Hi all - my battles.

[Ytoojae]

Hi all

New to the BB forums. I'm a male in my late thirties. I've battled depression for much of my life due to a long list of issues

* My father died when I was 18. Less than 3 months later I started caring for my mother 24/7 for over three-years 90% of which she was couch (not even bed) bound until she died a week before my 22nd birthday

* I lost several close friends including my first girlfriend in a car accident when I was 16

* In my twenties I overcame a car accident (23), cancer (24), stroke (26) and an international imprisonment for crimes I did not commit (27-29).

My thirties have been fairly good by comparison:

* Completed multiple university degrees

* Have worked for successful international companies and brands

* Raised a lot of money for worthy causes

* Volunteered at the Comm Games and other events

Unfortunately, the only actual 'job' that I've held since moving to my current city -- beyond freelancing -- was for a seedy company who prayed on the weak/poor. This tore my soul out. And it's taken me almost three years to find proper employment since.

Thankfully these are issues that I've worked on, and for the most part, have put behind me.

Recently, I have started what I hope is the most satisfying and meaningful relationship I'll be a part of. She's an amazing young woman who has all of the characteristics that I am looking for in a partner and an equal. She's someone that I can talk to more than anybody I've ever been able to talk to. I am blessed to have her in my life and grateful.

About a week ago I opened up to her about a topic that I had never opened up about before -- my sexual abuse at the hands of two of the three different people -- in my early years through to mid-to-late teens. This led to our first argument because I didn't want to see her as a counselor and I didn't want her to view me as one. She went to bed and didn't speak to me for the rest of the night. I then entered the self-sabotage mindset that I occasionally do when the shit hits the fan (again, our first major misunderstanding, etc.). I posted a lengthy post on Facebook tagging my friends and loved ones (including her) in on the post and divulged details about the third (and most significant) sexual abuse events (that I didn't tell her about the night before).

This is my new battle. I'm not sure where to start. I've lined up a counseling session. However, I've succeeded in beating and battling the others. I'll conquer this one too.

Thanks for having me!

[PamelaR]

Hi Jtoojae and very warm welcome to Beyond Blue

Thank you so much for sharing your story here. You've been so brave, I can't imagine what it's been to live your life. How wonderful you have been throughout it all. Such a very strong and courageous person.

Depression is the pits at times? Though as you will see from others here in our community, that depression is manageable. Feel free to browse the depresion forum and join in any discussion you want.There are other threads that you might find useful. Do some keyword searches in the search field at the top of the page.

While I'm not a health professional, I have experience with PTSD (from childhood trauma and a childhood rape), anxiety and depression.
I know what you mean about 'new battle'. There are so many in our lives. The good thing is, you are a survivor!! This is just one more hurdle to jump. I've always found that disclosing, sets my triggers jangling, mistrust in myself and everyone around me. Now that I see this, it makes it so much easier to manage. Doesn't make it go away, it's just a life of one step forward, two steps back. And in the very early stages, it often felt like 3-5 steps back. Now I can take 3-5 steps forward and 1 step back.

I did all this with the support of an excellent doctor and psychologists. It's taken some time to help me reach a state of 'feeling okay about myself', but I'm there and it's awesome.

In addition, I also started medication that I had refused for quite sometime in the belief it was all in my head. Going on medication helped me move on.
The other good thing that happened was - opening up to my husband. He is someone I can talk to. An added support person.

I expect that your journey over the coming weeks / years will be painful. But you are so strong Ytoojae I have faith you'll work through it all.

Do you have a good network around you to help? I think that while your new partner is a bit disappointed / angry about your disclosure, there is probably a couple of reasons for this. One, she's possibly feeling your pain, two, she thinks you've not been honest. How do you think you can work through this? I have found that 'talking', real honest talking helps significantly in these situations.

Keep reaching out Ytoojae, you're not alone. Though there is no pressure to do so - only if and when you want to.
Kind regards
PamelaR

[Ytoojae]

Her anger and frustration was on several different levels

1. I tagged so many people into the post. We are new so for a lot of people this is how they found out about her. Had she not had her privacy settings set to prevent things like this being shared then this is also how I would have been introduced to her family and any opportunity that she had to present me as her new, great, partner would have been robbed from her.

2. Yes, that I wasn't completely honest and that I held important facts out of our conversation. It would have led to feelings of "what else have you not told me about?" when all along I've attempted to be as much of an "open book" as possible. But once trust is broken in one sense it always opens a can of worms.

3. That she was the very first person that I've opened up to in regards to my sexual abuse sort of gave her ownership over part of it. It meant that I gave her the type of trust that very few people would ever have. She viewed this as something very special. That I blew this the very next day by posting about it publicly on social media would have devastated her.

4. Her last partner used to do the same exact thing -- post every thought on Facebook. She told me about this very early on. Hence why her privacy settings are so high on being tagged into posts. I've always been the one who wants to learn from the mistakes former partners did so that I don't repeat them. This one is a significant issue for her and I repeated it. It's not her job to do "damage control" on our relationship.

There are other reasons too but this would be the "big four." Thankfully, we are both "brutal honesty instead of beautiful lies" type people so digging deep and having a D&M hasn't been difficult.

No, I do not have a large support network. My "family" are outside of the country right now with no ETA due to caring for a family member that was injured in a car accident.

I do have a great psychologist who I have made appointments to see. Between her and my girl that's a good starting point. Of course, my "family" I can talk to online and share our stuff together and that works both ways.

I got this. Day by day. I own my responsibilities and will create a very successful life out of this. When I do that I want to pay it forward absolutely.

Thanks for your reply.