Childhood Trauma (sexual abuse)

[MelC82]

I am new to the forum and I haven’t really done anything like this but I am looking for new ways to cope with my depression, anxiety and PTSD.
I see a psychologist and a psychiatrist for these diagnoses’ however the worst time for me is in the middle of the night when everything is still and quiet and I have nothing to do but sit and be with my thoughts. I have been struggling more than usual these past couple weeks with my anxiety skyrocketing and having flashbacks and a lot of PTSD symptoms. I haven’t slept in days and I am exhausted. Self harm is something I always seem to go to in time’s like these. I just feel useless and alone and scared and I know that tomorrow and the next day and the day after that I will go through the same cycle over and over and over again. Somedays I feel like I just don’t want to get up. I have to force myself to get through the day. Anxiety is a part of my everyday and it’s exhausting. I don’t want to do this anymore.
I was sexually abused by 3 different men at 3 different stages in my life. When I was 7 for a few year then again when I was 13 and again at 16 for a few years. I find it difficult to not blame myself. I simply can’t see that 3 different men all thought the same thing at 3 different times in my life. I must have done something to deserve what happened. I must have provoked it. I blame myself and so punish myself all the time.
lately I have been having a lot of flashbacks and when that happens it is immobilising. It feels like I am right back there all over again. I feel the sensations, I feel the touch and feel how my body reacted to what’s happened...it is literally like you are reliving it all over again and again again. Like it wasn’t enough to go through it once. I have also had a few panic attacks recently which are the worst thing ever. I hate that this is my life. It feels like none of it will ever get better. I have no light at the end of the tunnel only darkness.

[Cranberry_Juice]

Hi Melc

I am sorry to hear you have gone through the same Trauma that I have gone through when I was a child I was sexually abused many times by an old man who was suppose to be a family friend from the age of 7 to I was 10. And then at the age of 12. I kept all of this inside of me for 40 + years as I felt ashamed, dirty and it was all of my fault, believe me its not our fault and talking about it and bringing it to the surface really helps. Keep talking about it, I am proud you have brought it to the surface, It helps putting it behind you and moving on but the memory scars will always be there. Please take care x

[Evelyn11]

Hi Sleepy21

Thank you for your kind words. I must say that just writing on this forum has helped me immensely. Do take care of yourself during these challenging times of isolation.