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Unsure if I am dating a sufferer of Borderline Personality Disorder - Any advice appreciated!
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Hi All,
I have been in a relationship with someone for about a year now (He is 24 and I am 25). When we first met he was incredibly charming, loving, generous, caring and intense. I was completely infatuated with him and we rushed into things quite quickly.
In the beginning everything seemed wonderful. We wanted to spend as much time as we could together (Despite this probably not being all entirely healthy in itself). However, in due time he opened up to me about his depression and past childhood traumas from family members. He has had a hard childhood. At the start I believed he simply had depression and I encouraged him to seek help and tried to be a support and provide resources for him. He was consistently swinging between agreeing he should get help and wanting to feel better, to telling me nothing would help and he would not try.
As the months went on, I began to see more and more different sides to him. Uncontrollable mood swings in the same day (very high, very low, very angry, excited, bored - you name it), uncontrollable anger over small things, suicide threats, compulsive lying (where he was caught out on a number of occasions), impulsive behaviours, cheating, emotional blackmail when I would try to leave - it goes on and on. I have also quite literally talked him out of suicide on a number of occasions via text and phone for hours on end. He eventually would reach a point where he would tell me he would calm down and consider his options. He consistently reports feelings of 'numbness', not 'knowing who he is', and feeling 'completely empty'.
Fast forward to where we are currently. I recently discovered he had cheated on me and initially he made many stories up to deny the reality of the situation before finally admitting the truth, saying he did it mindlessly and in an 'attempt to feel something'.
I am hurting so much in this relationship. I have been put through a lot of emotional manipulation, guilt, idealisation and then devaluation in the same day, betrayal - it goes on. I really feel lost. Having done my own research on these symptoms I began to wonder if he suffers from BPD.
It is something I raised with him once, asking if he would consider going to therapy or to seek help - which he completely refused.
I am unsure what to do and any advice or guidance would be so greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
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Hi BC,
I’m really sorry about the late reply. Sometimes that accidentally happens, but please don’t think it’s a reflection on you. It really isn’t...I hope you’re still reading along here...
Wow, what an intense roller-coaster of emotions in this relationship. You sound exhausted, heart broken and drained. I imagine probably feeling betrayed too from the cheating. I think the intense ups and downs have clearly taken a huge toll on you...
It’s hard to say whether he has BPD or not as only a professional can diagnose him (and obviously we can’t do that on the forums). Though it is clear he seems be struggling a lot with his impulses and emotions. Much of which has caused you a lot of hurt...
He does sound like he needs professional support, but I’m not sure if he is necessarily ready yet. He seems like he isn’t even entirely sure what he wants...
I think perhaps an important consideration is to ask yourself, how is this relationship affecting your health and how much more you’re prepared to give in this relationship when deciding your next step? By health, I mean both your physical and emotional health.
I understand that you have had good times with him and that he has been through a lot, but the relationship itself seems to be hurting you...just a gentle observation of mine...sorry, I hope you don’t mind me saying that...
Is it okay if I ask how have things been since your first post?
There’s no rush or pressure to reply, but if you’re feeling up to it, it would be lovely to hear how you’re doing.
Kind and caring thoughts,
Pepper
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HI BC
First of all Welcome to the forums.
I think you need to take your focus off him and consider yourself and your physical and mental health. You cannot let him burn you out, by caring for him all the time. There are some helpful resources on Carers Australia.
I agree with Pepper that he does need professional help and support, but nobody can help those who do not want to help themselves, much.
Also it is not for us patients who are just here for each other's support to be a professional or give a diagnosis. As a student I can say that BPD is only one of several possibilities, based on what you've said. But only a doctor, psychiatrist, can give that proper diagnosis.
If you, too, have mental health problems, being in a relationship with someone else with mental health issues is not necessarily a bad thing provided that you both totally understand each others' mental health issues and how that affects each of you. I am married to someone with a personality disorder and it is difficult at times but on the whole, things are good. If anything goes wrong we just remind ourselves that we never chose to be this way, and have to be patient with each other.
I, personally, wouldn't get into a relationship with someone, if they themselves are not prepared to be upfront about their issues and do what is needed to address them where possible. Even moreso if he has cheated on you. But it's your life and your decision.
When people cheat on others it is often a sign of fear of failure or that they cannot cope with something deeper. But for your own sake it can also be a way to find out who your true friends are. I personally doubt that he would cheat on you if he truly loved you and wanted to have a relationship. But that's my opinion.
I encourage you to get professional support and, if necessary call the support line.
Remember, it's important that you need to be able to take care of yourself and your mental and physical issues before you can deal with someone else and their issues as well.
Take care and keep us posted
Irene
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