomorrow seeking identification with others! Feeling numb, lost and defeated
  • replies: 1

I didn't exactly have the easiest of upbringings but I have enough life experience to know that I had it better than some. Considering my personality though, it has from the opinion of my nearly sourced clinical psychologist (1st apt) had a profound ... View more

I didn't exactly have the easiest of upbringings but I have enough life experience to know that I had it better than some. Considering my personality though, it has from the opinion of my nearly sourced clinical psychologist (1st apt) had a profound effect on the first years of life after leaving home at 18. Anxiety, depression, paranoia (distrust of people and their intentions), substance use issues, some homelessness and a sexual assault (minor compared to what it could've been) by a male at the age of 21, was the first 4 years of my life post leaving home. Couldn't hold down work and was constantly leaving jobs and getting new work due to the above first 3 issues raised. I traveled back home to where I was born at the age of 21 and a year later my brother suicided and it destroyed any semblance of faith that I had in myself, life and others. I've never been the same since. My best friend died 6 years later. In Nov 2015 and I entered a 12-step fellowship to learn how to live life clean and to attempt to clear up my life confusion and the wreckage of my past. although I was able to really work on myself over 3 yrs through working the steps (I got up to half way through step 10) I found that my faith in it being able to help me to get me to a point of being employable again stopped working for me. I started seeing the fellowship for what it really was, not what I wanted it to be. Anyway, I pulled away. The 12th anniversary of my brothers death is coming up pretty soon and every year that it comes around, I'm utterly incapable of staying sane through it. It re exposes me to the trauma and body memories of it every year. I ended up picking up some drugs after being 9.75 months clean due to everything that I was feeling coming up to this anniversary (numbness, fear and self-pity) and my mental health has already taken a dive yet again. I have a lot of therapy to get through and I just feel like it's too little too late; one appointment a fortnight? I feel completely overwhelmed, and like the services that are ment to be there to help people with the array of issues that someone like me may have, has it's doors closed due to government greed and stigma and I feel helpless. Any suggestions that may help? Meds never worked. I already walk for an hour a few times a week and eat healthy. I will be stopping the drugs again in a week or less. The longer that I use, the worse that I'm going to feel. I know this from experience. 34 yo male.

Icecreamlover19 Mental and Emotional Abusive Relationship
  • replies: 8

Hi. I was in an emotionally, mentally and psychologically abusive relationship from march - May. I lived with him and he controlled every aspect of my life. He is also one of my staff members so processed all my paperwork etc. We still work in the sa... View more

Hi. I was in an emotionally, mentally and psychologically abusive relationship from march - May. I lived with him and he controlled every aspect of my life. He is also one of my staff members so processed all my paperwork etc. We still work in the same area which is where all my anxiety is coming from. I have a TPO against him and today I spent 5.5hrs with him waiting for court. He was staring at me for most of the day. He does this often because we work together. I hate it but I can’t stop it. My workplace don’t care hence why they haven’t moved either of us. Tonight, specifically, I am exhausted. All day I’ve been putting on an act because I didn’t want him knowing how badly I’m coping but now that I’m alone and there’s no one here, I’m exhausted. My emotions have been all over the place because now I want him to know how I’m not coping. I’m scared that I still care for him because I don’t know if this is a normal feeling. We did remain friends because of work but he found out about a guy I was seeing and lost it completely. That’s when he started abusing me and making my workplace unsafe. But now, I’m at work and constantly looking around for him, my hands shake, I sweat uncontrollably, I’ve been waking up at 2-3am in a huge pool of sweat every night. I’m dehydrated. I’m drinking double what I usually do but I’m just sweating it out at night. My mouth is always dry. I come home and I’m absolutely exhausted. I feel like I’m on high alert all the time. He has been parking next to me at work. I have had a tension headache for the past week. It comes on stronger when I think of him but it’s always in the background. I’ve been told by a psych that I show signs of PTSD, anxiety and depression. My appetite is gone tonight. Everything is such a challenge. Even simple things. It takes so much energy to hate him. I’m so sick of crying but I don’t know what else to do.

Lonely___Lost Need help after controlling/abusive relationship
  • replies: 3

I spent 12 years in an emotionally and physically controlling relationship. I have 2 beautiful boys to this person so it was not easy to leave. He controlled every aspect of my life and I was a possession to him. A lot of the time, a sexual possessio... View more

I spent 12 years in an emotionally and physically controlling relationship. I have 2 beautiful boys to this person so it was not easy to leave. He controlled every aspect of my life and I was a possession to him. A lot of the time, a sexual possession. He was always with me or messaging or calling to check in on me so that constant contact became normal to me. He also completely destroyed my self esteem and left me thinking I’m worthless. My problem now nearly 5 years after leaving, I have so many issues that I can’t make a relationship work. I seek attention from other men even if I’m in a happy relationship. I don’t know why this is. and need help figuring it out coz it’s ruining my life!! I’ve recently split from partner of 2 1/2 years and at times I was so irrational and needy with him that I can’t believe we lasted so long. I seem to be seeking that constant attention that I had from my abusive partner. I was also so used to being sexualised that I felt my bf since didn’t love me or want to be with me because he didn’t treat me the same way. I did seek attention elsewhere even though I was completely in love with my partner. A couple messages with a old school friend in another state including a provocative pic (not naked) and I’ve destroyed any chance of being with the man I loved and wanted to spend my life with. I dont know why I made such a huge mistake and hiw I could hurt to person I love. I need to know why I’m like this and if I can be fixed.. Has anyone else experienced this type of thing after being in an abusive and controlling relationship? Please help!!

Constellation I would like to reach out to those experienced with PTSD as a personal diagnosis...
  • replies: 4

I was diagnosed with PTSD by a Psychologist about 9 years ago. I would like to reach out to those who have had a similar diagnosis or medical and trained professionals answering this forum. I was found abandoned as a child, within a war zone. I was t... View more

I was diagnosed with PTSD by a Psychologist about 9 years ago. I would like to reach out to those who have had a similar diagnosis or medical and trained professionals answering this forum. I was found abandoned as a child, within a war zone. I was then placed into an orphanage, 5 kids to a cot, and then was adopted by well-meaning Caucasian parents. I am only now interested in visiting a Psychiatrist and asking them to use FMRI (?) technology to show this diagnosis as clearly operating within my brain. I am not certain that I want to submit to a Psychiatrist's diagnosis and confirmation of PTSD, WITHOUT scientific and visual proof. If it is the case, I would like to follow the course of counselling, medication or monitoring where relevant. Apart from certain "obvious"indicators which show my behaviour to be very different to the average or normal person in terms of relationships and responses to change etc (I am happy to discuss these symptoms in much greater detail if you have been diagnosed with PTSD or are a Medical professional etc), one of the most obvious symptoms is waking every morning at the same time, regardless of where I am located in the world. Sleep can be interupted, especially if there is an important appointment I need to attend the following day. I have an extraordinary memory for the long term past, but my short term memory can see me forget something of detail within 5 minutes. I can also get lost easily with or without the help of Google Maps! Lol. And a simple journey of just 10 kms can take me several hours if I get disoriented. How would I say that it affects my personality overall? Deep suspicion and inability to trust others, inability to sustain friendships, wary of emotional connection, these are just some cursory notes on who I present myself to be in the world. If I am to believe that I have had this disorder, my personality has grown up with it, and functioned despite of it...if that makes sense. I would be very interested to know your symptoms, observations, discussions with medical professionals... as I haven't yet received those images from a Psychiatrist yet, but even before or upon receiving them, I would like to understand this diagnosis in far greater depth. I hope that this briefly outlines what I would like to chat about. What are your experiences? Can you relate to anything that I am talking about too? Many thanks...

Tia82 Potential PTSD - own daughter a trigger
  • replies: 3

Hi, first post so here goes. I've never really spoken to a professional about the following. All of my sessions have focused on my Bipolar and my daughters ADHD etc. However, my daughters now 10, starting puberty and more and more I'm reflecting/ thi... View more

Hi, first post so here goes. I've never really spoken to a professional about the following. All of my sessions have focused on my Bipolar and my daughters ADHD etc. However, my daughters now 10, starting puberty and more and more I'm reflecting/ thinking about my childhood closer to that age. When I was about 12yrs old starting high school I made a new best friend. Her mum was quite young (had her at 16) worked nights/ weekends as a cleaner, and so me and my friend spent most of the time with mums boyfriend. He was a heavily tattooed biker gang type. When I was 13 he brought us alcohol and gave us pot for New Years Eve. Now for the triggering stuff... The first night I slept over I got up in the night for the bathroom and he was walking around naked. I was shocked and went back to bed but never told my parents. Things then escalated over nearly 2 years. I'm sure my friend had been sexually abused by him since he'd been in her life (from 8yrs). That New Years I mentioned - I blacked out big sections (think it's ok) but woke to find her in skimpy pjs cuddling him on his bed. I only mentioned any of this to my dad in my mid 20s when I was supporting my sister explaining an abuse by an uncle. For many years this impacted on sexual activities I wouldn't do etc. I received a friend's request a few years ago from the girl and I declined, it spooked me and I couldn't face the conversation. I've always felt guilty about not going to the police. Another friend mentioned later that lots of kids knew what was happening... Now my daughter is nearing this same age and it's making me think more and more about it. Who knows what her friends are like. Is it possible to have PTSD from witnessing something like this, and for it to rear up so long after? I'm thinking this is something I need to bring up with my psych and possibly see a psychologist about? Thanks in advance.

Compassion12 Covert Narcassist Psychopath Abuse
  • replies: 5

Hello all, After 4 weeks of no contact with my partner of 20 years, reality has hit me with why life with him was sucking my life, literally. Anyone who has recovered from narcasstic or other dark triad personality disordered partners, please reach o... View more

Hello all, After 4 weeks of no contact with my partner of 20 years, reality has hit me with why life with him was sucking my life, literally. Anyone who has recovered from narcasstic or other dark triad personality disordered partners, please reach out. The master manipulator, as I am told my professionals, is a covert narcasstic psychopath, as he lacks empathy, remorse and even denies strangling me, which is when experts forced me out. Since then I learn about emotional, psychological abuse, cycle of violence, power and control, DV, and about the disorders. All while seeking a place to be safe. Currently no support around me and I know it's not me, rather him, as he projects himself onto me to others, saying I am abusive and the victim depressed play. Still, I am isolated and deprived and reach out in hope of anyone being compassionate and empathic to just be a friend. It is not healthy to be isolated, just like having someone you thought you loved trauma bond you and intentionally enjoy hurting in hope to gain control. I only loved and trusted but no fool after being awakened yo the truth. I know I grieve, loss and trauma recover. However, to reach out is healthy, since despite my proactive resourceful nature, everything else I tried has not succeeded. Like to connect honestly, learning the red flags of such energy emotional vampires now, as honesty builds trust and I have little energy to be anyone other than me. Thank you for your time and reaching out. Balancing my healing with energy cost to meet new people I don't have energy to engage with without such truth. Sad reality is many will not real talk, rather superficial, which is what costs energy. Catch 22! Take care

Alex18 Help am I depressed or over sensitive? (Trigger Warning - Sexual Abuse)
  • replies: 5

Hi I’m in uni at the moment and have always felt this huge immense pressure since highschool to do well and knowing that I am an average student at best no matter what I do has thrown me into a depressive state for years. I’ve lost enjoyment in every... View more

Hi I’m in uni at the moment and have always felt this huge immense pressure since highschool to do well and knowing that I am an average student at best no matter what I do has thrown me into a depressive state for years. I’ve lost enjoyment in everything I used to love. I think about suicide a lot but would never do it. I’ve been sexually assaulted multiple times but never fully raped. However I get extremely emotional about it even though it happened years ago. Every night before bed I think of scenarios in which I’m raped or assaulted. I get these feelings of immense sadness and feel worthless but immediately I say I am extremely privileged my parents are paying for my uni I’ve never been raped I have no reason to feel this way. I don’t even cry anymore I just lay down for entire days because the way I feel stops me from doing anything. Idk if it’s depression or anxiety- I don’t consider my self an anxious person and when I’m out with people you would think the opposite of depression but when I’m alone thinking of who I am I feel nothing but hate. Is there a certain type of depression this may be? I’m wondering specifically why every night I think of those scenarios when I’m raped except when I do I don’t feel any feelings of fear, just normality. This was super brief and rush but the general idea is there. What should I do?Any help would be appreciated thankyou