Assault/Anxiety - how to move on? [TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL ASSAULT]

[sydneyharbour17]

Hi all,

I'm not really sure where to begin, but about 4 months ago I was sexually assaulted by a guy I was seeing. We had been seeing each other for about 2 months and had a very complicated, but intense, relationship due to the fact that I was still healing from a previous 3-year relationship in which I had been severely emotionally-abused (gas-lighting, triangulation, lies, theft, silent treatment, you name it). The guy in question was under the influence of drugs when the assault took place and therefore couldn't remember it. When I confronted him about it the next day, he told me I was a liar and a perpetual victim. A week later, he told me he didn't feel anything for me anymore, that I was a terrible person, and then he cut me out of his life completely. Honestly, the things he did in the aftermath were more hurtful to me than the actual assault. I was seriously shattered by his behaviour but decided that the only thing I could do was focus on myself. My psychologist has helped me immensely in dealing with everything, and I am no longer depressed, with panic attacks becoming fewer and far between. My life at the moment is also very fulfilling. I do full-time uni, work 2 jobs, have a volunteer position at a mental health facility, and have 2 major holidays planned for this year. I also try to exercise regularly and maintain my hobby of writing. My anxiety, however, is still almost debilitating. My entire body is constantly tense and sometimes shaking, my sleep is shallow and unsatisfying so I am tired all the time, the smallest disappointment can send me spiralling off into a mini depressive-episode, I constantly have headaches, etc. Basically, what I am trying to say is that even though my life appears to going great, I still feel pretty horrible all the time, and I don't know how to make it better because I feel like I am doing everything right. One thing that I would also like to mention is that I still constantly miss the guy who assaulted me, and that makes my anxiety worse because I feel like there must be something wrong with me to miss someone who did that to me, especially when it has been 4 months since it happened and I only really knew him for 2 months. We go to the same university as well, so I see him often and every time he pretends I'm not there and it makes me feel terrible. So I guess what I'm asking is, what tips do you guys have for improving anxiety without medication, and how do I get over this guy?

Thanks so much in advance.

[sydneyharbour17]

Just a little bump as this was moved from the anxiety thread.

Would really appreciate anyone's insight 🙂

[startingnew]

Hi SydneyHarbour

I was sexually
abused myself and while it wasnt my boyfriend it was and still is
very hard to get through. I wont take over your post by telling you
my story unless youd like to hear it if not thats fine.




My advice to you
though would be start living your life again. Do all the things you
love to do, hang out with all your friends. Hes sounds like such a
jerk anyway and not worth hanging around for. I cant tell you also
that its common for people to still love the people that assulted
them but you can work through that. But start living your life, make
new friends join an interest group if you like.




You meantioned
anxiety..... ive got a coping strategies thread in staying well that might help

[sydneyharbour17]

Thank you for your reply startingnew,

I would love to hear your story if you are comfortable sharing it, especially how you got through it.

And thank you for the advice. I am trying very hard to keep myself busy with people/activities that I love like you suggested, but sometimes I just feel so weighed down that I can't even enjoy myself. 😞 I will keep trying though.

I will check out the thread you mentioned also. 🙂

[startingnew]

i dont mind sharing Sydneyharbour. i am still going thorugh this trauma though

[startingnew]

it all started when i was 16 when my mother got her new boyfriend. it didnt happen straight away during the relationship. he seemed really nice and caring and i never really had a father figure to look up to before so i was quite happy to just take on his advice etc just like a father- daughter relationship but after a while some true colours started to show and when my mu would go out, he would often say i coud stay at home with him and at first it was ok, i would just stay in my room and do what normal teenagers do ( study, listen to music, read a book etc) but one day that changed. he called me down to the lounge room ( we had upstairs bedrooms and bathroom and downstairs kitchen bathroom lounge room set up, so anyway he called me down to the lounge room and made me watch 'dirty' film clips and i said i didnt want to and he said well ill just tell your mother tat i caught you watching these when she gets home so i had to watch them, i tried not to watch them by just looking at the walls etc but i still had to stay there and i was too afraid to say something as why would people trust teenagers over an adult hey....then one day he called me down again and made me watch it again but afterwards i had to get undressed and one thing after another. i was so afraid and again didnt want to say anything as why would they beleive a teenager over an adult. they would just think im lying. this happened a few more times and it killed me each and every time to know that i was allowing this to happen.it finally ended when she left him through other factors (being violent) and now thats been dealt with but it still haunts me every day and i often worry whether itll happen to me again, or worse i now have younger sisters so i constanlty worry about it happenign to them

[startingnew]

Do you knw what ive
just realised I was actually 14 not 16 as my mum and him were in a
relationship for 4 years and it started a year after they were
together so that would have made me 14 so it went on for 4 horrid
years.yes I get the power thing as everytime it would happen he would say I wanted it and even if I protested it I was liking it and those 2 sentences haunt me everyday. His exuse was your mother isnt giving me what I want (as im ny mother wasnt giving him what he wanted) and also that he was 'teaching me the facts of life' so id know what to
do when I got into my own intaimate relationship- I havent said that to anyone or even meantioned that either to anyone yet Sara.it was
extremely confusing esp since – hmmm I dont want to say it but I
trust you enough to tell you as I havent meantioned this anywhere
else at all. But he made me.............................. do all
sorts of things that haunts me all the
time too 😞
I cant even have a lollipop otherwise I throw up!

[sydneyharbour17]

starting new, thank you so much for sharing your story. I want to start off by saying how brave you are for being strong through such a horrible ordeal. It's truly disgusting what happened to you. I actually have a very close friend whose story is almost exactly the same as yours and it makes me sick. It is not your fault and don't ever believe his lies that you wanted or deserved what happened. Have you told your mum? And have you sought help from a professional at all?

My assault story looks positively tame compared to yours. He was heavily under the influence of drugs and initiated sex to which I consented at first. However, I withdrew consent after a few minutes and he refused to take no for an answer. 

It still hurts to think about. Like when he told me that this was all I was good for, something inside me just broke. Like I really thought he cared about me but it turns out that was all he wanted from me. I was nothing to him. And then afterward he just called me a liar and pretends to this day like nothing ever happened and he never met me. I just don't know how someone can be like that.

But everyday I am getting stronger, we both are . 🙂

[startingnew]

Oh your prob wondering y it says sara on the post it cause i just copied it off my other thread as im on my phone so its heaps to type back up

Thank you for sharing your story with me. No my mother doesnt know and i wont tell her. I just want to move on with my life now. Being 20 its hard and when i told my mum about my depression she flipped it and told me to grow up so im not mentioning much else about my MI when i actually have severe complex ptsd from 2 events this was one but theres another severe gad severe depression health anxiety and social phobia to deal with as well.

Im seeing a psych but i havent meantioned it just yet i need to work on my anxiety first.

[startingnew]

Assult is still assult doesn't matter how 'tame' it seems

What happened to you shouldn't have happened either. He sounds like a right jerk and the reasonhe pretends to not know you is hea prob embarrassed himself and hopes by ignoring you youll forget and so will he.