Can’t control my anger

[Boca]

More and more, I’m seeing myself losing control in anger. Saying nasty things, yelling, unable to calm myself down. I can’t let go of things - I can think about something that happened when I was a kid (20 years ago) and feel painful anger as if it happened five minutes ago.

This week I haven’t felt happy - just angry. I have been picking fights with my boyfriend over tiny or ancient things. Our relationship has not been stable for a long time and there are times that I wonder whether some of his behaviour is emotionally/psychologically abusive. I’m not trying to excuse my behaviour - I’m including this just to give context. He insults me a lot, talks over me, puts words in my mouth, dismisses me. But when I think about us breaking up, I become extremely distressed. I don’t get it! I know I could be happier than I am but I feel panicked and distressed when he says he’s leaving. I’m in my mid-30’s - this isn’t how I pictured my myself or my life!

I think I give as good as I get with him and was told by his mother earlier this year that my behaviour “shocked” her. She said I’m incredibly needy, self centered and attention seeking. She saw him yell at me and said I pushed him to that point of anger. That doesn’t feel right - that I’m responsible for his behaviour - but maybe I’m letting myself off too easily? My behaviour can be terrible and there are so many things I regret. Angry accusations said in front of his kids. She told him and she has barely spoken to me since. That’s fair enough. I’m not sure what to do to repair the relationships with his family... he says they’re all over it by now but I can’t let it go. How could I? I’m mortified by my own behaviour. And even that hasn’t stopped me. I keep losing my temper and behaving terribly. Little things just seem to hurt so much and I don’t know how to let things go

I lost my temper with my sister this week when I felt that she was unfairly attacking me. I apologised the next day but I sensed that some permanent damage has been done.

For more context, for 6 years I’ve have anxiety and agoraphobia, triggered by trauma.

I don’t want to be like this and I don’t know how to repair the damage I’ve caused to relationships. I’ve been given a lot of chances and keep blowing them. Please help. I wish I could rewind a lot of my life and do it again. How do I go forward after all this terrible behaviour?

[Croix]

Dear Boca~

Welcome here, I see you have been trying to encourage and help a couple of others as well as posting for yourself. I guess that says something pretty nice about you.

OK, you have a destructive habit. And you know it and want it to stop. Even more you have started to see when the anger is taking over and try to put up a bit of distance to it. All this is pretty good. Using that as a basis I'd really think that external help will get you there - not instantly, but effectively in time.

You've mentioned an anxiety condition and past trauma. May I ask if you are under treatment for these? If not it sounds as if you should be, and if you are I guess it needs re-visiting. I never improved, in fact kept getting worse, until I had the correct help. For you perhaps seeing about someone that specializes in anger management might be an idea - what do you think? At least to get a suite of techniques if nothing else.

Trying to fathom out the rights and wrongs of a relationship is hard, one tends to be too close for a start. Add to that muddying the waters by behaving angrily yourself and it is going to be just about impossible to see clearly what is happening, your bf may be abusive, or may be reacting to anger. Dunno.

When you have yourself under more control is the time to sort it out - and mend fences.

You are already taking steps, I'm sure you will make it - plus you are welcome here anytime

Croix