seeking identification with others! Feeling numb, lost and defeated

[Hope4tomorrow]

I didn't exactly have the easiest of upbringings but I have enough life experience to know that I had it better than some. Considering my personality though, it has from the opinion of my nearly sourced clinical psychologist (1st apt) had a profound effect on the first years of life after leaving home at 18. Anxiety, depression, paranoia (distrust of people and their intentions), substance use issues, some homelessness and a sexual assault (minor compared to what it could've been) by a male at the age of 21, was the first 4 years of my life post leaving home. Couldn't hold down work and was constantly leaving jobs and getting new work due to the above first 3 issues raised.

I traveled back home to where I was born at the age of 21 and a year later my brother suicided and it destroyed any semblance of faith that I had in myself, life and others. I've never been the same since. My best friend died 6 years later.

In Nov 2015 and I entered a 12-step fellowship to learn how to live life clean and to attempt to clear up my life confusion and the wreckage of my past. although I was able to really work on myself over 3 yrs through working the steps (I got up to half way through step 10) I found that my faith in it being able to help me to get me to a point of being employable again stopped working for me. I started seeing the fellowship for what it really was, not what I wanted it to be. Anyway, I pulled away.

The 12th anniversary of my brothers death is coming up pretty soon and every year that it comes around, I'm utterly incapable of staying sane through it. It re exposes me to the trauma and body memories of it every year.

I ended up picking up some drugs after being 9.75 months clean due to everything that I was feeling coming up to this anniversary (numbness, fear and self-pity) and my mental health has already taken a dive yet again.

I have a lot of therapy to get through and I just feel like it's too little too late; one appointment a fortnight? I feel completely overwhelmed, and like the services that are ment to be there to help people with the array of issues that someone like me may have, has it's doors closed due to government greed and stigma and I feel helpless.

Any suggestions that may help? Meds never worked. I already walk for an hour a few times a week and eat healthy. I will be stopping the drugs again in a week or less. The longer that I use, the worse that I'm going to feel. I know this from experience.

34 yo male.

[geoff]

Hello Hope4tomorrow, a warm welcome to you and I apologise that your comment hasn't been replied to, unfortunately, this can happen if the forums are busy because threads get pushed over to page 2, then 3 quickly and may get missed, it's not because of what you have said, so I'm sorry.

I am sincerely sorry about your brother's passing and know how you must have felt, and still to this day it affects you so much with all the past memories which make you take a dive into loneliness and possibly with depression.

What you have mentioned in your first paragraph has been such a terrible period for you and add this to what else has happened, it's been a tough time for you.

Can I suggest some other places where you can get a free or low cost help/counselling because this is what you are looking for and certainly we want to help you, so please try these,

-https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/low-cost-or-free-mental-health-services

-Lifeline 131 114

-Kid’s Helpline (up to 25 years old ) 1800 55 1800

-1800Respect 1800 737 732

-Mensline Australia 1300 789 978

-The Salvation Army 1300 363 622

-Sane Australia 1800 187 263

-Quitline 137 848

-Counselling ONLINE (google)

-Anglicare.

You may stop taking your drugs today or tomorrow and that's great, however, if you fall again then you have to try and not use them to get yourself through, I used alcohol many years ago but now only drink socially.

I want to assure you that we are very sorry for what you have been through, no one should ever have to sustain any of this.

Please get back to us when you want to.

Geoff.