Bad memories coming back 50 years later

[InvisibleMe]

I don't know what to do. I was sexually abused by a trusted neighbour when I was about 9 years old. I blocked it out of my mind. I told no-one. I was brought up in a strict catholic family and would not have dared tell my mother or father. I felt it must have been my fault. I became socially withdrawn. My parents were so strict I might have had one date in high school.

I married young. My first child died of SIDS. I tried to keep my marriage going, having another three children. We separated twice. When I was 36 weeks pregnant with my last child he told me he was leaving when the baby was born. I knew he was seeing someone but, like always, I kept it to myself. We divorced. I had a very difficult middle child who went to live with his father's new family when he was eight years old.He returned when he was 17.

I have had major health problems including two malignant cancers and severe asthma. I was diagnosed with the chronic pain of fibromyalgia about 8 years ago. However I made it to the top of my chosen profession until I had to resign due to illness. I set about getting my health back and have gone from strong pain killers to now being pain free. I've lost over 30 kg. I'm working full-time again.

However, with all the media attention on sexual abuse it has brought back these unpleasant memories from my childhood. I find myself thinking about it most nights now and the impact I think it has had on my life.

I disclosed part of the abuse once to my mother about five years ago and all she said was 'your father would have killed him.' Nothing else.

I've always been a survivor but these thoughts are making me very sad. I find myself crying, and I'm not one to cry. I live alone (apart from my beautiful animals). I have friends but I don't want to talk about this part of my life with them. I can't understand why, so many many years later, I'm feeling like this. I've said more here than I've ever told anyone.

[sister moon]

Hello InvisibleMe,

Welcome to the forum. Thanks for sharing your story. These things are very hard to talk about and well done for taking the first step. I am so sorry that you have experienced these things and they are impacting you.

I am wondering if you have tried calling 1800RESPECT. they are fantastic to talk to and you do not have to reveal any identifying information. They may also be able to refer you to other avenues of support if you feel like you want that. Lifeline and beyond blue also have phone lines you could call. Your GP might also be a good place to start.

It is very understandable that you may not feel comfortable talking to your friends about these things, it is sometimes hard to do and it can be hard for people who do not have a trauma history to relate to our experiences. But I promise you that you are not alone. Well done for taking the first step by posting on here.

You are of course very welcome to keep posting on here.

Best of luck

Sistermoon