I’m new, Hi! How do you keep enduring (dealing with childhood sexual abuse)

[IreneJoy]

Hi All,

I unexpectedly had the sexual abuse I experienced as a child (7 - 12 years old) come back and “haunt” me with a terrible vengeance late last year. I had a bit of a breakdown really after a very challenging year my husband nearly died, a childhood friend murdered, multiple family medical challenges etc. The last last straw was me accidentally walking in front of a car and a long painful recovery. memories of my childhood sexual abuse hit me, became intrusive and I couldn’t deal with life very well any more. I reached out to my GP and have been seeing a psychologist since and am transitioning back to work again in a painfully slow process.

I’m finding the process so unbelievably hard. So much shame, self-hatred and feelings that I should be doing better (given a whole lot of people experience worse). I also struggle with feelings that I am wasting the medical professionals time and should be able to get over this better and faster. I now have days where every moment is a struggle to endure. My GP has now suggested medication in addition to the psychological treatment - but I’m really afraid of the side effects and feel I should do better.

I like my GP and psychologist and have a very supportive husband. Also good friends but I don’t want to lean on them as I don’t want to bring them down with me or frighten them off - I also don’t feel like I can talk about it easily as it might get back to my abuser and it feels unfair to his privacy. The problem is I have frightened myself recently with my thoughts that I really cannot take another minute of this mental pain. I don’t want my kids to see me in a bad way or to have to get by without me.

My primary abuser was my 8 year older brother who was a teen at the time. He’s still in my life and I’m not able to let him know I’m dealing with this now but I can’t avoid him easily without bringing it up with him. Another family friend of similar age to him also (independently) abused me around the age of 8 or 9. I have had “new” memories resurface as part of this process that I hadn’t remembered the only other time this hit me (over 20 years ago when I was 18 or so). I don’t even know which of them was involved in the new memory. Up to now when memories appeared I shoved them away so quickly and I led a “normal” life.

Any advice on how you’ve got through a similar spot in your journey would be so much appreciated- and how you made your decision as to medication or not as part of moving forward. Many thanks...

[PamelaR]

Hi IreneJoy and very warm welcome

I am so pleased to see you have found your way here. My heart goes out to you. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assault and have much to share with you.

Right now is not the best time for me to give you the response. I’ll be back in an hour or two . Hang in there. You’re not alone Irene.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[PamelaR]

Hi IreneJoy

So much has happened to you over the past year it's no wonder things are difficult for you. You've had an awful lot of grief and pain. Sometimes I find that when stress is high, that's when my past comes up to haunt me.

Yes the process of recovery is painful isn't it. The shame, guilt, self hate, selfworth, self esteem all take a battering. I know it is hard, very hard. All I can say it does get better. For me it took 8 years of crying, screaming, beating my pillow, yelling - and maintain my work, my friendships and my relationship. I did it.

How did I get there? Well I had very good - doctor, psychologist, husband, boss and work colleagues. I also started medication. Something that I was loathed to do because I had a bias towards the use of it. However, when I did have my breakdown, 18 months after I started trawling through my childhood, I had to take medication. I'd used up all my happy hormones and had nothng left inside to keep me here. The doctor wanted me to go to hospital, but relented (and I stayed at home) when I said I'd take medication.

There are many posts and threads here by people who have experienced similar childhood trauma. Many of us have managed our recovery and healing in different ways. My suggestion is - have a browse / do a search of our website. Keywords are many - childhood sex abuse, childhood trauma. Feel free to join in the discussions.

There are a few threads about managing triggers. Do searches for -

Sharing Strategies for help with PTSD

Complex PTSD - What is it and how do we cope

Living with PTSD for 54 years

About seeing your brother - that must be very difficult. I'm not sure what assistance to offer you there. My thoughts are he needs to know how this has affected you and your life. I would talk with my psychologist first to find out what I would expect as a response and how I could manage it.

Hope some of this helps IreneJoy. Keep reaching out if and when you want.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[IreneJoy]

Thanks so much for your response Pamela - it is so fantastic to hear from someone who has lived this experience. I will go look at your recommended threads now.

When I disclosed to my mum what had gone on (when I was a teenager and couldn’t go on one day no idea the trigger but was a sobbing mess) she coped the best she could and believed me but told me not to tell my dad and we just pretended no disclosure had happened. So I pulled myself together stayed “strong” and ignored everything to do with it, which I’d already become an expert at. I’ve spent over 20 years supporting my brother through crisis after crisis after crisis in his life, continuing in my role as family peacekeeper and counsellor. Before my trauma came back I was already at wits end because I can’t keep supporting him mentally but felt obligated to.

Since this hit me I’ve been having to deal with unpleasant emotions for the first time really in my life. It’s been so disorienting and I’ve felt like a real failure going suddenly from a have it all together state to have nothing together. I particularly have felt bad as I’ve felt so much anger and then guilty about the anger. I’m learning my grounding techniques but it’s the hardest journey I’ve ever been on.

Having to seek help was really challenging to me as I’m just not used to it and it seems wrong. It’s taken me a while to come to terms with the fact that I’m not just going to able to get over this really quickly. But I suppose that’s an important first step itself.

When I first searched on the internet a few months back it was revolutionary to me - all the information out there - and people not just brushing their incest or child sexual abuse experiences off and bouncing back. in particular I started to feel less like a failure and more like my brain had just responded the best it knew how. I wish I’d realised years ago that it was ok to not be ok with this all.

I still have to work out what to do with talking with my brother it horrifies me more than I can out into words. When I was a young teen a program came up on tv about incest or news item or something and he apologised to me briefly. I didn’t know how to deal with that. It was incidental, casual and I’m sure gave him closure. He probably thinks I’ve moved on too.

I don’t know what other people have done. Even writing this fills me with such guilt and horror. I have to balance my family’s needs with my current desire to have absolutely no contact ever again.

Thanks again.

[Raqhell]

Hi IreneJoy

I'm so sorry that so much has happened to you, and glad you've reached out.

I've just signed up to this forum (after lurking here for over three years reading posts) after reading your post and wanting to reply. I am almost in the exact same boat as you.

I am currently trying to 'deal' with my childhood sexual abuse at the hands of an older brother and subsequent anxiety issues that have plagued me since. I've been seeing a wonderful psychologist, who is helping but I haven't been seeing her long.

I'm currently in conflict with my twin sister who Iive with (who knows about the abuse as she was also a survivor) because my other brother is getting married and the rest of my family who live in NZ, and including my abuser, want to stay at our house. I immediately said there was no room for him (as I would feel unsafe around him), and now my sister is mad because she thinks there is room and is annoyed that I wanted to her 'lie' to my Mum by saying there isn't enough room for abuser and his gf to stay (technically there is but it would be ridiculously tight). I wanted to keep myself safe and for some reason she doesn't understand that, and that sucks but I also feel guilty because now my Mum, Dad and abuser and his partner are getting an AirBnB which my parents can't really afford.

I haven't seen my brother since I started getting treatment and working through my trauma, and I honestly have no idea how to act around him anymore, or whether I'm going to talk to him at all. I don't even know what the end goal is for my treatment as I can't see myself ever really being ok with what happened.

I don't really know how I'm going to approach the situation, but I want you to know that you're not alone in this feeling, and I'm here if you ever need to talk

x

[IreneJoy]

Hi Raqhell,

Thanks so much for joining the forum to reply. Apologies for the reply delay - I had to take a break from reading the forum for a while as I have had a few pretty tough times just getting through in the last few weeks. Retreated into myself more for a while to try and get by.

I’m so very sorry you’re going through a similar journey at present, but so glad you reached out to share your experience with me. It means a lot to know of another trying to work their way through.

I’m going through a stage of sharing what I’m going through with a few trusted people (it’s hard to hide such overwhelming turmoil) then feeling shame for sharing. I came into this forum when I wanted to reach out somewhere where I could share and hopefully not feel shame. Your sharing was a great gift thank you. It made me feel less alone on the journey that I don’t want to be on but have to be on.

I’ve not been able to reach out for help when I have the really tough times to my few friends who know as I find it too hard and don’t want to feel like I’m being a burden. Fortunately I have a husband who I can reach out to and be vulnerable with. I have to trust he can cope. I hope that you have people you can lean on.

Isn’t the guilt the worst? I’m sure you probably “know” on one level that the AirBnB expense isn’t your fault, and that keeping yourself safe (mentally too) is essential but boundary setting and putting your needs into the equation is so, so hard. Well done for doing it.

I had to see my brother this weekend, as I’m still not up to confrontation and couldn’t avoid the situation I had to act. I found it so awfully hard. I woke up that day with a sense of dread then had to put my “mask” on and let myself retreat a bit inside. The hardest part was forcing myself to look at him during general conversation as appropriate to keep the pretence up. And the hello hug. I avoided the goodbye. As he started a conversation line with “George Pell” I could take no more and before he could continue interrupted to say we had to go home. I held it together till today when I had my first alone time then let the emotions out. It’s been a hard day.

if you feel up to and happy to share how you managed your meet up I’d love to know but I don’t want to pressure you at all it may not be the right thing for you to share.

i do hope it went as well as it could for you.

Thinking of you out there somewhere . Thanks again for reaching out and sharing 🙂