Stuck in an abusive parental situation, no way out

[Cee123]

I am 39, and my father has completely ruined my life. I am still stuck living with him on a daily basis now that he has retired... I am constantly fighting with him, I never feel at peace here and I'm stuck with him controlling me on a daily basis, but I have nowhere else to go or I will be homeless and living on the street. I can't even get a job now because my mental health is destroyed, suffering long-term anxiety disorders and major depression and I am socially isolated. Things which I am only now realising were largely caused by his selfish actions, and not being allowed to have a life and grow as a person. I've also been long-term unemployed now with no major skills or experience etc and feel as though I am old now and my life has been completely wasted. I never got to do anything I wanted to do in life!

-He had to control everything growing up, and still does today. He controls me, he controls my mother, controlled my brother up until last year when he moved out with a friend of his. But basically everything he does he has to be in CONTROL. And if he doesn't get his own way with things he gets angry about it. Most of the time, we always have to eat what he wants, go where he wants, do what he wants. But other than that, he doesn't want me to go anywhere, he doesn't want me to do anything, he doesn't want me to have money, he doesn't want me to have a job. He just wants me to stay here for the rest of my life and do nothing. But I am going absolutely nuts and I am often snapping and yelling at him! Same with my mother. He doesn't want my mother to go anywhere or have a life of her own. Treats her like a domestic slave. He often wants to know where she goes, where she is etc, and the same with me. I look at her a lot of days and it looks like she's given up on life.

-He basically kept us isolated growing up, and I missed out on having a lot of experiences that would've helped me grow as a person. We only ever went to the same places, did the same things probably about once or twice a year. He never took us anywhere or did anything with us as kids. He would go out and live his life and leave us home. My cousins went everywhere, and did a lot of things with their parents. They had a lot of things to talk about and found it easier to make friends. My dad took off in the car and was never home, and expected my mother to always stay home with us. But fortunately she worked, as he would never share his money with her. As a result, I barely had any friends growing up, always struggled to make and keep friends, couldn't form healthy relationships. I would go to school and we would have news day and the teacher would ask me what I did on the weekend and I would say "nothing". I never got to do or experience a lot of things that other people got to do and experience and missed out on A LOT in my life, and a lot of stuff that I never got to learn. Having autism doesn't help, as that isolated me even more and I was a regular target for bullying.

[Croix]

Dear Cee123~

Welcome back. I can quite understand how your situation traps you and your mum in a horrible household dominated by your father. His controlling behaviour and attempts to isolate you both are typical of a certain toxic personality type. As you have found giving in often preserves the peace, but at the expense of feeling helpless.

This is a form of domestic abuse, in a couple of states illegal under coercive control legislation, unfortunately it is hard to get legal help with. Can I suggest you contact 1800RESPECT who are the acknowledged experts  for these situations in all states and territories.

I hope you are continuing to get medical support for your anxiety and depression, something you  mentioned in a previous post. If you can gain confidence from this that  would be a great asset.

Getting away from this situation does depend on help and finances - plus your own confidence in yourself. Your brother manged it (are you still in contact with him?) and while you may not have a suitable friend at the moment is there anywhere else you might stay - even if only for a break? You did refer to your cousins in the past -any hope there?

While you feel you may not have the ability to be employed can I also suggest a half way stage and go volunteer with any organisation that you might like? Anything from animal exercising to helping in a museum. There are lot of opportunities there and your main limitation may be access, though often people in that organisation may help with that.

Volunteering not only builds confidence and skills but gets you out of the house in the company of others, many very nice.

If you would like to keep on coming back and talking that would be great.

Croix

[Sophie_M]

Hi Cee123,

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. We can hear how much you’ve been holding, and how exhausting and painful this has been for you. Opening up about such a complex and deeply personal experience takes a lot of strength, and we want to acknowledge that.

Living in an environment where you feel controlled, unheard, and stuck can have a profound impact on your mental health, especially when it’s been ongoing for so long. It makes complete sense that you’re feeling overwhelmed, and it’s not your fault that the support, freedom, or opportunities you’ve needed haven’t been there.

You’re not alone in this. Many people who have experienced coercive control or long-term emotional strain from a parent carry similar feelings of loss, isolation, and uncertainty about how to move forward. There is support available and you absolutely deserve to access it.

We’d really encourage you to connect with the Blue Knot Foundation, who specialise in supporting people affected by complex trauma, especially when it involves family dynamics. You can call them on 1300 657 380 or visit blueknot.org.au. They can help you explore options, even if it feels like there are none right now.

You’re also welcome to reach out to the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636, or via webchat, 24/7. Sometimes just having someone to talk to, someone outside the situation can provide the breathing room you need.

Thank you again for trusting this community with your story. You matter, and your voice belongs here. We hope you’ll keep reaching out. You deserve to be supported.

Take gentle care,
Sophie M

[Rach28]

you need to get out. plan an escape plan, call a helpline if you are safe, just get out girl! 

The sooner the better so your nervous sytem can finally breathe. Please know its okay to take that leap and escape an abusive situation - I did it and ended up living in a womens refuge safe house for a few weeks before I was able to find something a bit more permanent temporarily. Plesae know its okay to take that leap even if you have no idea whats next. Get somewhere safe, support around you, non disclosed address. 

The better you get away from this abusive situation the better. I've been where you are and I'm so glad I left even if I was scared to death.