Childhood trauma - trigger warning

Gembug67 · ‎07-03-2019

The first clear memory I have of being molested is when I was 3 , I can still smell the tobacco and remeber the feelings of shame . My mother was / is a child molester............I learnt very quickly to be quiet. As I got older , around 12 /13 I once questioned what they were doing to us , begged to be left alone only to be told I wasn't being open to experiences and new ideas ........ this is only a small snippet of what happened to me .....I have managed to run and hide from the memories for many years until recently when I had a break down , flashbacks, memories have been kicked into high gear ...... sometimes I feel like screaming at someone , do you know what it's like to be 13 and sexually abused and not be able to do anything about it , to feel helpless and ashamed and dirty and to watch him walk away like the cat that swallowed the cream ......... to be small and invisible is all I wanted , still do when I am triggered now ...feel like I'm treading water wanting to get better not really knowing how questioning every reaction I have as to whether it's a "normal" response or if it's me overreacting I don't even know how to explain this I have made so many bad decisions because of how I am and mostly I want to hide from the world but then I also know that to be healthy I have to push past my fears and start to live not just survive .....but how ????

sister moon · ‎07-03-2019

Hi Gembug67,

Welcome to the forum. Thanks so much for posting. You are not alone. I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. It is very understandable that you are confused about what is a "normal" response. When you have suffered both mental and physical abuse from such a young age it is hard to know what is up.

I am wondering if you have had any professional help with this? My experience is not the same as yours however I had suffered trauma and the deep shame surrounding it. One thing that I have found is that talking about it wasn't as bad as not talking about it. It took me a very long time to start to open up about things and there are still things I have not shared but having someone listen really helped. There are phone lines where you can speak anomously 1800RESPECT might be a place to start or lifeline. They might also be able to refer you to further support in your area.

best of luck

Feel free to speak on hear and let us know how you get on.

Sistermoon

Croix · ‎07-03-2019

Dear Gembug67~

I'd like to join Sister Moon in welcoming you here and think your are brave to post here, not so much because of what people here might say or think - which will always be supportive and understanding - but of the effect it might have on you , setting it all out and refreshing memories.

I'd have to ask the same question, are you getting good medical support? It really is essential, not medical support, but good medical support.

You don't have to explain, not the flashbacks, poor judgments, uncertainty as to how things should be or all the rest. I've PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression, which came from a very different source than yours, but found I needed that support - in fact had to have it to function.

Over time things have become an awful lot better. The power of the past lessens, enjoyments creep in, better judgment emerges.I trust my partner.

If you are not under treatment please get started down that road. Our 24/7 Help line at the top of this page will by voice, chat or email tell you what organization is best in your area - also what support groups are around (they can be amazing).

Pushing past you fears is not that quick, I wish it was, but nether is it impossible. It is partly medical help, with specialized therapy, and partly a life that takes you well away from past triggers and hopefully is with people that care, even if they do not understand 100%.

You are worrying about what you thought processes are doing, are you judging right or overreacting etc. Well I found you don't need to think along those lines so much, as you improve the doubts will get less -I hope that makes some sort of sense.

My wife never really understood what was in my head, but her presence and the fact she learned by trial and error what helped made a huge difference. Do you have anyone like that?

I hope you have the feeling this is a warm place where you can talk and gain a little hope

Croix

Gembug67 · ‎08-03-2019

Hi Croix, thank you for replying . I have had professional help over the years and still am , although at the moment I am medication free as I felt I was getting worse . I haven't had any luck with relationships as I went from my mother to a very abusive relationship , people say you marry your father , I married my mother so in saying that I have serious trust issues , I do however have some very good friends who although cant understand how I am feeling are very supportive for the most part . I have found since I was a little girl an affinity to horses and that has helped immensely. I still feel stuck though , and somedays don't feel like leaving my bedroom let alone the house . I can pretend I'm ok , pretend I'm happy but that's mostly to make other people feel better

Gembug67 · ‎08-03-2019

Hi sister moon, thank you for replying xx