Bad experience with police/reporting rape?

TimTams · ‎14-04-2019

Hi,

I am hoping to hear from other rape survivors in hope someone has been through what I have. When I reported my rape an officer encouraged me not to report 2 other assaults by this person because it sounded like "risky sex". This really hurt, because each time I was badly assaulted.

I am wondering is anyone else who has reported rape in Australia has had bad experiences with police like me? I am finding it really hard to understand why not all victims are given the chance to go to court due to 'not enough evidence' as well. Of course rapists will deny it and I just cannot understand how this is all the system does before closing a case.

Has anyone else struggled with not having 'enough evidence' to get a conviction and bad remarks from police officers?

This has really deeply affected my trust in society. It just feels hard to understand the world when you are raised to believe these things are wrong, yet police support the rapist.

Thank you for any insights.

I have felt very alone in this and was wondering if there are others out there who have had similar bad experiences when reporting their rape?

TimTams · ‎21-06-2019

Sorry I hope you do not take any of this personally. I am just really angry that police would say something like that to me without even knowing the full information. When I said what my ex-partner did was serious, I meant it. If they had bothered looking into it they would have realised why. They do not deserve my help anymore. You're right, I have better things to do (like I always did before reporting). It takes someone pretty daft to not realise what happened to me was not a serious crime. I am no longer interested like at all in helping them.

Croix · ‎21-06-2019

Dear TimTams~

No I am not taking it personally, thank you for thinking of me, that says a lot about you.

I'm simply very sad. You said:

I may be stereotyped too i.e. for someone to be sexually assaulted twice
by 2 different people mean something must be wrong with me

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you - nothing at all. You have those great human qualities love, affection and trust. There were used against you by selfish unscrupulous others, and you were terribly hurt and injured as a result.

I hope taking here can in some small way help. Even if you do not feel it you are not alone.

Croix

TimTams · ‎22-06-2019

Thank you I am glad you did not take it personally, obviously none of this situation was your doing. I know people would think something must have been my fault though to be attacked twice by two different men a decade apart. The second attacker (my ex-partner) resembled what happened to me as a child which is why it was worse I guess, he tried the same thing because he knew the details (because I was an idiot and told him). It was like the first time only so much worse because it was a partner I trusted instead of a stranger. I am starting private psychology next week. I do not know how I found myself in this situation. All I know is that I was an idiot for telling my ex what happened to me at 15 and I would warn everyone not to disclose your sexual history to partners in the case they use it as a way to torture you. I would really warn everyone, do not tell partners any of your abuse history in case they misuse it if they become abusive. It is really hard to manage and I hope people here really do believe me and please take my advice.

Croix · ‎22-06-2019

Dear TimTams~

Trying to find someone trustworthy is one of the hardest thngs. I honestly do not think you were an idiot to disclose your past experiences . Although you may think me naive or unrealistic I truly believe with a different person you might have received the supportive and understanding long term relationship you deserve, and so it was not silly for you to reach out. Sadly it went the wrong way.

I do not think your advice misplaced, betrayal wounds so deeply.

So now I'll say something else from my own experience. I would like to offer you a little hope in a harsh world.

I have been blessed wiht two understanding and loving partners I have trusted -and who have trusted me, however even here I have not detailed every event of my past life, but have managed very close enduring relationships even so. You can get (and give) that support, care and understanding without making yourself so vulnerable by detailed revelations. In time it will not matter, they will know and respect there are areas best left alone.

I hope the psych you have selected is understanding, skillful and someone that 'clicks' with you. Therapy + meds + time is the only way I've reached my current pretty reasonable state. That plus the care of my partners.

Croix

TimTams · ‎23-06-2019

Thanks, I was going really well but just have the occasional feelings of anger from I suppose a mixture of everything that happened. It is really hard not to feel sick toward the police for what was said to me when they had zero idea about my unreported history and I will just never feel comfortable with the police again. How could I? Seriously, how could someone have turned around and told a police officer actually I was assaulted when I was under 16 and never reported that when that same officer told me I had no right to report against my ex so long after the fact? It was and is so hard to process. I am starting private psychology next week and would agree though it is time more than anything that helps... I still feel really angry sometimes, but definitely less and less as time is going on. It was just the betrayal from someone who I told and trusted with such sensitive information that hurt so much. It is really the last thing anyone would expected when confiding in someone that it would be used against them. I have no idea how anyone human being could do that to someone who confided in them. I am sure he will go to hell. But yes, moving on. I do not know, I am glad for you but I think maybe the police need to start telling victims to keep it secret in case the same thing happens to them. I do not know if there has been research done on it but there are some sick people out there so I think maybe police should start to recommend that victims of abuse just keep it to themselves.

TimTams · ‎23-06-2019

I just do not know anyone who would know how to process all of this. I am pretty sure it is not every day a 15 year old ends up interstate with a 40+ man, or maybe it is and police just do not let on. But they really stuffed up in my case and I will never trust them again. I have absolutely no doubt they could have got at least one person in jail for 10 yrs but if they could not get that information out of my ex-partner who KNEW my fears and did this to me AGAIN then there is no way I would cooperate with them. They really did lose so much more than they ever knew, and I guess that is a lesson to them to stop being arrogant assuming ********. I will never think the same way of the police force again. Or speak to them again. As far as I see it, this is their loss. I have my own life to get back on with now and I am not interested in offering them information to only be treated like dirt. Ciao, police. No wonder why their are criminals walking around everywhere doing this to people still. I will not help them any longer, that is for sure.

TimTams · ‎23-06-2019

And how dumb are detectives if they literally ask no more questions? Not even asking me whether I had verbally told me ex-partner not to do what he did. I did not even get asked about that. I quite clearly did tell my ex-partner. Police clearly could not care less because questions to them are pretty irrelevant. All it would have taken that police officer was one simple follow-up question about why it was I told my ex-partner not to do 'xyz' to me for him to work something else out. Detectives really are not what they appear in the movies. Most of them are full of ****. Cannot ask a simple question let alone do any investigative work. Clearly I was wrong about what it is the police in Australia actually do. I am angry. But I clearly just wasted my time thinking anyone was a decent human being which is what hurts the most. I misplaced my trust to more than one person, and I definitely misplaced it giving it to a police officer. I am done with them. They can figure it all out when these people reoffend, and without me.

Croix · ‎23-06-2019

Dear TimTams~

I'm not going to defend particular police, that would be silly. I am concerned, not about police, but about you. The reason is that hurt, betrayal and misuse have placed you in a frame of mind where you lump everyone together.

It is a short step from seeing all police as useless or worse, to seeing everyone like that. In a lot of ways it is very understandable, however there are some good people in the world, and I'd be sad if you failed to recognize them, simply by being they can provide hope and peace, which I believe you need, not a bleak world with no respite.

Maye I'm not helping at the moment. If so my apologies.

Croix

TimTams · ‎24-06-2019

Yes I am sorry for that, I realised after posting yesterday that I was too mean towards others. My dad tells me all the time not to group them together. I am just really having a lot of anger lately at what particular police did do and say. I know they are not all bad and some have been helpful to us. I am just feeling so much anger at what one officer said. He had no idea about my past and it makes me so frustrated that they do not ask any questions and they are meant to be detectives? This officer was happy to judge me instantly without even bothering to look into my case and if he had he would have found out about my past and been able to interview my ex about it. It just makes me really mad. Do police not care about 15-year-old victims? Is that not illegal? Because it had a lot to do with what my ex-partner did and they did not bother at all to ask about it. How can they make assumptions so quickly without even finding out the details of a case? It is like this officer just made up his mind before even knowing anything about my case or asking any questions.

TimTams · ‎24-06-2019

Sorry I know I am appearing rude. But I honestly was not this rude to police until they decided that I was clearly the liar. They did not even ask me questions or look into my background history. How could I not be seriously disappointed and angry. It was just such a very big assumption for one or two police officers to make and I hope they learnt their lesson from it to be honest because what they did was disgraceful. I am receiving psychology tomorrow, I hope it will in some way help with my anger toward them and the whole force. Because I am having a hard time believing that police have good intentions.