Mental and Emotional Abusive Relationship

Icecreamlover19 · ‎07-09-2018

Hi. I was in an emotionally, mentally and psychologically abusive relationship from march - May. I lived with him and he controlled every aspect of my life. He is also one of my staff members so processed all my paperwork etc. We still work in the same area which is where all my anxiety is coming from. I have a TPO against him and today I spent 5.5hrs with him waiting for court. He was staring at me for most of the day. He does this often because we work together. I hate it but I can’t stop it. My workplace don’t care hence why they haven’t moved either of us. Tonight, specifically, I am exhausted. All day I’ve been putting on an act because I didn’t want him knowing how badly I’m coping but now that I’m alone and there’s no one here, I’m exhausted. My emotions have been all over the place because now I want him to know how I’m not coping. I’m scared that I still care for him because I don’t know if this is a normal feeling. We did remain friends because of work but he found out about a guy I was seeing and lost it completely. That’s when he started abusing me and making my workplace unsafe. But now, I’m at work and constantly looking around for him, my hands shake, I sweat uncontrollably, I’ve been waking up at 2-3am in a huge pool of sweat every night. I’m dehydrated. I’m drinking double what I usually do but I’m just sweating it out at night. My mouth is always dry. I come home and I’m absolutely exhausted. I feel like I’m on high alert all the time. He has been parking next to me at work. I have had a tension headache for the past week. It comes on stronger when I think of him but it’s always in the background. I’ve been told by a psych that I show signs of PTSD, anxiety and depression. My appetite is gone tonight. Everything is such a challenge. Even simple things. It takes so much energy to hate him. I’m so sick of crying but I don’t know what else to do.

Quercus · ‎08-09-2018

Hi Icecreamlover and welcome to the forums.

Ok I have to ask the obvious question sorry... Is a job transfer/relocation an option?

You mentioned two things that really concern me...

1. You feel unsafe.

2. Your employer doesn't care.

Given those two facts is remaining in this workplace a safe option for you?

Your employer may not care but if you are being threatened or harrassed they legally have to take some form of action to provide a safe working environment. Have you spoken to your line manager about options to manage this situation?

You asked if how you still care for him is normal... For me it was. When you spend ages being controlled that person's opinion is your world. After a time I would look to him for cues about how I was expected to act. My life was not my own and it was difficult afterwards to learn to do as I pleased. Even now I wonder daily "am I doing this because I want to or because I have to". It gets better with time and distance.

On that note... Seeing him at work almost daily... Wow that idea freaks me out. You are very brave. His outburst at your new relationship sounds frightening. How are you supposed to heal and move on with him looming over you and still intimidating you?

When you spoke to your psych did they have any ideas about dealing with this person if you had to remain at this workplace?

I hope you keep writing. I wish I had helpful words but even having to live opposite my ex at uni was terrifying so I can't begin to imagine having to work with him.

Nat

Icecreamlover19 · ‎08-09-2018

Hi Nat

So I can ask to be posted either to another unit or location however, there is a high chance I will be sent to an undesirable location and then, I will really be stuck there because once they have gone through that removal process, it cannot be done again for at least another 3 years. I’m already hating my worklife enough let alone being in a location I hate, where nothing can be done about it. I would like to be sent closer to my family however, that almost never happens in my job.

I was told that he was moved to another area of where we both work however that was only for a short period of time but I was seeing him at work daily anyway. So nothing changed.

My workplace has opened an investigation into my original complaint about him which entails everything he did to me, both at work and Home, and the result of that was 4 pending charges against me for Unacceptable Behaviour; 2 of 4 of those charges have nothing to do directly with his behaviour towards me. Throughout this whole investigation process that came about because of my complaint, I now have 4 charges that may or may not come my way. I didn’t speak up so that I can be punished by my workplace, especially when I have done nothing wrong. My workplace are waiting on the outcome of the court proceeding and I am worried because I feel like they are waiting to see if the court can prove that I am lying or not. If he wins, those charges are signed, sealed and delivered. If I win, he will be unemployed. But they are holding these charges over me. This is another huge concern and stress / anxiety point for me because I feel like I have to prove to the court that I was a victim of DV so that my employer can see that as well. When they speak to me about what happened, they don’t use the term domestic violence because I believe they don’t want to give it a name because then it’s not real. I have been treated very poorly at work because of this.

he was in the area which I live at work and I called the person who was on duty at the time and told him I don’t feel safe. I ended up sleeping elsewhere that weekend. Monday morning I got in trouble for doing this because they didn’t know what I expected them to do about him being there. This shows me that they don’t care about me. Which again, is why this court proceeding is so important to me.

Icecreamlover19 · ‎08-09-2018

...I am in the process of getting out on half days so I can attempt to lower the anxiety that I feel on a daily basis however, I’m concerned once my staff hear about this, they will revoke this. On the 2nd of August I had a doctors note that stated I was unfit for work for 7 days. My staff took that and told me they were not going to give me this time off. They went against medical advice. To cover themselves, they got me psych evaluated on the same day to make sure I wouldn’t do anything silly because if I did, then they would be liable. It was at this point when I lost all faith in my staff and no longer believe they are working with me.
I hate going to work. I come to work every morning and his car is the first one I see. He has not been demoted, moved offices or locations at work. However I had to move, I got isolated from everyone I used to work with, people assume that because I got moved, I did something wrong. There are rumors about me which I have heard he is spreading. No one wants to even say Hi to me anymore. They don’t want to be involved with anything concerning my name. I have been ordered that I am not to speak about the investigation, my “situation” or anything else to anyone. Inside or outside of work. But he can talk to anyone about it. They are shutting me up because they don’t want the truth to get out. 1 of those charges is because I tried to speak up but one of my old “friends” ratted on me. So I try and speak and they punish me. I can’t talk about the court proceeding. Nothing. They want my lips sealed.
I am trying to do as much as I physically can to get myself out of that working environment for my mental health because it’s its harder for my workplace to revoke or reject the more that medical intervenes. I am in the process of getting another job as well but due to the nature of my workplace and the contract I signed, this will be a fight to say the least. If I do get out, it will be on medical terms unfortunately which will impact my future career.
its hard because I lived with him and I know his routine. He has gone through some personal stuff through his life and I know he still struggles with that. I think I pity him. And sometimes I think I dated him out of pity. But then I think, at the same time, he did treat me this way. And I hate myself that I put myself in that situation. I hate that from the outside, he looks like a respectable person. The role he holds has a lot of responsibility and he is good at his job.

Icecreamlover19 · ‎08-09-2018

...He gets praise for it a lot.
And I think that’s another reason why my workplace don’t want to label it DV because he does such a good job and they don’t want a brilliant worker of theirs known as a perpetrator. Watching him in court yesterday while we were waiting, he looked like a fish out of water. There were no uniforms to hide behind, he couldn’t hide behind his position, he didnt have people asking him for help or be able to give direction. He was surrounded by other people who had done something similar.
Am I wrong for wanting him to suffer the consequences? If the court doesn’t grant me the protection order, my workplace will take that as I am in the wrong and I will be in for a world of hurt. And they will just protect him even more. I’m thinking they may promote him because it’s been on the cards for a little while for him. Then where does that leave me? They can punish me however they see fit and give me some bs excuse about why I need to go here or do this and my hands will be totally and utterly tied. I’m still trying to deal with all of this at the same time. The psych through my workplace is very much on my work’s side. He tells me to breathe and gave me a sheet that explains how I’m feeling. That doesn’t help me. When I began seeing him, I told him everything isn’t he thought that he could help me but he just told me why I’m feeling the way I am and to lower my expectations. Keep remembering what I can actually control. It doesn’t help me. I don’t need to be told how I’m feeling, I know how I’m feeling. I’m angry, hurt, exhausted, heart broken, vulnerable, emotionally tired... I now just tell him that I’m good, I’m eating, I sleep etc. I keep it very basic. Meanwhile, I see another psych outside of work and they are supporting me in half days and she is genuinely wants to know how I feel about seeing him every day. She actually wants to help me. Not just tell me to lower my expectations. I try to avoid any support which is linked to my workplace because they tend to support them and not me.
I have reached out to a large number of support networks inside and outside my work and I can count the good ones on 1 hand. The rest, including my staff, have not helped me. They are wanting to charge me.

therising · ‎08-09-2018

Hi Icecreamlover19

Controlling people can be difficult to deal with at the best of times and almost impossible at the worst. It sounds like your ex has intense control issues. When people are like this, it's really about them and everyone else becomes a casualty.

With 'control' defined as 'effective management', the effects of your ex's poor management skills appear to be impacting everyone, especially you. His management strategies are seriously damaging even though, in his mind, they appear to be working. It's good you're looking into a new job, even though there may be some challenges in you leaving the current one. Effectively managing your own life is #1 priority. Finding specific ways of managing the glares he gives you might be worth thinking about, along with thinking up strategies in other areas which require you to take back control. If he is beginning to seriously harass you in a number of ways, I would suggest you begin documenting it in a diary of sorts (including written evidence/video footage) in case you need to refer to it for legal reasons, such as with getting out of your contract or whatever else.

When someone is attempting to suck the life out of us it can be rather energy zapping to say the least. I don't know if it will help but every time you observe your ex trying to zap your energy, imagine some cord connecting the both of you and, BAMM, cut it in some unique way. I imagine, when he finds a new person in his life, he will move onto sucking the life out of them (although hopefully not, for their sake).

With controlling people, the more they feel like they are losing control the more they will try to regain it and this will typically show in their behaviour (such as with you finding a new partner).

Take care of yourself Icecreamlover19

Icecreamlover19 · ‎08-09-2018

Hi therising

I have began documenting little things. I hate that he still has control over me.

Does anyone have any thoughts on an Undertaking and if it’s worked for them? I’m undecided whether I want to take this option. My only worry is, if he breeches it, he will be lucky to get a slap on the wrist for it. I’m not asking for legal advice, I just want to know if people have had success with it or if it just gave them an easy exit.

I feel like he is still sucking the life out of me. How is it that he can go out and have fun yet I’m struggling to get out of bed each day? I hate how much this is consuming me. Is it normal to be angry at him? I try to not let myself think about it but it’s getting harder and harder to find other thoughts that aren’t surrounding him. I wasn’t even with him for that long.

I am genuinely scared for any other female who enters his life because I know he is desperate to marry and settle down but at the same time, he loves his job too much. I hate how much I know about him!

When he found out about my new partner he knew he was losing control of me. That’s when he started the rumours. Gained control again. Because he knew how much I hate people talking about me behind my back. Does karma ever reach these people?

Quercus · ‎09-09-2018

Hi Icecreamlover,

I'm glad to see other members reaching out to you too. I feel pretty inadequate. A lot of the legal stuff you mentioned I know nothing about.

Your workplace sounds utterly toxic! When you wrote about not getting a choice about where you would be transferred, control and being silenced my gut said police force. Someone I love worked for a short time with the police and the best thing he ever did was leave and not look back.

It is disgusting that when you asked for help it was turned on you and these charges and how the staff are treating you is sickening.

The curious thing about people who are controlling and manipulative and violent at home is they are so often the ultimate performer. When I left my ex my phone and the family phone didn't stop. I was at fault. Cruel. Heartless. He was a victim. I was absolutely hated and I hadn't even said a word about why I left. That's what came to mind when you spoke about him spreading rumours about you.

Sometimes I believe we have to examine if walking away is the safer option. It hurts to do this. I felt angry for so long to stay quiet but unless I wanted to give up my studies it was my only option. If I had confronted him or spoken up I would have faced a situation like you are in.

I think you are very brave.

If you can't take medical leave what about your annual leave? Could you take holidays until the charges are decided?

Or even weighing up whether a transfer to an undesirable place is really as bad as remaining in the current situation.

The hardest part is considering what if he isn't held to account. It does happen especially in workplaces like you describe your own.

What is critical is YOU. If you are not getting any support and are isolated at work how is remaining healthy for you? If you did begin to feel at risk of suicide would your workplace put you more at risk?

I'm really worried about you. Is there anyone at your work who is supportive?

Nat

Hope4tomorrow · ‎09-09-2018

Hi Icecreamlover19,

I feel for your position. As hard as it can be to put into practice, it is a fact that I cannot change other people, places or things no matter how much I want to sometimes. I can however have a say in how I deal with what is going on around me; the tools that I've been using lately is to eat a healthy diet which includes lentils, veg, minimal red meat and no white bread (whole grain breads area lot better) fish and a little chicken. I also walk for about an hour 3 times a week. If you were to go for a little walk of about 15 or 30mins before work each day, it will hopefully help you to settle your emotions a bit before you start your working day . It may happen that first day or it may take some days or a couple of weeks. The main thing I want to stress is that especially under times of duress which it what it sounds like that you're under, how you treat your body has a large impact on how you'll run. Alcohol only makes my feelings of helplessness worse in the following days so I don't drink anymore. Chamomile tea is also a massive help. Even two cups a day if I need to help keep my anxiety levels somewhat manageable.

Again, easier said than done but hold your head up when you're at work because you aren't the one who's behaved poorly. What you think about yourself is the only thing that is important. Whatever others think about you is between them and their conscience! (Or their ego). A lot of people run on ego hence always looking for someone to pull down in the belief that doing so lifts them up a bit more. They obviously have a poor self-image of themselves because if they didn't, they would have a problem with treating another in a way that they wouldn't appreciate being treated like. Sadly, people want to fit in and it is common to acieve this by banding together to serve other people's adgenda. You cannot respect anyone else if you're not prepared to respect yourself, so be gentle and nurturing towards yourself and pat yourself on the back. Enjoy this Spring sunshine with some walking, even 15mins before work each day will hopefully help.

My hope is that you can find some acceptance around what you can not change and some courage to change the things that you can, which is mental/psychological health. Exercise does play a big part in maintaining the levels in our brains. Take care of yourself and hold your head up. Act humbly and then no one can gather ammo to use against you. Good luck Icecreamlover19.

Kindest regards, Boots.