Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

[Idkme]

I have just had (as close as I can explain it) a feeling of being "triggered" just 2 weeks ago. I had a therapist that "saw through me" and brought up feelings and issues that I had long buried and suppressed, she encouraged me to explore through journal writing. Unfortunately things did not progress so well and I have been feeling like 'a cat on a hot tin roof'. I have made contact with Blue Knot (not sure if I can mention them here or not) but they helped me realise that I had been "hyper aroused" or similar and I needed to put all the things back into the box and just bring them out gradually and that it was much more important to feel safe.... I TOTALLY AGREE.

Problem is that, on the outside, I appear to be doing okay, but on the inside I am feeling terribly anxious and needy. I have met with a great CALM clinical psychologist but when my session ends I feel okay but by the next hour/day I feel alone and unsure of what to "do" to deal with the feelings of unsettling in my stomach. I am trying not to "stalk" my psychologist with emails and she tells me "we'll deal with them next session". I realise now I had not set up safety strategies to protect myself (which is pretty understandable considering I had never dealt with these things before). I have this sense of urgency to kind of talk about it or help me soothe... It's like I need to talk but I can't talk to any of my friends or family because they don't understand. I have had all the feelings or abandonement, disgust, shame, hurt, anger, internalised pain, regret, insecurities, flashbacks, panic attacks, self hate, etc. and all so fast and furious... I'm really not surprised that people resort to drugs, risky behaviour and 'other' actions to stop the "feelings".

I'm okay but I would love some tips on how to deal with this "sense of urgency" and "fear of abandonement" while inbetween weekly psychologist visits. I've tried mindfulness, deep breathing, mood apps, being aware of the senses, journal writing, earthing meditation (I've even tried to inflict pain, it's not recommended). Problem is the feelings just keep interfering and I struggle not to obsess over "thinking"... The only real kind of thing that works is to read and research 'everything' and eventually I'm exhausted and fall asleep... Some of those psych talks are quite dry after 1 hour (smiley face).

Love to hear from those who may survived something similar because I don't feel like a survivor... looking for hope.....

[StaticRose51]

interesting post I shall write tomorrow hun shit of a day at work tomorrow litterally people have shits and don't do anything except eat. Annoying xx

[Idkme]

How amazing this journey has been....

I started this thread nearly 4 months ago and it feels like literally a lifetime ago....

when people told me to “slow down” and “give it time”, I had no clue what to do to slow down.... I had an absolute insatiable thirst to ‘know’ and yet the more I learned the more questions I had.... it was completely burning me up from inside out, quite literally.

I feel a lot more settled now, I have more coping skills and a hell of a lot more awareness but I still have soooo many questions.... like ‘will this worry subside?’, ‘can I function more productively?’, ‘am I doing the right thing’?, ‘why can’t I just let the past stay in the past’?, ‘why is it such an issue after so many years?’, etc.

Its time consuming being on this site, but it’s also rewarding to hold the virtual hands of others who walk along side me. Reading your stories and hearing your struggles adds some depth and perspective to my problems.... it doesn’t add or take away from my personal storyline but just adds shades of colour...

Writing here is great too.... it’s been enjoyable to process my thoughts into written words, it gives me some clarity and vision that I may not have experienced if I had of kept it to my personal journal writing. It’s also very comforting to know others have felt similar ways, or experienced similar experiences.

Ive gone from feeling like damaged goods with no use other then to be ‘disposed’, to at least being placed in the ‘recycle’ bin now with a possibility of value adding to myself and others.

Where to now?

[Idkme]

Hmmmmm interesting....

i just realised that I have a changed mindset... I don’t want anyone else to fix me.... I want to fix myself.... there is no power in having someone rescue you unless it’s in the hope of you rescuing yourself.

I’ve always (and still am) been in pursuit of answers... I want to fix this... whatever it is, but I’ve realised that it is the information and knowledge that gives me the power to do it... i can do this for me.

Its not like I won’t need help (I’m all for people to help me), but I want to be enabled and resourced so I can do this for me.... it feels so much more liberating.

I know a few of you are probably going... er der, of course you have to do it yourself, but I’ve been fighting against it so hard because I want others to fix me, to ‘give’ me the answers. It’s been so hard to accept that I have the answers inside me.... it’s the control that I struggle to let go of and just trust the journey...

i just have to be me.... that’s all, just me.... and now I’m just helping myself be me....

Im still a long way off but it’s also a long way from where I was.... I can sit still with myself now and not have that ‘urgency’ feeling.... it’s nice to just sit and not overthink.

I’m certain things will slip and slide a bit but it’s all a process.... it’s been an interesting journey.... and I’m still here.....

big hugs offered if you feel comfortable to accept.! You are not alone, nor am I.

[JamW]

Hi all...

Complex trauma has been my constant companion for over 40 years now and it doesn’t look like it’s leaving any time soon.

Im 51 and still have night terrors and other related anxiety driven symptoms..

I’ve spent my entire adult life being so independent not wanting any help at all - then needing help, only to be let down.

family have ostracised me now for over a decade without reason. (At least I’m not privy to it).

I was sexually abused by my father from around the age of 7 to 12 and the emotional pain I thought I had dealt with long ago has returned in full force. about two years ago, my son disclosed he had been sexually abused whilst attending school camps... this has just finished me off... I worked so hard to protect my children, they understood what had happened to me and the devastation abuse can cause.

My son blames me for sending him to that school and I don’t blame him..

not only have I lost my birth family, now I’ve lost two of my children who have decided that I was a terrible mother and I’ve been heartbroken since..

I feel so utterly alone in this world and I feel I’m so broken that I’m just thinking it’s not worth the effort. My husband seems to have given up on me also and that just compounds my emotional pain. If I prick my finger, any slightest physical pain taps into my endless emotional reservoir of pain.. nobody or no amount of meds can get me outta this pit..

becuase of the abuse that was disclosed when I was about 19.. it was like a nuclear warhead had hit my family unit. My family ended that day and I’ve felt nothing but lose ever since. The disappointment I feel throughout my life is beyond measure.

when will the PTSD ever end?

[Idkme]

Hi JamW,

im so very sorry to hear you feel that way. The feeling can be very isolating and lonely. However you have some friends here who are willing to hear your story and help you along the way.

Sonetimes people don’t know the right way to act, or we send them mixed messages and they respond in a way that really wasn’t what we intended. That doesn’t mean we are a bad person, it just means you may need some help with communicating.

Life is full of choices, some we make for the worse, others are made for us, but we still have a choice how to respond to them. Your family has a choice, if they want to blame and point fingers, then they should be pointing them at their perpetrators not the ones who love them and only had their best intentions at heart. But telling them this will not help them. They need to work this out for themselves. No amount of convincing will change their mind unless they want to listen.... just be ready and open for when they do.

So to be ready means you have to re-find yourself, kind of like redefining yourself and finding some inner strength. I’d say, based on your comments above, that you will need help to do this, so please reach out until you find someone who is willing to help you rebuild. My psychologist has been a huge help to me, i often feel it’s pointless, or she doesn’t really understand me, or she’s only doing it for the money, but I realise now that this is just my self sabotaging thinking trying to through me off my task/goal.

I have a focus now.... I want to be more balanced, enlightened, earthed, harmonious in living. To do this I have to know me better. I have to find ways to like me, to believe in me.... I’m trying, I fail, I try again.

Does that make sense?

[Idkme]

Hello again,

it’s been a LONG time since I last came on here, but for the sake of thread I’m back to update...

so im continuing therapy with my clinical psychologist and I’m also having EMDR therapy. Lots of revelations and heaps more clarity. If anyone is considering either treatment then I highly recommend you do. My clinical psychologist is trauma informed and so knows how to handle herself without doing more damage. She has healthy boundaries and keeps her word. My EMDR therapist has been speeding up the process of working through the trauma and addressing the self beliefs that have got mixed up that just aren’t true. EMDR is not for the weak hearted, it’s intense and confronting. But it’s defini revealing and speeds things along.

Mad far as my life... I have lots of bad days but so many more good days... I can look at life with my eyes wide open and take deep breathes of air without it hurting.

So that’s my update... I hope you are discovering new ways to live life.