Coming to terms with my life

[highlysensitivepersonhsp]

Recently, I had my 54th birthday. I realise that I have reached middle age. It is a far cry from where I had hoped to be by now. It got me thinking, what went wrong with my life?

Where do I begin? My sense of self and my ability to concentrate were damaged through child abuse in my youth. I was only an average student at school. My parenting and my education did not prepare me for what I would encounter in the world. I was naive about people and the effects the system can have on you.

But I took responsibility for myself and started to work on my mind and my future. After a low level career as a public servant I realised that I wanted to become a psychologist so I enrolled in a course at uni. It proved to be my undoing.

While studying I fell victim to intense and intrusive harassment. I was assaulted psychologically. The effects were disastrous. I was unable to continue my studies and was forced from my home. The perpetrators of my demise are still a part of my life. They are authority figures who intimidate me into believing that there is something inherently wrong with me.

They imply that they are not trying to harm me, but their treatment has caused me nothing but harm. Every facet of my life has been adversely affected by them. I am now a disabled pensioner without a soul in the world.

As I see it, the situation is helpless. They are my enemy, not my ally. I don't want their treatment. I don't want to be their guinea pig. I feel helpless, powerless, and worthless. I do not have what it takes to do battle with them. Meanwhile I continue to suffer while doing what I can to help myself cope.

Many of us are victims of a vastly inadequate system. We never reach our potential or have a life that is worthwhile. I will continue to be desperate and lonely. Praying for mercy. For an end to the suffering before my old age.

Mine has been a wasted life. Serving no purpose. A loser in a game I cannot win. The perpetrators delude themselves that they are right. I know who is inherently wrong. The truth will die with me one day in the not so distant future. My life has been an injustice, from beginning to end.

Sandra

[highlysensitivepersonhsp]

I have been up all night thinking about my thoughts expressed here. If I am to be happy then I need to change my thinking. The doctors are the perpetrators but they also are the key to a healthy me. They recognise my intelligence. They know I am smart. They have been trying to tell me for years that I have been wrong about them. That I ascribe fear and harm to their motives. Last night I asked myself, how can I think about this differently? How can I change my thinking?

The answer is to be more positive in my attributions of motive. To ascribe to them thoughts of loving kindness. No fear. No harm. The tests they set for me are a challenge to my best self. To learn to stand up and fight when necessary. To fight for what I deserve.

But most of all, the lesson is in how to regain trust. Long ago they made the decision that I leave uni and work on myself full time. Now I must trust that my future is in their hands. But that trust extends towards myself as well. Not being passive about it but taking an active part in my future. I hope to work with them on a way forward.

I think that I have now earned the title of amateur psychologist. I feel safe in the knowledge that they believe in me and my ability to heal and be healthy.

Sandra.

[Starwolf]

Hi Sandra, good to meet again.

I agree that trust is hard to regain when it was repeatedly broken at a young age. This difficulty goes with the childhood abuse territory. It is something I too have been up against in the past. So I have some idea of where you're coming from and understand how distressful it is.

It is true that therapy is as good as the professionals who apply it and that it may not be for everybody. True also that it often feels worse before it gets better. I have compared it with surgery without anesthesia. Probing the depths of the mind is akin to throwing a rock in stagnant water...it does churn up the mud at the bottom and sends shock waves to the surface. Stirring up painful memories hurts, so we often blame whoever appears to be inflicting the pain. But surgery is necessary to eradicate the toxic cause of suffering.To stop it infesting every area of life.

Things eventually settle down but it takes a lot of hard, persistent work for a traumatic past to be put to rest. Abuse does a lot of damage and leaves deep scars. It can easily destroy our inner core, our sense of self. The belief that we are worthless becomes deeply implanted in a young mind. As children, we are defenseless, totally dependent on adults around us, figures of authority whose judgment prevails.

As adults, we must learn to love and comfort the wounded inner child. We can reclaim the previously denied freedom to make up our own mind. The task of looking after ourselves is now our responsibility. But we must know (not only intellectually) that we deserve this TLC. It means shifting the blame where it belongs, to those who abused us due to their own unresolved issues when we were in a vulnerable position.

A good psy can guide us through the labyrinth of the wounded mind. S/he's not there to inflict pain but to work with us as a team to eradicate its cause.

As for the system, it is what it is. Far from ideal. It cannot be changed but as individuals, we can affect our own tiny sphere of influence. Do what we CAN without being swayed by results. Then our lives acquire meaning.

[Just Sara]

Hi Sandra;

Your story sounds intriguing but it lacks specifics of your trials if it's ok to say this. You refer to words like; 'system' and 'them' as if you've come from an environment of workplace bullying? Then comment on doctors who I'm assuming are part of your treatment team or maybe your workplace.

I'm a bit confused. I'm sorry if I've misinterpreted your words, but it'd be good if you could elaborate a bit more to help me understand where you're at, and where you've come from in a bit more detail.

This site is non-judgemental and anonymous. You don't have to give names or places, but maybe explain what harassment or behaviour from others specifically means.

I'd like to engage with you about what's happening to assist with your recovery and try to give some hope to what might seem a bit of a hopeless situation.

I'm 57 and medically retired from my career due to bullying in my workplace for 7 yrs. I'm hoping I can be of assistance in some way.

So please write back hun, it'd be nice to chat at the least.

Warm thoughts;

Sara

[highlysensitivepersonhsp]

Greetings Starwolf and Sara. Thank you for your thoughtful replies to my posts. It sounds like both of you have been through life altering abuse. My deepest compassion for your suffering. I am interested in how you dealt with it, mentally, socially, in any way that helped you to recover. I am eager to learn.

I am a patient in a treatment plan that involves acting out abuse by authority figures...mental health professionals, medical service providers, and others. I know it is an act, but the wanting it to stop made me very sick. My anger did not stop them. My sickness did not stop them. My suffering did not stop them. Even though it seemed life or death to me.

Now I am going to try capitulation and give in to them. I am going to ascribe to them motives of loving kindness, even if their methods largely fall flat. The truth is I am spiritual and healing. I have studied my mind and my recovery. I learn through my own methods. I am conceptual and learn from books what is true and what is false for me.

As well as ascribing positive motives to them I have trained myself not to react to their behaviours. At first my nervous system could not handle it, but now I am used to it and am learning not to feel threatened or fearful. Even though they seem a long way away from being helpful.

And finally there was the matter of my ego, where I felt offended that they did not trust me to do it on my own. My self efficacy was offended. My sense of personal competence was offended. Now I know that they provide opportunities for me to learn, whether I am ready or not. They ambush me sometimes like guerrilla warfare. I let down my guard to relax but that is foolish. They want me to be hyper vigilant and always on guard. This is bad for my health. I resent that.

The key is to take from it what I can. A utilitarian attitude. They don't want two way communication. There methods are to use one way communication, and often indirect comms. This is what I don't understand. They don't seem interested in what I have to say. That negatively affects my self esteem. I have to absorb their behaviour, the consequences to my life and suffer in silence.

It is a supreme test of intelligence, character, and resourcefulness. I feel up to the challenge, but I want to do more with my life I have left.

Am I making sense? Feel free to ask questions.

Sandra.

[Just Sara]

Hi again Sandra!

Great to see you back on the forum. It sounds as though you're in supported accommodation? Can't quite work out the details. A treatment plan on a ward?

Sorry if I seem ignorant, but you use a lot of expressive words; you write like a pro! 🙂

By the way, thankyou so much for your beautiful words of support; how very nice of you. Yes I've worked tirelessly at my recovery, living alone and managing to overcome anxiety, depression and some psychosis early on in 3 yrs.

It's a credit to this forum, its members, great medication plan, wonderful support staff in my community and a 10 day stint in a psych ward...best decision of my life!

I don't know if I can teach you that stuff, but you're welcome to look thru the site and its threads; info on here is priceless and so are the people.

How about telling us something personal about yourself? Fave things to do or see, and if you have friends or family in your life. Do you have a green thumb or like painting etc?

I'm hoping you'll settle into writing on here to feel a sense of peaceful respite from daily concerns with your support staff, and tormenting yourself with worry. We all need a break from our brains yeah?

Anyway, I'm heading off in a few days for a holiday, but will be dropping in for a look-see now and then on BB. Lovely to catch up Sandra...

Take care hun...

Sara

[highlysensitivepersonhsp]

Thanks for your efforts, Sara. I hope you enjoy your holiday. You sound perky. Very upbeat. Glad to hear you get so much out of the forum and your treatment for mental health.

Me, I am just now starting to turn it around. I have started the mindspot course on cbt and it has transformed my thinking and my mood.

I am a patient at a clinic in the mental health system, but the staff play the part of the bad guy. They are not helpful at all. Contrast that with the good guys at mindspot who are angels sent from heaven.

Philosophically, I now see the extreme importance of goodness and its contrast to badness. Psychologically, I now don't take the badness personally as an attack, but rather an opportunity to do good and remedy the situation where I can. This has helped me grow in terms of self and my maturity.

My interests are in understanding the world and what to do about it. I try and understand the effects on people via the system of values we have developed over the eons. I have come to value the heroic leader who selflessly gives her all to make the world a safer, better, and happier place. I have played that part in my own way. It sounds like you are doing your bit too Sara.

Take care and I hope to hear from you some time in the future.

Sandra

[Just Sara]

Hi Sandra;

A quick reply today; thanks for your kind words.

The reason I asked about your fave things to do, is because physical activity saved my life and sanity. Being in your head thinking about philosophical issues, promotes negative pathways in your brain and makes it tired.

Getting into your body reconnects you to the earth and challenges habits of avoiding life. If you have trauma in your past and leave your body so to speak, being grounded helps to keep you engaged in positive ways; especially with communication.

The whole point of challenging yourself is to grow with insight about your own behaviour that may cause conflict with others, and calm your mind for a peaceful existence. Memory, making decisions and problem solving becomes easier.

For me, I began listening without talking too much. It was hard to begin with, but I found listening gave me more insight into others and taught me about self control. I'm not afraid to be alone anymore and can walk away from conflict without guilt, anger or remorse.

Hope you have a great day hun...

Sara x

[highlysensitivepersonhsp]

What a lovely post. You have worked so hard on your recovery. You are a success. You have deep deep insights into yourself and others as well as incredible intelligence on how to live in a way that is good for you.

Despite my reference to philosophy, you and I are quite similar. We have both developed an understanding of our past and have learned to live in the present, through being grounded. In doing this we have secured our future by having figured things out, especially ourselves.

Where we are different is that I am a little more in my head than you are in yours. Hey, let's do what works for each of us. I hear your advice and can say I have followed a similar path. I am now reading more on communication skills and that works for me. But like you, I learn from experience, reflection and insight. It's just that I turn to books for a little guidance. Without them, I would be totally alone.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Much love,

Sandra xox

[Just Sara]

Just online having a peek-a-boo and saw your post. You seem to have a skip in your step; am I right?

Would it be fair to say there's someone in your world now (me?) who gets you? That's what helped me bring things together; being on here with like minded souls and fellow travellers on the one-step-at-a-time path to recovery.

Speaking of books, I had a library of self help one's which in total probably cost me thousands of dollars. I can't even pick one up now; it screwed with my head in the end. I'm glad they work for you though. 🙂

Trying to 'fix' myself became an obsession, so little time/effort was spent on 'real' life/things/people. Even though my breakdown was 3 yrs ago, my MH issues began in '93 when I caught my best friends' husband sexually abusing my son; he was 2. It triggered my own abuse at 11 by my dad, being raped by the love of my life and many sexualised and abusive trauma's. (That I thought were normal...sigh)

Argh! Sorry...don't know why I wrote all that. Anyhoo...2 sleeps till I go on holiday. So looking forward to the ocean. 😄 Sigh...the truth is, I'm challenged by having positive experiences sometimes. There's an inkling of risk associated with waiting for the bubble to burst. I'm thinking my past cropped up to remind me. (PTSD) Do you understand that?

Your clinic must be doing something right; you seem well adjusted today, calmer. Maybe it's that beautiful intelligence of yours. 🙂 I must admit, I do enjoy your writing style hun.

Hmm...feeling the pinch. I should go. Thankyou for listening.

Take care my sweet...

Sara xo