PTSD and Trauma

Terrified of Belonging, Unable to Enjoy Anything or Feel Happy

replies: 1

Dear Community, I need help. This is my first post. I have lost who I was and is so hard to move forward into who I want to be. I'm barely getting through my days. I feel terrified and blocked to belong here. I came to Australia 2 years ago from Nort... View more

Dear Community, I need help. This is my first post. I have lost who I was and is so hard to move forward into who I want to be. I'm barely getting through my days. I feel terrified and blocked to belong here. I came to Australia 2 years ago from North America, and met the most wonderful partner. I had a physically and emotionally abusive family growing up and quickly learned to be independent. I healed over 15 years by studying meditation and other therapies. I even feel others do that. After I moved in with my partner, everything changed. I remembered something awful about what happened. I remembered a worse trauma than I thought I had experienced, of sexual abuse and my life physically being threatened at age 4. I thought I would die. And more than one caretaker/parent witnessed and didn't protect me. So now I understand why I have rejected belonging. It's so hard to trust my partner. He's very loyal and patient and loving, and intellectually I know I can. After a lifetime, 34 years of rejecting belonging for what I now see as good reason, i'm being blessed with an opportunity to create a new chosen family. And I just can't seem to do it. It's been 9 months of processing this memory. What was first blissful true love now feels like constant fear, terror, panic. The more he loves me, the more my body wants to reject it. I want to trust feeling good in belonging, but all I've ever known is family who betrays you in every way, by almost every single one of them. I literally can't enjoy my favorite things anymore, dancing, feeling others, being with my partner. Its really disheartening. I'm afraid this will go on forever. I've been working with mindfulness, affirmations, writing. I've worked with 3 therapists since I remembered spending 5k in 6 mos. It's too much. And not enough progress. accepting the pace is terrifying. I'm 36 and I want kids too. I just can't see putting a child through this and I can't see an end to the heaviness. the hardest bit it remembering who I was when we first met just a couple years ago, so happy, so vivacious, so fun. I'm missing enjoying these moments with my love, they are passing me by. I'm losing time. I feel powerless. It's awful. It's like I'm wasting all of this because I can only feel and think negatively about it, and attack it and him sometimes! It's so painful. Do you have any ideas of what can help? Thank you in advance* Love, ♥

Not sure if some form of ptsd or dissociation

replies: 1

Hi all, I’m a 20 year old girl who’s had a history of depression and at one point , hospitalised for anorexia nervous but fully recovered and thrived afterwards , I’ve always somewhat been over stimulated mentally, witty, constantly finding new hobbi... View more

Hi all, I’m a 20 year old girl who’s had a history of depression and at one point , hospitalised for anorexia nervous but fully recovered and thrived afterwards , I’ve always somewhat been over stimulated mentally, witty, constantly finding new hobbies and having new ideas overwhelm me, But about 12 months ago, I went out in town, I took an unknown drug ( told it was ecstacy) my friend took the same one and was totally fine , I myself was fine on the night , until I woke up in the morning and as the weeks went by I started losing my inner monologue , sense of time, feeling extremely uncomfortable around people I know and wa shaving major breakdowns at random times during the day, I’m not the same person I was 12 months ago, I feel as if I have NO inner monologue ( I could stare at a wall for 5 hours and have no coherent idea or thought ) and i have no emotional connection to what little I have to say, towards anyone or anything , I’m seriously stuck on how to explain this as it feels way too complex or foreign to anyone , I feel like I’m faking everything but at the same time , don’t even know who I am anymore , whatever happened seriously shook me up and It’s effecting my personal , and social life dramatically , no anti depressant works as it makes the brain fog 10x worse along with the lack of emotion/thinking , any help would be so , so appreciated ! Thankyou

Growing up in poverty

replies: 2

Hello, I am an American (living with Australian partner) who grew up in poverty. There were times in my childhood and young adulthood where I was denied food, education, heating in the winter, and healthcare when desperately ill, injured, or mentally... View more

Hello, I am an American (living with Australian partner) who grew up in poverty. There were times in my childhood and young adulthood where I was denied food, education, heating in the winter, and healthcare when desperately ill, injured, or mentally ill. This is the norm in America unfortunately. I feel out of place in Australia. I feel panicky about money. I rarely feel secure, and it's always temporary. I'm constantly meeting people that take their affordable college education, inherited home, Medicare, and safety nets for granted. It messes with my head and leaves me feeling isolated. On top of this I am homesick but also petrified at the thought of returning to miserable wages ($7.25 an hour), no healthcare, unaffordable college. I currently live in one of the wealthiest places in Australia (unintentionally-place my partner could find work). My anxiety and depression has increased. We worked our butts off this year to build savings but I feel like I have a form of PTSD. I'm always scared, obsessed, and anxious about money. I've seen doctors and a psychologist and I feel they don't understand where I'm coming from. You can tell people something, but if they can't imagine having to live it, they're not going to get it. Has anyone else who grew up in poverty or scarcity found it difficult to relate to other people? Or isolating?

Please Help Me

replies: 2

Hello, Ummm, to be truly honest I don’t know how to start this.... I guess it all started when I was 4/5, when my father met my step mother, it all went bad from there.... My mum and father went to court for custody of me, my mum won, but the stupid ... View more

Hello, Ummm, to be truly honest I don’t know how to start this.... I guess it all started when I was 4/5, when my father met my step mother, it all went bad from there.... My mum and father went to court for custody of me, my mum won, but the stupid courts made me go to my fathers every second weekend and every half of the school holidays.... my step mother had other children, from a past relationship, and once her and my father got together she was pregnant.... I’m not going to go into full detail, with what happened, but all I’m saying is that I was mentally and physically abused by my step mother, father, step siblings and half siblings.... my poor mum had to sometimes drag me to drop offs, I would always cry, I could tell it killed her, she always had to calm me down, cause I would be in big trouble if my father caught me crying.... when I turned 16, I thought to myself, I don’t need to see my father, I’m old enough to make my own decisions.... and I’m sure we can all guess how that turned out..... Yup, not good, my father, step mother and that side of the family turned up the mental abuse to 1000%, which made me break down a few times in year 12, which I couldn’t go to any of my classes.... That’s some of my past, I’m so glad my mum met my step dad, he’s been more of a dad to me, I even changed my last name to his, for Father’s Day last year. I’ve been feeling really bad these last couple of months, but the last few weeks it’s been getting worse. I’ve been cancelling appointments so I don’t have to leave the house, but then I feel so lonely.... I know I have family and friends that are there for me, but I’ve never felt this bad, like I’m so alone and that no one really cares.... I was actually feeling okay for a while, until the guy I was seeing, started messaging me bluntly and when we made plans, he didn’t turn up or message me, I told him how I was feeling and I got nothing in response, he just shrugged it off like I didn’t matter, it made me feel like I didn’t, I just wish he at least could of apologised. I feel silly, because I’m complaining about my petty problems, and I know that people have it much worse than I do. It’s kinda funny, even when I’m so down that no one can drag me back out, I’m still helping others.... I just wish that the smile I have, wasn’t always fake, I wish I actually felt what my face was portraying.... I feel like I’m letting everyone down, for feeling like this, I just don’t know what to do anymore.... Please Help Me

PTSD after sexual assault

replies: 3

I don’t really remember much of the details anymore. I was sexually assaulted by my step father. It took me awhile to come out and tell people but when I finally had told my mother she told me I was wrong and that I was imagining things. She also tol... View more

I don’t really remember much of the details anymore. I was sexually assaulted by my step father. It took me awhile to come out and tell people but when I finally had told my mother she told me I was wrong and that I was imagining things. She also told me not to tell anyone. And I didn’t for a long time. But when I thought that he was going to jail, I told my father. I was terrified. Anyway the point is that this experience has made me terrified for any kind of new relationships. I’m not really comfortable around males only my father and brothers. Because of this I cant sleep very well, I don’t do well with any forms of communication with people except family and friends that I knew before it happened. People can barely be around me because I can get upset and angry for no reason. Sometimes I just blast music through my earphones and ignore everyone because I just deal with people and the voices that tell me it’s my fault. The only people who believed me was my father and my two best friends. I don’t know what to do. Any where and everywhere I walk I am haunted my his memory, I just can’t get it out of my head. I honestly think that there is something wrong with me. I haven’t spoken to my mother in over year because she would rather me with him than her own daughter. I think everything is my fault because if I didn’t tell anyone I would still have my mother, baby brother and sister with me.

PTSD and dissociation

replies: 2

Hi I have PTSD. Mostly it’s controlled and I have developed techniques along the way thanks to my psychologist and go to help when reliving traumatic episodes. However, I find that I can talk sometimes to people about the trauma without any emotion a... View more

Hi I have PTSD. Mostly it’s controlled and I have developed techniques along the way thanks to my psychologist and go to help when reliving traumatic episodes. However, I find that I can talk sometimes to people about the trauma without any emotion at all. It is like I am talking about someone else and I can completely dissociate any emotion. It’s when I’m in control of the dialog and the when and where it comes up. People have often commented that I’m so calm and measured. I find it’s in complete contrast to the traumatic stress I can endure at night, or when I’m by myself. When I do have a flash back even though I know they happen at night and certain things will trigger it I’m surprised by how much fear and anxiety I experience over it and it takes days for me to recover yet during the day it’s almost (particularly at work) as if I’m a different person. I’m strong and in control. Can the two co exist? Is it something I have learnt to do to cope?

22/f child sex abuse survivor - ptsd ruining my relationship with SO kids

replies: 5

I recently started counselling for the sexual abuse I endured at the hands of my father until I was 7. I am currently in the worst mental state I have ever been in. I have a partner with 2 daughters aged 4 and 6 who I love to bits but I cannot bring ... View more

I recently started counselling for the sexual abuse I endured at the hands of my father until I was 7. I am currently in the worst mental state I have ever been in. I have a partner with 2 daughters aged 4 and 6 who I love to bits but I cannot bring myself to be around them while their dad interacts with them. I have multiple panic attacks daily due to forcing myself to re-live the past after my father denied everything again recently - because I finally told his brother about what he had done. I have since blocked him out of my life (again) as I suffered a complete mental breakdown when this happened. The situation with my partner and his girls has gotten worse since then, I know that nothing is going on as I watch them like a hawk but my anxiety is through the roof as soon as it is our turn to have them. I have a panic attack when he gives them a bath, dresses them, reads them a story in bed, if they sit on his knee or he cuddles them on the couch. I physically cannot be around them together without having a meltdown anymore. I hate this whole situation - I hate that I'm making him feel weird about being a dad, I hate the thought of him putting distance between himself and his girls because of my unwarranted fears. I hate that it makes me snappy and feel sick every time he gives them a hug. We have been together for 2 years and I love him with every fibre of my being and I love his girls too, I just don't know howto shake this horrible horrible feeling that is ingrained into my bones. Dread. I didn't foresee this reaction, up until 5 months ago I was fine. Not great but ok. Now I hate myself more than ever because I'm letting him down. I don't know how much longer I can fall before I hit the bottom of this pit but it is killing me already.

Does PTSD, Depression lower intelligence?

replies: 11

My now former husband was a businessman. I've seen him negotiating 4 deals simultaneously and he had an encyclopedic knowledge of the world and history. But today I wouldn't trust him to address an envelope - he's just as likely to write his own addr... View more

My now former husband was a businessman. I've seen him negotiating 4 deals simultaneously and he had an encyclopedic knowledge of the world and history. But today I wouldn't trust him to address an envelope - he's just as likely to write his own address instead. He can't organise himself to make and attend a medical appointment, he can't follow conversations and has no common sense. His ability to drive is impaired - he misjudges gaps and his steering is exaggerated. This week I asked him to measure a table with a tape measure and he couldn't do it. His psychiatrist referred to a 'dramatic decline in function' which I understand could come from being overwhelmed and drugged up. But I am 100% sure this is permanent - it's like a brain injury. Can anyone explain this to me?

Again feeling lost

replies: 6

ok been with 'beyond blue' a fair while now have put in posts and advice to others but now again I am feeling lost. My husband Barry passed away yesterday due to complications resulting from a infection, he was in hospital and turned off his dialysis... View more

ok been with 'beyond blue' a fair while now have put in posts and advice to others but now again I am feeling lost. My husband Barry passed away yesterday due to complications resulting from a infection, he was in hospital and turned off his dialysis machine yesterday at 3pm. Last night and this morning been doing a lot crying this arvo just tired and fuzzy headed, talking to ppl who are sent their condolences over his death, Bazz spirit is here at home with John and myself now and is still strong in our lives, we are still to arrange funeral as the death cert has not been released, I am putting a brave front up, and both John and me are grieving quietly for Barry, barry died without regaining fully conscious he opened 1 eye occasionally and we both believe to tell us goodbye and to let him go with peace and dignity that he deserved so I did that.

Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

replies: 85

I have just had (as close as I can explain it) a feeling of being "triggered" just 2 weeks ago. I had a therapist that "saw through me" and brought up feelings and issues that I had long buried and suppressed, she encouraged me to explore through jou... View more

I have just had (as close as I can explain it) a feeling of being "triggered" just 2 weeks ago. I had a therapist that "saw through me" and brought up feelings and issues that I had long buried and suppressed, she encouraged me to explore through journal writing. Unfortunately things did not progress so well and I have been feeling like 'a cat on a hot tin roof'. I have made contact with Blue Knot (not sure if I can mention them here or not) but they helped me realise that I had been "hyper aroused" or similar and I needed to put all the things back into the box and just bring them out gradually and that it was much more important to feel safe.... I TOTALLY AGREE. Problem is that, on the outside, I appear to be doing okay, but on the inside I am feeling terribly anxious and needy. I have met with a great CALM clinical psychologist but when my session ends I feel okay but by the next hour/day I feel alone and unsure of what to "do" to deal with the feelings of unsettling in my stomach. I am trying not to "stalk" my psychologist with emails and she tells me "we'll deal with them next session". I realise now I had not set up safety strategies to protect myself (which is pretty understandable considering I had never dealt with these things before). I have this sense of urgency to kind of talk about it or help me soothe... It's like I need to talk but I can't talk to any of my friends or family because they don't understand. I have had all the feelings or abandonement, disgust, shame, hurt, anger, internalised pain, regret, insecurities, flashbacks, panic attacks, self hate, etc. and all so fast and furious... I'm really not surprised that people resort to drugs, risky behaviour and 'other' actions to stop the "feelings". I'm okay but I would love some tips on how to deal with this "sense of urgency" and "fear of abandonement" while inbetween weekly psychologist visits. I've tried mindfulness, deep breathing, mood apps, being aware of the senses, journal writing, earthing meditation (I've even tried to inflict pain, it's not recommended). Problem is the feelings just keep interfering and I struggle not to obsess over "thinking"... The only real kind of thing that works is to read and research 'everything' and eventually I'm exhausted and fall asleep... Some of those psych talks are quite dry after 1 hour (smiley face). Love to hear from those who may survived something similar because I don't feel like a survivor... looking for hope.....

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Terrified of Belonging, Unable to Enjoy Anything or Feel Happy

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