Family hurts, but I want it so bad

[summerdays]

Hi everyone,

I am having a bit of a rough time.

I've come to realise that I have C-PTSD and I am learning about how this has happened, and why.

My attachment with my Mum was screwed. She no doubt had CPTSD when I was growing up due to my dad being violent, and then his suicide when I was 8.

We still do not have a good relationship and it hurts. I know she wants it, and I want it, but we are both too damaged to let each other into our hearts.

One of my brothers died by suicide many years ago, and my remaining brother and I are/were/try to be very close.

To cut a long story short, my Mum and brother are triggers for me and I do not enjoy their company. I really really want to, and I love them very much but I am on edge and scared and I can see their pain behind their masks and it cuts me so deep.

We are planning on catching up for Xmas and a significant birthday and as much as I want to see them, I don't want to.

I feel so sad because I live close to my partners family and they are a close and lovely family but I just feel like such an outsider. I so deeply want a connection with my family and yet I can't see it happening.

I am opening up the past because it is controlling me and I need to deal with what happened throughout my childhood (The brother who died was violent and we lived in constant fear). I fear that my Mum and brother will not be supportive or ready to face what has happened and so I feel like I am on my own with this.

I am a mother of 2 now, and my C-PTS is going to be passed onto my children, so I need and want to heal and recover. I know it is possible but I feel so alone. And sad. I don't know which treatment will be best for me. I am interested in body based stuff, and art but I feel like I am facing a big mountain trek and I am scared.

Thanks for listening

[Guest_9809]

Hi Summerdays, and welcome back to the Forums. It looks as though the last time you were here was a couple of months back.

For anyone wanting to get the background, see Summerday's original thread here:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/parenting-amp-trauma-triggers

I think last we heard from you, you were booked into a Workshop with Blue Knot. Has that been held yet, and if so how was it? I would be interested to hear about it. Back in May you were also seeing a psych and an alternative healer of some sort. How are those sessions going for you? Has your psych officially diagnosed you with C-PSTD now? You say you are opening up the past in order to deal with what happened throughout your childhood, which makes me ask: Are you already having some targetted therapy with your psych in this regard? Have you discussed treatment options with your psych? Sorry for all the questions, but I am just trying to catch up with where you are at since we last heard from you.

Treatment options for C-PTSD are generally the same as for PTSD although there may be more of an emphasis on addressing interpersonal difficulties often experienced by C-PTSD sufferers. The aim of any therapy is to try to put power and control back into the hands of the traumatized person. You will be empowered by relationships which create a sense of safety, where you can remember and even mourn your past.

I have PTSD, and I know that treatment through any therapy option is a very difficult process. But in order to deal with our past, we need to revisit our traumas in a safe environment. That is best done through your therapist.

I am sorry that you dont feel as though your Mum and brother will be supportive of you or ready to face the past. Have you ever tried to talk to either of them about how you feel? A traumatic past is hard on families, and its likely that they too have a lot of difficulty in dealing with the past. People try to deal with things in their own way, and no two people are the same. Try asking them what they feel about what happened in the past, and how they are dealing with it. Then explain to them what you are trying to do, and how they can assist you in that process.

Sorry I'm not much help here. Not knowing the people involved means its hard to know how best to go about it.

Not a problem at all about listening to you! If nothing else, I'm happy to offer moral support any time. (-:

Taurus xx

[summerdays]

Hi Taurus,

thankyou so much for your reply.

yes I am booked in to the workshop which will be held in about 4 weeks time. I am counting down!

In regards to my psychologist and healer, I am extremely disappointed. At my appointment I spoke for about 2 minutes about what was happening to me before she suggested we do some neurofeedback. I wasn't thinking straight and really needed some relief and assistance that I didn't hesitate or even ask what it was about. I trusted her. To cut a long story short, afterwards she did a questionnaire and realised she 'worked' the wrong side of the brain, and it was within the last 10 mins of the session that I was able to fully let out exactly how I was felling. I left crying and the rest of the day was as bad as it gets.

I felt better after seeing the energy healer, but am cautious about heading too far down this track because although at times I feel completely drawn, sometimes I wonder if I am having a spiritual awakening or beginning of a (more)serious mental illness/breakdown. But that's another story!

I have seen a dr to get a referral for more psych sessions and I told her that I had PTSD symptoms but she didn't even ask me anything or question it, so as for getting a proper diagnosis I just don't see the point really. What is the point? I am 34 and at this point in my life I think I am the expert of my life and I feel so let down by professionals in the past. Everything I experience fits so perfectly under the trauma umbrella.

To answer your question about if I am having targeted therapy, no. I am doing this 90% on my own.about to embark on some post grad study in this area, and doing lots of research on my own. I am feeling overwhelmed.

As for my family, I have spoken a little bit about whats going on with my Mum but it's really awkward and I am really afraid of rocking the boat and to be completely honest I am scared of more suicides-My brother especially. I don't know how to go about asking them or talking to them?? We talk on the phone occasionally but I am really cautious of bringing anything up because I don't want them to get off the phone and feel like shit. My bro will probably deny an issue and that will hurt. And I don't want to discuss anything when we catch up, because I just couldn't deal with it. I can't do it on my own.

Thanks for listening, sorry it probably doesn't make any sense but I just had to get it out

[Croix]

Dear Summerdays~

I only wanted to briefly say I can relate and wanted to mention a couple of things as a result.

Firstly anyone will completely understand your disappointment both with your GP and your psychologist - though I guess if she knows she was on the wrong track that is a start. I found that I needed to find the right people to throw me a mental 'life preserver'- and was lucky. Found some that clicked.

I think if I had tried to sort myself out - even if I am an expert in my symptoms, I'd feel very overwhelmed. Mind you this just not apply to treatments, I'd feel the same way if I had to deal with tons of everyday problems, I guess I just need the experts who are the ones I expect to sort out the very things I, as a layman, find overwhelming.

Trying to deal with your family sounds terribly difficult, particularly as they are a constant source of worry - walking on eggshells. Do you think in time you will be able to accept your partner's family - and they you?

With kids. I had a double worry. First that I'd make the same mistakes as my parents (who ended up demonstrating a complete lack of love) and secondly that my symptoms when reacting to PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression would have alienated me from my family and shown me as some sort of very bad example. Also that my issues of distrust etc would spill over.

Well at least partly though my wife's influence none of that happened -thank goodness. I'm loved and seen as a stabilizing refuge.

If your family is not going to be supportive I guess you keep things general if you can. Seeing family for birthdays and so on can be a hurdle for many, me included.

Do you have other support -your partner perhaps? I was unreasonably lucky in that area

Croix

[summerdays]

Hi Croix

Thanks for your reply

I do feel overwhelmed but I just don't see the point in continuing with the psychologist because seeing her is like fishing for tadpoles when I want us to catch a marlin.

I've contacted BlueKnot for a list of recommended psychs in my area and am going to contact one who sounds good.

I have a distant relative who supports me and I am very lucky because without her I would have non-one. Although my partner is great he doesn't appear to be interested at all but I think that is only because he has no idea how to help. But turning off the tv at night might be a good place to start but he says he is too tired. We have some work to do to reconnect again after kids