Childhood Trauma (sexual abuse)

[MelC82]

I am new to the forum and I haven’t really done anything like this but I am looking for new ways to cope with my depression, anxiety and PTSD.
I see a psychologist and a psychiatrist for these diagnoses’ however the worst time for me is in the middle of the night when everything is still and quiet and I have nothing to do but sit and be with my thoughts. I have been struggling more than usual these past couple weeks with my anxiety skyrocketing and having flashbacks and a lot of PTSD symptoms. I haven’t slept in days and I am exhausted. Self harm is something I always seem to go to in time’s like these. I just feel useless and alone and scared and I know that tomorrow and the next day and the day after that I will go through the same cycle over and over and over again. Somedays I feel like I just don’t want to get up. I have to force myself to get through the day. Anxiety is a part of my everyday and it’s exhausting. I don’t want to do this anymore.
I was sexually abused by 3 different men at 3 different stages in my life. When I was 7 for a few year then again when I was 13 and again at 16 for a few years. I find it difficult to not blame myself. I simply can’t see that 3 different men all thought the same thing at 3 different times in my life. I must have done something to deserve what happened. I must have provoked it. I blame myself and so punish myself all the time.
lately I have been having a lot of flashbacks and when that happens it is immobilising. It feels like I am right back there all over again. I feel the sensations, I feel the touch and feel how my body reacted to what’s happened...it is literally like you are reliving it all over again and again again. Like it wasn’t enough to go through it once. I have also had a few panic attacks recently which are the worst thing ever. I hate that this is my life. It feels like none of it will ever get better. I have no light at the end of the tunnel only darkness.

[Aaronsis]

Hello MelC82

Welcome to the forum and for taking the step of courage to write your first post and to share with us some of the hideous sexual abuse that you have had to endure. I am so beyond sorry that this has happened to you and if I can start with one thing, one thing, THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. I think this is part of the abuse is the psychological damage from your abuser in making YOU feel like YOU did something. You did not MelC82. Predators are experts at this game and know exactly what they are doing, the blame and the ownership lies with them, wholly and absolutely 100% with them.

It is time now for you to take back you, to know you are not worthless, that you are a beautiful person who has been through some horrific trauma. I hear you in that the middle of the night is very hard, the quiet, the dark and the booming noise from inside your head.....firstly it is just that, noise, it is not truth and the thoughts are just that. Sometimes it does help to get out of bed, maybe even in the night you can turn up some music and have a big dance, there are no rules to what makes you feel good. I have found writing to be a wonderful tool. To purge the rawness and feelings I have on a page, to be so honest and to get it all out, afterall it is not for anyone else to read, just you.

I am so glad to hear that you do have some help from your Psychologists and psychiatrists, this is wonderful and I am so very happy you have this support. Do you think you could reach out to them to get some assistance via a phone call or even face time? Something I have also learnt here in this wonderful community is that even after so much grief and pain that there is hope, there is a better tomorrow and things can and do get better. Sure, not the same version of you as before but a stronger and more resilient version of you.

Keep talking MelC82, we are here for you, to help you through this time. Huge hugs to you and I am once again so very sorry that this happened to you. You deserve happiness and a life without this darkness and I hope you can feel the care and support here.

Hope to chat some more to you MelC82.

Hugs

Sarah xx

[Turtle71421]

Hi MelC82, Thankyou for being brave and talking about the nights. I also have nights like you do. So much that I keep myself cold and set an alarm every 45min so I don’t sleep. I know all about grounding techniques but none of them work when you are in the middle of a flashback. I can smell him. My major supports are not available at the moment due to virus and I am really struggling. I have tried to get in contact with them but because I’ve been ok for the past few years I am no longer on their books. I have lost my job. I am having to care for my children but I feel like I can’t care for myself, let alone care for them. It is too easy to say - all good, yes going ok, in these current times. When will these memories be no longer impacting on our lives? Please, during the night - remember there is someone else whose five senses are filled by flashbacks.

[MelC82]

Hi Turtle71421. Thanks for responding to my post. It’s nice to know I am not alone in this and that someone else is experiencing what I am even though I wish none of us was experiencing any of this.
I am so sorry you went through what you. Coming from someone who has been through it my heart hurts for you cause I know all too well the impact it makes on your life.
I also have children to care for. I am a single parent and I always feel like I am failing them. They deserve more than I can give them. I always feel guilty if I say no to them if they ask something like can we play a game or can we go outside and kick the footy. I just don’t have the capacity to do that all of the time.
I don’t know the answer to your question when will these memories stop impacting our lives but I would sure like to know the answer.
you have my support through this and I am here to listen.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Mel C, thank you for sharing your story. I am very very sorry for what you went through. You never should have experienced that abuse and i want to reassure you tat you're not alone. I have had the same thoughts. I had repeat experiences of abuse and I thought it was all my fault. I'm only processing now that it wasn't. I will try and write more but I just wanted to say hello.

[Turtle71421]

Hey MelC82

thanks for your reply. Yes it’s super hard being a single parent with kids. I try and protect them from the impacts of my past but as they move into adolescence it is getting harder. Have you been in touch with the blue knot foundation? I have only spoken to them once, and they only have a phone number (7 days a week but only 9-5) and you can also email them. I really needed to speak to someone when I called them but I found them brilliant. They are specifically an organisation for childhood trauma, and the person on other end of the phone really listened and understood. It’s great you have some good support from psych etc... but they aren’t there during the night, and all the great strategies you have learnt and mastered are hard to remember at 2am! Self harm is something I also use as a means of bringing myself back to the present. This is a source of intense secrecy for me as I am a ‘teacher’ so need to have my shit together and can never admit it to any friends. I feel like there is so much shame associated with sexual abuse, for me it was my dad. I have worked hard to reach a point in my life where I can acknowledge that it wasn’t something I had done. That I didn’t deserve it. That he wasn’t doing something he had to do because I was not a “good” daughter. But it’s not always easy to really know this and to look after myself. There is always 1800Respect, they have online and phone support all through the night too - which is good. But I didn’t find them that great but it was someone there during the night, As my daughter is now going through puberty I am being triggered by this. Not sure what to do. Not sure where to go for the longer term support and counselling that I need at the moment. Especially with all this virus thing. Everyone is so focussed on that where as all I can think about is - what is going to happen tonight, what can I do to minimise it..... Thankyou for being brave and courageous and putting yourself out there. It means a lot to know that I am not alone, Keep trying - we are the only mums our kids have and we are doing our very best with what we have at the present. I am thinking of you as the night comes and remember there will be a tomorrow. It was NOT your fault, it was NOT something you did - you like me, were a child. Just as special, unique and wonderful (and sometimes frustrating too) as our innocent children. We need to somehow learn to love ourselves like we do our kids.. if only it was that simple!

[Guest_1643]

Hey Turtle and Mel C... just chiming in to say thanks for sharing about the Blue Knot foundation, I"m going to check them out!

I've also found 1800 RESPECT very good. The counsellors there are amazing, and they hvae this service where if you request it, you can speak to a SPECIALIST counsellor. (24/7) I do not know the difference really, both types of counsellors are good, but the specialist counsellors give a lot of time and support.

[MelC82]

I have never heard of the blue knot foundation turtle71421. Thank you for the idea. I just struggle with talking about it verbally. Writing it down is much easier. I seem to freeze whenever I try and talk about it. It has happened multiple times with my psych. It’s like I go Into freeze mode and I can’t talk or hear anything or see. I end up having a panic attack. All the raw emotions come to the surface and I can’t move or breath.
I understand what you mean about adolescents and puberty. I have a 12 year old boy and it definitely freaks me out. All the things a young boy goes through will be really difficult for me.
I am so very sorry to hear you struggle with self harm. It is a tough situation to deal with and definitely even harder to admit to someone and ask for help in that area. It is extremely difficult to control. I am struggling with those thoughts every night and the thoughts always seem to win. It must be tough to be dealing with this as well as trying to be a teacher unfortunately self harm does not discriminate.
my heart goes out to you for what you went through with your dad. They are suppose to protect you. But it warms my heart that you have been able to see that it wasn’t anything you did and that you didn’t deserve any of that. That is something I really struggle with. There is definitely a lot of shame attached to sexual abuse.

do you have a psych that you can connect with? I know it’s a tough time but they can do video chats or maybe a phone call.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me it means a lot.

[Evelyn11]

Hi MelC82

Thank you for sharing what you were going through. George Pell’s freedom is why I am back on the forum. It has hit my insides and brought back my childhood sexual abuse to the raw until I feel like I don’t want to be here.
I have suffered from depression since very young, although I wasn’t officially
diagnosed with severe depression until I was an adult.
I have done it all during the years past. Seen counsellors, psychologists and 2 psychiatrists. I have been in mental clinics on several occasions and have had Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT). I have been from job to job because of this recurrent depression.
I was sexually abused by a few people until I was about 13 years old, also like you, at different stages in my life. I am not sure when it started. The worse perpetrator being a family member. I still feel so ashamed, especially because I allowed it to happen several times. I know I shouldn’t feel blame but.....
Presently, I too am finding it hard to sleep especially when these awful memories return. I was coping with being at home for I am a bit of an introvert (more when I am not coping). This lack of sleep is making things hard. I stay in bed most of the day but sleep is scarce.
Since this verdict of Pell, I have been finding it hard to get out of bed and to do simple things for I was also taken advantage of by a priest; this was at a time in my youth that I thought I could turn to the church for help and guidance. 
I am tired. Enough is enough. I cannot take anymore. I look up to some of the supportive words on this forum. I am happy for those who are coping. I don’t even want to reach out to my psychiatrist or family. I am writing this in tears.....

[Guest_1643]

hey Evelyn...You poor thing.
I'm so sorry you are suffering and were triggered.It happens to all of us.... it is sometimes hard to know when it's happening. I am sorry you feel like you're not coping and feel like it's a real struggle.
You are here with us writing, and seeking help that way. That counts. You are a brave one.