G'day! I'm dealing with some childhood trauma, and don't know what to do next.

[Andrew87]

G'day,

I'm currently trying to dismantle some childhood trauma. The depression from this if left unchecked, leaves me unwilling to get out of bed or eat.

I finally addressed the fact that in my first year of primary school, I was sexually assaulted repeatedly for several months by the kids in grade six when I'd go to the bathroom. There were five of them, and they ended up getting expelled for their little "game". Instead of therapy, my mum just taught me to be afraid of strangers, that attraction was sinful and shameful, and that women all want to take everything you have and leave.

These days she also says the world is flat, and Mars doesn’t exist because NASA made it up. I love her, but she's left me with a bit of trouble to deal with.

Over the past few years, I've built this helpful routine. Partly on what I found on the beyond blue website actually:

1. Daily gym
2. LOTS of home cooking
3. Talk to friends and family, and asking for help
4. Projects I can discuss and be proud of
5. Having lots of guests over, to stay social
6. Journal a few times a week

After reading a book on cognitive behavioural therapy last year, I decided to acclimatise myself the intimate side of life. It's working, and I'm more confident and fluent in conversations. My painful awkwardness is vanishing, and I can make flirty jokes and use public restrooms without feeling afraid.

But as my work is simple labour, my mind wanders, and I switch from happy hope, to blind rage to disdain and loathing and back to pride and gratitude for those I am close to. Work is a sort of blast furnace of self-reflection and my performance is suffering to the point where I am at risk of being let go. My family and friends have been mentioning I'm not myself too.

I've been tampering with substance abuse, as I'm desperate to overcome this.
Losing 25kg however, really helped me stop hating myself.

I don't know what to do next.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Good on you for seeking assistance.

At this early stage I think its a hood idea to Google the following threads and read the first post of each. Then if you want to reply you are welcome

Google

Beyondblue Topic who cries over spilt milk

Beyondblue Topic nip it in the bud- ideas

Beyondblue Topic vulnerable dwelling unprotected

Beyondblue Topic feeding your brain

Beyondblue Topic the best praise you'll ever

TonyWK

[Croix]

Dear Andrew87~

I'm glad you came here and posted. I can imagine the difficulties you had witting down your past experiences, and even the limitations of your mother. Not easy, and leaves lots of second thoughts. Still it is a good move.

Being injured as you were, on a sustained basis, is something that casts a huge shadow over later life, distorting thinking and creating pain and very often a lessening of self-regard.

It can get worse and leave you - for example - blaming you mother's limitations as well as those sub-human little boys.

I'm glad you have sorted out what sounds a pretty healthy routine, but as you are finding it is not enough.

Please take the effort and courage you have shown to come here and use it to seek medical help, with a therapist or psychiatrist that deals with such childhood abuse. It is a specialized area and you need someone competent that you click with and have confidence in.

My trauma came in other ways and I never improved until I had therapy and meds, I still do, and my life is worlds better.

Working in a job that does not use you mind does allow it to free-wheel, to dwell on all the hateful things from the past.

I've a couple of thoughts, I don't know what you feel.

The first is mindfulness, and I use a free smartphone app called Smiling Mind (plus earphones) to direct my thoughts away. Takes practice but works.

If this is impractical set yourself an ongoing mental occupation that takes up that extra mental capacity. What you might choose depends upon your own likes and abilities. Write a book in your head and record it at night, make up long complicated jokes to tell others.

Have a look at the Citizen Science pages and see if there is an activity you can do, if outside assist in flora or fauna population counts, record the weather or ... well you get the idea.

Maybe even sing!

You sound a very sensible person that has researched and made a healthy life with lots of supporting activities. I would thing you are an ideal candidate to benefit from therapy.

Please say what you think abut this.

Croix

[Andrew87]

Hey Croix,

Thanks for taking the time to reply. That app looks good, very structured and gamified, so it's part of my evening routine now.

Croix said:

Working in a job that does not use you mind does allow it to free-wheel, to dwell on all the hateful things from the past.

At first, being able to process how my life was going, was helpful. But you're right, it's become brooding and is no longer helpful. I'll start working on DnD characters and campaigns in my head, and planning what to study to and work on instead of self reflection. And more importantly, leave my job very soon for my original IT based career. I've had a rest, time to get back to what I'm good at. I've been getting up early every morning, and working on my skills each day anyway.

Croix said:

I would thing you are an ideal candidate to benefit from therapy.

I'm not sure how to begin this, or what to expect. Do you happen to have any guides, or links I could read over?
Do I just visit a GP and say I'm struggling with depression?

[Croix]

Dear Andrew

I always enjoyed DnD, though we never took the scoring too seriously, more fun making up situations and cracking weak jokes.

I guess that yes, you go to the GP, use a long pre-booked appointment and say how you have been feeling and how it has affected your life. I'm not sure you need to say you have depression -or anythng else, it should be apparent all by itself.

If you want you can do the test on this site:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety-and-depression-checklist-k10

which may give a rough indication of your state, it is not a diagnostic tool, just a very small indicator. If you do take it and it has positive results you could take it with you.

Incidentally you can switch off the horrible background music in that app, it is distracting.

Croix