How do I stop having breakdowns when i see/think about my toxic ex-boyfriend

[rondwight]

Hi !

Background info: I dated my ex in high school before breaking up half way through first year uni. It was a very toxic relationship and I will say I also started to become toxic near the end which I am not anymore. However I did develop depression and severe anxiety while dating him which mainly stemmed from the fact I never knew if the next day he'd break up with me and if he loved me as there had been incidents where he was kept bringing up other girls and talking to them openly flaunting it to me. He was emotionally abusive and extremely manipulative (I have come to realise he had severe self-esteem issues on reflection).

This lead to me not being able to eat, sleep, do basic functions, lose weight, and overall just become weak and overall I have traumatic memories of this period with bits missing in my memory and my mind not addressing this period of time mentally. Once we broke up however my life did get a lot better. However, it was a very messy breakup and I know I walked away and kept with my friends and tried not to interact nor cause drama with the people he knew out of common decency. However since the break up he has spread rumours about me , stalked me both in person and via social media, left letters at my door, messaged me numerous time and inappropriately tried to contact friends. Some of these activities happening one or two years after we broke up and even when he was dating another girl.

SO anytime I see him in public, I know he is a coward and won't come and talk to me ever HOWEVER I still get extremely anxious and at times start to break down (tearing up, vision goes blurry, nauseous) seeing him as I get scared and start to think what if and mentally start thinking of the past wrongs. My question is are there any ways I can prevent or ease these sorts of behaviours and thoughts when I do see him. I'm sick of feeling anxious every time I think he may be in the area and want to ease my own mind to not have these reactions.

Thank you in advance

[PamelaR]

Hi Rondwight and warm welcome to our forums

What an awful position to be in. It is a terrible feeling to experience fear (extreme anxiety) when seeing him. My heart goes out to you as you move through your life.

Your question - are there any ways I can prevent or ease these sorts of behaviours and thoughts when I do see him. I'm sick of feeling anxious every time I think he may be in the area and want to ease my own mind to not have these reactions.

Rondwight there is no easy solution to what you are experiencing. Your post is in the PTSD & Trauma discussions. It is good if you've recognised it because it means you understand what's happening. However if our moderators placed your post here then perhaps you might need further information about it.

PTSD is something that occurs when you experience a trauma. Obviously things happened in your relationship with this person that weren't nice, and I expect were in the domestic violence category (includes psychological, emotional, physical, financial abuse). That's terrible for someone so young - my heart goes out to you.

You ask some very good questions. How can you prevent yourself from responding in the way you do. There are many techniques for working with your mind and body. Before we go down that path - are you seeing anyone, e.g. a psychologist, psychotherapist? Have you seen your GP about your PTSD?

Once I understand your situation I can offer ideas you might consider. These will be based on what I've done in my life to reduce my response to triggers at the thought of - seeing my ex husband or him finding out I'm back living in the same city as he is.

We are a friendly bunch here and non judgmental. Feel free to share - but only if you want too, no pressure.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[rondwight]

I used to see a physiatrist during the low point however left after me and my ex broke up as I was a lot happier and physically and mentally getting stronger.

I have been seeing a psychologist and we have been working on anxiety techniques just very general life particularly to calm me down such as muscle relaxing and breathing exercises. But I have not really discussed this issue but alluded to it. I guess I am scared to be judged that someone I knew years back still has a major effect on me and I can not shake it. I am definitely thinking of bringing it up in my next meeting though if I have the courage. I am also confused if its just severe anxiety or PTSD but i have researched and the symptoms lean more towards PTSD.

Thank you in advance

rondwight

[geoff]

Hello Rondwight, and can I also welcome you along with PamelaR.

PTSD can be very frightening and cause distress because there could be triggers that can bring back memories of the trauma or the experience that you no longer want to remember.

I'm not qualified to determine this but know from what's happened to myself in saying that, as soon as I visualise a trigger, I have to getaway.

He will do this when he has another g/friend to pretend that he has some type of strength and to show off.

Write down how you feel on some paper and hand it over to the psychologist, this is always a convenient way to begin a conversation that needs to be discussed.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[Cranberry_Juice]

Hi RondWight

Please Please talk to a Health Professional or a counselor don't keep it bottled up inside because it does eat you from the inside and you can take your hurt and mistrust into the next relationship. I married a Narcissistic person who was very toxic she manipulated me in leaving my family, my young son (which I will never forgive myself for) I was mentally and emotionally abused and I kept all of that inside until early this year, I found that by talking about it and realizing I was not the problem and It was not me.I was find it hard to trust in the next relationship also mentally unstable I am still dealing with the emotions 5 years later. It really helped talking to somebody and that is helping me heal.