Hello there,
3 months ago I was diagnosed a Complex PTSD, with symptoms of bipolar and borderline personality disorder (and previously have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder). I've had a few months off work to get my head together and a few weeks ago, I started a new job in Federal Government. Whilst I had time off work, it gave me time to reflect on my life and have lovely conversations with my lovely and supportive house mate. I don't think my life has been that easy. Whilst I try to be optimistic and a silly sort of soul, deep down, there has always been anxiety and some level or filter of distress. The Psychiatrist (first time to see a Psychiatrist in my life this year) said that the matters I am presenting with (and also agreed by my psychologist) issues that relate to attachment and are from an early age....
I have always had tremendous caring responsibilities for 2 of my 3 sisters that have disabilities (from as early as 8yo). My father was absent emotionally, which resulted in this situation. Both my parents have mental health issues, it is suspected that my father is on the spectrum and my mother has a hoarding and gambling addiction. Parents divorced and a very complex history of court visits associated with the care of my 2 sisters. One parent declaring the other parent unfit. My father directs his internal anger about his behaviour towards my sisters with disabilities towards me. This has created a very insecure and fraught relationship.
Intermingled with all of that, I was a victim of occupational violence in a workplace (over an 8 year period). I've also been sexually assaulted by a masseuse and a boyfriend when younger. And in a community role (over the last 9 months), I was significantly assaulted 6 times ..... time to take better care of myself....I won't mention the details because I don't want to trigger any readers.....
I naturally am drawn to a caring role, to points of very unhealthy.....trying to have quiet time this year and working on fundamentally changing my patterns (I hope).
In reading about CPTSD, I find the dialogue interesting about relationships where there is a power imbalance (is what has brought it about). I am starting to notice that I have this same trait in many friendships where I tend to put up with things for too long from others. I am not blaming the other people (I am responsible for my actions too)....just interesting to note how it all works.
