In All My Life The Only Thing That's Still There For Me is the Bottle. nobody want's to be around someone this troubled .

[rustee_nails]

all the posts i've read for hours here today are from people who've seen so much worse than me,

been subjected to worse than me.but not only do they deserve their mental relief. they all seem genuinely likeable.

but i'm a male sexual organ of a human being. in my 40 years, every friends ended

up telling me i'm too much.alcohol,brain damage. i say things and do things that are beyond even blue.

i have no one . please dont tell me everyone deserves redemption because

they dont. i give every essence of my life that i can to charity to pay back some karma but it's never going to be a clean slate.

i'm not morally corrupt but i have done what i've had to do as a white minority ,to survive in bad places growing up.

i've tried every kind of support but after every appointment, i'm in the pub.

they bring up memories that i don't wan't to ever ever have to deal with. i've almost lived longer than the doctors gave me

after some life decisions turned brutal .thanks only to experimental surgery and luck during further attempts on my life.

and i've read lots of books ,kept up with medical research, distract myself withe art,voluntary work,excerise,

i meditate,do yoga,physio etc every day,been studying the latest brain elasticity research to fix mental damage.

i feel like i do everything i can. i've seen the same dr for a decade. and see the pain clinic and a trauma coucelor.

i do alot more that i dont need to mention,i haven't found anything new on this website.

i just wanted to ask people who i don't get to talk to...

i've gotten off of my pain/ anxiety meds 4 times in the last 25 years for over 18 months and nothing got better,

i eat well and did more excercise ,more socializing but the pain and anxiety would well up with such self deprecation

that i'd find the first bottle of 80% liquor and drink it like it was water in the desert.

i have to add that i'm not just mental .the pain i'm in is unending and indescribable,

to the point where i stepped into a road drunk last night and turned to see an 18 tonne truck barrelin up the gutter,

and in the split second before he swerved ,i didn't think about my life, or my "loved" ones.

all i thought was "thank god.it's over now."

i'm not suicidal nor ever will be. guilt will keep me doing charity work 'til the day i die by accident or illness.

but my question is: if alcohol makes hell bearable, then aren't the random bruises and scrapes worth it.

doctors don't expect me to be alive in 15 years anyway.

[Croix]

Dear Rustee Nails~

Hi, I've seen your posts elsewhere, both setting out your situation, and also giving a word of encouragement.

I'm here to thank you for putting a story in the Happy Memories thread. It will help others and may in fact be something you can think of for a moment of peace - I hope so.

I don't have any magic to stop your pain. You mentioned you wanted to talk, ok, I'll listen.

I will mention a thread Forums/ Long term support over the journey/ Battling the booze run by a lady named Kaz, who has been though much - it might be of interest.

I can't answer you question about alcohol, nobody can I guess. Used in excess it's poison, we both know that.

It doesn't sound from your posts that it's particularly effective as an anesthetic. I can't answer your question about redemption ether. I do know the people here have indeed suffered/are suffering and deserve better.

They are people, just like you find everywhere, they are likable, this whole place is, it's run by a desire to receive and give help.

What would help you?

Croix

[rustee_nails]

thanks.

i know alcohol is a depressant and is not going to help.

even if current medical textboooks still list it as a medicine (rarely).

i've tried everything to give up and i guess i just wanted

someone to tell me a beer is not going to trap me in this mental state for life.

but it probably is. i'm not stupid. i wake up, i feel bad, i drink, i feel better pass out & repeat.

this place has been helpful and i'll look for the booze thread.i think largely this place

is great for not making me feel alone ,even when i am

[rustee_nails]

i guess the topic header was meant to ask if i'm alone.

i've spent a good ten hours on this site and apart from people who did their duty,

the conversations i read sound like they are from completely innocent people.

i know this website is to talk about your problems.

but what if my problem is guilt that i deserve & will never get over?

i just wanted to know if anyone out there feels like they have a tarnished soul

that no amount of good karma will fix.

[Croix]

Dear Rusty Nails~

I'm not going to go into it but I have something that puts me in the same category - probably won't ever talk about it here. Have talked to my wife and psychiatrist -in clinical remote detail. And that's as far as it's gone.

I guess you are mainly interested in knowing how others deal with such things. The short answer is there is no full answer I know of. Maybe for those whom have a 'confessional' type religion there is a way. For me there is time, plus learning from the incident and that portion of my personality that led me into it.

Something that gnaws less now I'm getting on in years. While I always hear the phrase 'forgive yourself' I cannot grasp its meaning in this context. Also 'good deeds' do not make for a balance - at least consciously -for me.

To dredge up something positive from the above load of gloom. I dealt with matters in a different way from you, no booze. Tried for a 'normal' life. Mostly succeeded.

The closest I can say is I'm a different person, though saddled to some extent with the actions of a previous one - does that make sense?

There is a LOT in my life that is good, makes me happy, makes me feel loved. I don't think guilt has to go right away for that to happen.

Close enough for an answer? I can't give more, maybe some other brave soul can.

Croix

[rustee_nails]

its not that i feel the guilt has to go first,

its more that i'm scared i'll always been alone because the guilt will never go.

because the second i'm honest with someone

i see in their eyes that look of

wtf?

i'm stuck between faking the rest of my life like a brazilian nazi,

or bein treated like a complete loony the second i'm honest.

and i wish i didn't need to say a thing.i try to answer indirectly,

but people dig and i can't lie. it's one of the strongest bits of buddhism i believe in.

[NAG]

Rusted nails,

answering your question no your not alone i too believe that I have a tarnished soul so tarnished and like you alcohol is my anecdote. There has been a lot of bad things happen in my life but the guilt is the biggest Deamon.. just no you are not the only one out there I thought that was me as well. I have no answers or wise words just letting you no you are in company.

[Croix]

Dear Rusty Nails~

I've taken a long time to come back to you because your question and situation is hard. I'm a slow thinker at times, something the other day made it come to the front.

I guess the best I can come up with is this:

If a person does something small and wrong then just about anybody can relate and it's no big deal. It is part of their everyday experience - they know from habit how to handle it.

If a person does something major wrong then the above does not apply. It is outside the experience of most, and there is no simple accustomed path for them to follow. As a result ill-informed judgment and distancing sets in.

This is not helped by the dehumanizing process in society against many.

So what to do? Perhaps choose someone who is both well disposed and also has wide experience. Surprisingly enough I've talked to a couple of ex-prison officers who have been broad-minded, understanding and kind. Some policemen and ex-policemen are the same way. (I guess my background is showing:)

I met someone at City Mission once who was like that, had quite a following. So some are around.

Can't give you a better answer my friend,

Croix (who can understand your need to say)

[NAG]

Croix,

don't be so hard on yourself your journey brings your wisdom to these forums ... you are special and important you are beautiful inside and your heart and willing to help is enough.... remember past is that well that's all I got cause like rusty the bottle is the only thing that sticks..!!

[Croix]

Thank you NAG, that's a kind thought and I appreciate it. For you to be kind to me makes this a two-way deal, which is what I always hope for.

I read your thread. I understand a fair amount. Please don't ever think you are not welcome here. you said:

I now realise I have absolutely no reason to write

You do you know. To be straight, comfort from a bottle can be effective, but comes at a price. I'm not condemning or anything silly like that - I do understand, plus I'm saying something you know anyway.

If you can substitute - just a tiny bit - by coming here it is worth it. I want to help (and be helped) where I can, so do the others.

With a bottle there is you - and the bottle - and nobody else. I"m not sure peace can come that way, other than of the most temporary nature. Here there are others. Human contact is a needed balm - at least for me and I imagine for many, hopefully you too.

Please don't think I'm lecturing, I understand. I'd just like you to have a second arrow in your quiver of copings, even if a weak one.

We are all works in progress. There is no judgment. All cope one way or another. I've seen some horrible things, many have.

I'm tired and probably not making that much sense.

You have my best wishes and hopes

Croix