Treatment advice? - trigger warning sexual abuse

[Ramm]

I didn’t really know where to put this, but I think this is the right spot. I think it’s best to provide some background information about me to paint the picture. I suffered abuse from my mother from ages 3-9; everything from physical to sexual. This was because a myriad of things. 1: my mother was an alcoholic and a drug addict. 2: she had untreated mental disorders. 3: I displayed lesbian tendencies as a child and she was against that. So, mother forced me to grow my hair, wear feminine clothes, be feminine and date boys (since I was 4). I’ve been living with my dad since I was 9. I’ve had problems with self-harm and suicide tendencies/attempts since I was 7 (I’m safe, don’t worry). I’ve been doing counselling on and off for 10 years and have been dabbling in prescribed medication for about 6 months, though I stopped because they caused me to relapse in self-harming. I was diagnosed with GAD when I was 13, but then was diagnosed with PTSD last year. As a result, I have no idea who I am. I never established a sense of self because my mum forced me to be something that I wasn’t. I don’t know my morals, personality, or my fashion sense. I look in the mirror and feel confused and afraid. I can’t make any decisions and I have no direction in my life. I don’t know how to act or interact with others, so I just stay at home. I don’t have a desire for anything and literally do nothing, as I have no hobbies. I don’t have any friends, so seeking guidance from friends is impossible. I just feel very empty and confused. My counsellor is no help, she acts so patronising and I lie to make it seem like I’m better than what I am. I haven’t told my doctor or my counsellor that I’m off my medication and I feel so trapped. I honestly don’t know what to do. Please help!

[Doolhof]

Hi Ramm,

Welcome to the community on the forum. It certainly does sound like you have had so much to deal with. It is understandable you are confused about who you should be or who you want to be.

I'm no professional at all, but I do think it is advisable to be honest with your Dr and tell him/her about the medication. Sometimes it takes a few tries before the Drs are able to find one that suits you best. The Dr needs to know about the side effects too.

Is it possible for you to see a different counsellor?

Is it possible for you to get out to see other people, to be around people, to watch and observe people? If you are in a town or city you might choose to sit in a café. Look at what other people are wearing and consider if that style might suit you.

Do you feel comfortable enough to go to a clothes shop and look at different fashions even if you don't purchase something?

Would it be possible for you to do some volunteering somewhere? You could look on the local council website and see if there are any positions listed or call the council and ask if they know of any opportunities.

Doing any of these things may be a huge step for you. Sometimes we need to take that step no matter how mixed up and confused we are.

Hopefully you will also be able to find one thing to do each day that interests you and you can slowly expand on that.

These are just the thoughts that have come to my mind while writing to you. You can consider them and ignore them if you choose to. Hope you find some inspiration!

Cheers from Dools

[Croix]

Dear Ramm~

I noticed elsewhere you were considering if you should contact your abuser after a break, about 41/2 years or so, I hope you do not mind if I reply here where I can read more about the circumstances.

It is sadly very obvious the effect your mother has had on you, she sounds a horrible person, and if I was in your position I'd hesitate before reopening contact. By contrast my own case was mild with simply being disinherited and finding there had been great selfishness and no love, nothing like what you have had to go though.

The experiences we have when younger cast a deep long lasting shadow on our lives, and getting over them can take a long time. One is also vulnerable, and a repeat of a past experience can set one back a lot.

May I ask why you were thinking of contact?

I contacted my mother again when she was near the end of her life, hoping that time would have mellowed her and and made her value family more. As she was not in good health I also felt sorry for her.

I was dismayed to fined she had not changed at all and remained the toxic person she had always been. It was a very taxing period to try to maintain contact until she passed away. I'm not sure I'd do it again. The memories it raised I could have done without.

Please feel you can discuss this as much as you would like, thinking about such a venture with perspective and the benefit of other's experiences can only be good.

Croix

.

[eagle72]

hello ramm

im so sorry for your suffering...its horrible...

i hope you learn to smile again..the world is beautiful

[StaticRose51]

Ram wow that is a lot to deal with at the moment and I shall write more in a second.

Just a point though have our tried working thrugh some cbt mmodules they help with self esteem and the like. Plenty are available online and you can study them at your own pace. Also you will find things like nlp useful and that could help with triggering emotions and things like sounds and environments this way you can put emphasis on the exposure therapy.

Also I know it's hard right now but working up to getting your depression under control is the first step. Having positive hobbies like group therapy activies gets your social skills working.