Need help after controlling/abusive relationship

[Lonely___Lost]

I spent 12 years in an emotionally and physically controlling relationship. I have 2 beautiful boys to this person so it was not easy to leave. He controlled every aspect of my life and I was a possession to him. A lot of the time, a sexual possession. He was always with me or messaging or calling to check in on me so that constant contact became normal to me. He also completely destroyed my self esteem and left me thinking I’m worthless. My problem now nearly 5 years after leaving, I have so many issues that I can’t make a relationship work. I seek attention from other men even if I’m in a happy relationship. I don’t know why this is. and need help figuring it out coz it’s ruining my life!!

I’ve recently split from partner of 2 1/2 years and at times I was so irrational and needy with him that I can’t believe we lasted so long. I seem to be seeking that constant attention that I had from my abusive partner. I was also so used to being sexualised that I felt my bf since didn’t love me or want to be with me because he didn’t treat me the same way. I did seek attention elsewhere even though I was completely in love with my partner. A couple messages with a old school friend in another state including a provocative pic (not naked) and I’ve destroyed any chance of being with the man I loved and wanted to spend my life with. I dont know why I made such a huge mistake and hiw I could hurt to person I love. I need to know why I’m like this and if I can be fixed..

Has anyone else experienced this type of thing after being in an abusive and controlling relationship? Please help!! 😞

[PamelaR]

Hi Lonely and Lost and a warm welcome to Beyond Blue forums

Thank you so much for sharing your story. PTSD, anxiety and depression are difficult at times, though they are manageable. There are many positive stories throughout the forums that you can find that may help you. Especially stories like your own. Perhaps do a search for - abusive relationships. Generally I like to give an example of one, however, there are so many threads on this topic under different titles. Maybe also have a look at narcissistic too.

I’m pleased to hear you removed yourself from an emotionally and physically controlling relationship. Certainly not the place or space one wants to find themselves. It was very brave of you to move on. Well done.

My first husband was the same as yours. After I left I too continued to look for a similar type of person. In the end I wrote out a list of my wants from a person and a relationship. It helped me to find my current husband of 37 years.

That need for continued feelings of love, attention etc were also some of my own attributes. If he wasn’t giving me this attention I thought - he doesn’t love me. However, with the work of a good psychologist I was able to address these underlying emotional needs. I found they stemmed more from my childhood - lack of love, attention, support than anything else.

Do you have anyone you talk to? For example a close trusted friend or family member? Talking is always a good thing to help get some perspective on what one thinks. I often found my thoughts were a bit ‘unreal’ for ‘reality’. Getting these challenged was always good for me.

Are you seeing a doctor or health professional to get some guidance?

Hope some of this helps Lonely and Lost. You’re not alone in how your feeling.

Kind regards
PamelaR

[Lonely___Lost]

Hi PamelaK,

Thank you for your message. You saying you sometimes had thoughts that are ‘unreal’ for ‘reality’ I can completely relate to. I actually know when I’m doing this but just can’t seem to stop. At times I also find myself acting in the same way my abuser did to me, I don’t know why and I hate it when that comes out in me.

I am seeing a psychologist currently, only had a few sessions but I feel calmer after our sessions, I’ve also added the headspace app to my phone and doing the daily meditations.

Although I take comfort in knowing others have been through the same type of thing and have made it out the other side and found happiness, it also makes me sad that there are so many stories like mine.

I don’t feel I can talk to my family about it as we were often told to sort of just bundle up our bad thoughts and push them aside and get on with things. Perhaps as you have found, I too may have something more going on from my younger years I am not aware of. I have a few close friends but sometimes feel ashamed to be honest about what I really went through.

Thank you so much for your support. It means so much to hear from you and to know you managed to beat your past and find happiness 🌻

[Birdy77]

Dear Lonely & Lost,

I am really sorry to hear that things went south with your recent relationship, it is a sad fact that previous issues can really screw us around and set us back emotionally and have us acting in ways that do not help us in any way shape or form. But you are pushing through and you will get better after your terribly abusive previous relationship.

I can see a lot of my own past behaviours in what you and Pamela have described. I truly think I went pretty loopy after the end of my relationship with a narcissistic abuser. It's no wonder, really, when we are objectified, treated as a trophy, and get our brains messed with.

I nearly ruined a new, wonderful relationship as well, with my neediness, suspicion and other unattractive behaviours. I had to relearn, or actually, just learn what were healthy ways of being in a partnership. In hindsight, I can recognise that I was mirroring what I grew up with, what I witnessed between my parents, and other childhood issues.

I am so glad you are working through these things with a psychologist. Mine saved my life I think.

I am always happy to keep talking with you.

Thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts here.

🌻birdy