Another newbie here - How do I support a sexual abuse survivor and myself?

Brad_Andrews · ‎12-03-2019

Hi everyone. I'll be known as Brad on here but that's not my real name. I'm 55 and married to a wonderful woman who is a little older than myself. She is a survivor of a horrible sexual assault that occurred in her late teens. Since she confided in me about her assault we are both struggling with the ongoing consequences of what happened to her, and due to the deeply personal nature of the situation I have no one I can talk to or share my feelings with. To tell a friend or family member would be betraying the trust my wife has placed in me when she shared her story. So I'm hoping someone on here may be able to help point us in the right direction, because right now I'm hopelessly lost on how to deal with all of the emotions and thoughts that are going on, and we are seriously drifting apart as a couple.
Cheers
Brad

romantic_thi3f · ‎12-03-2019

Apologies if this comes through twice - the computer didn't seem to send the first one! 🙂

Hi Brad,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out and being here. I can really appreciate wanting to talk to someone but keep everything anonymous, and credit to you for doing so.

If we were to point you both in the right direction, what do you think that would look like?

There's a couple of things that come to mind. The biggest thing to me is understanding sexual assault and maybe getting some professional help. That could be for either herself or both of you; as even though it might be in her past, it's finding a way to deal with all of those feelings and emotions now together.

One resource that might be helpful is 1800 RESPECT. While they're most known as dealing with 'current' situations, they also have access to a wealth of resources for those who've had to deal with this in the past. https://www.1800respect.org.au/violence-and-abuse/sexual-assault-and-violence/support

The other resource that might be helpful is this one from the Sexual Assault Support Service (Tasmania). It's important to know that even though it probably feels like a whirlwind of emotions, they are actually really 'normal' for someone who has gone through such at traumatic experience. https://www.sass.org.au/sites/default/files/resources/supporting-survivors-sexual-assault_0.pdf

I hope this gives you a place to start; feel free to let me know if it's not what you're after or there's other ways I could help.

Brad_Andrews · ‎12-03-2019

Thank you for that information. I will give them a call a bit later today.

Regards

Brad

Brad_Andrews · ‎12-03-2019

I'm a mid 50's male married to a 60 year old woman who is a sexual assault survivor. Keeping this post short for character limits, so sorry if it reads a bit direct. From outside we look to have a blessed life. But there is little sexual intimacy, almost no sexual chemistry. We are drifting apart and withdrawing.
I don't know where to begin. When we met my wife was only the second woman I'd ever been with after my first 32 year marriage. The first time we I made love the look on her face concerned me. She looked like she was in
pain and I remember asking her "are you Ok?", and she said yes.

We got along well, did lots of fun things though our sex life was pretty "basic". I was happy with our relationship and thought we could work on the rest as we go. We married a few years later and have been together 10 years.

Our sex life never improved. It felt like she never really wanted sex as she would put it off at most opportunities, would never initiate sex, and never seemed eager to have it. She would say "maybe tomorrow night?" But nothing would happen that night either.

It lead to me feeling rejected and I wondered if maybe she just wasn't interested in me that way?

My wife eventually told me she lost her virginity to a rape when she was 16 on a blind date set up by a friend. The guy said she could either have sex with him, or he was going to rape her. When she told me that part of her troubled adolescence I thought I finally understood her low desire for sex.

Then some years later she told me that at 19 she was gang raped by 7 men. Other than knowing that after the rape was over she was taken back to the home of the instigator (who I understand was a person she knew), and then he continued to sexually assault her while his mother was in the next room.

I felt terrible for her, and all of the sex and intimacy issues we were having, suddenly made sense.

But I have no idea how to help her? She has received no counselling at all, and has said she doesn't want to talk to anyone about it. I have many thoughts and concerns going on inside my head trying to figure out how do we move forward from here? I have no idea how to approach her sexually now, as I fear sex is probably traumatising for her, and that's the last thing I want to do. I want to talk about it with her, but I don't know where to start, and I have grave fears for where that conversation might lead our relationship. Neither of us a particularly good communicators and I have no one I can talk to!

romantic_thi3f · ‎13-03-2019

Hi Brad,

It looks as though your other post came through; I'm not sure if that was intentional but I'll reply to it anyway.

I'm very sorry to hear of your wife's sexual assault history; it sounds like it's been incredibly traumatic for her and the fact it's been multiple assaults does make it so much more complicated. I'm glad though that she felt like she was able to talk to you, it sounds like perhaps you were one of the few people that she's told.

I'm not sure how you went on with that number, but I really do want to encourage counselling. What do you think might be holding her back? Is it the fear of being judged, or having to rehash old memories?

I do wonder by your post how much of her assault is affecting her now in terms of how she might be coping, even though you've only mentioned your sex life. A big part of having sex after trauma is being able to feel safe and in control, since both of that is taken away in sexual assault - so depending on what's happening, it may mean having to put it on the back burner for a while.

Brad_Andrews · ‎13-03-2019

Hi RT
Yes I called 1800RESPECT yesterday and had a chat witha counsellor there. They referred me to Brave hearts and Mens line Australia and gave me their numbers. I haven't called either one as yet. Busy day today.

Brad_Andrews · ‎13-03-2019

Hi again RT

To reply to the few questions you raised in your last post. I'm not certain why she has said she doesn't want to talk to anyone about what happened, but i suspect it's probably a combination of both the reasons you suggested. This happened 40 years ago and she has somehow managed in her own way to get through life to this point keeping the secret until she met me and felt comfortable to confide in me. She did say that "if I tell you, you probably won't want anything to do with me". So there is probably a lot of embarrassment and shame that she feels about what happened.

I worry how I can help her though if she doesn't wish to seek counselling herself?

romantic_thi3f · ‎14-03-2019

Hi Brad,

I've been thinking about this question and I think it's a really hard one to answer, because it's so hard to help people who don't want to get help themselves. Ultimately, wanting to get help has to outweigh all the terrible things and fears about getting help.

You've also mentioned that she opened up for the first time in 40 years, and it makes me think there's something that's pushed her to do that, rather than keeping it quiet. So the idea of getting help might not be completely off the table yet. How much has she been able to talk about what's happened, or how she's feeling?

I think that a big part of receiving help is knowing that it's there. There are people who have been through similar experiences and don't know how to bring it up, or feel like they've deserved it, or ashamed of who they are. Being able to kind of 'normalise' those feelings is okay too, because therapists aren't there to judge her or force her into anything she doesn't want to do.

The other thing I thought I'd mention too is reassurance. I'm not sure what you said in response to that comment, but I'm hoping there is some reassurance there, even if you're not always sure what to say sometimes.

I hope that this is helpful; would be interested to know how you got on with Bravehearts and Mens Line too.