An introduction and saying hello [Trigger Warning: physical and sexual assualt]

[arap]

Hi everyone. I am currently going through a lot and dont really have anyone I can talk to.

In a nutshell, when I finally left my abusive husband I found out he was also abusing my children. He molested my daughter, whipped my older son with bamboo, terrified my younger boys and even managed to turn my middle son against his family who has now disowned the rest of us because we believed and backed my daughter when she finally disclosed her abuse. 2 weeks ago he was convicted for what he did to my daughter after a trial that has left her an emotional wreck to the point where she has self harmed. As I am the only adult and need to be the strength that holds everyone together I haven't been able to face or deal with the trauma from the abuse I was dealt, the trauma and horror and guilt that came with the realisation that my children also suffered at the hands of that monster, the trauma and stress of the trial and being torn apart by the defence lawyer, the grief that comes with one of my children being so brainwashed by my ex that he has disowned me, and the rest of my family and during the time all this is going on being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and all the fun things that go with that ...the list goes on and seems endless, but the bottom line is I feel like I am screaming on the inside but have to be the sole support system for my family so I just keep stuffing it down.

I am feeling very isolated and alone, physically restricted due to the RA and I guess even lonely, but at the same time I withdraw from everyone except my children, to the point where I won't or at least cant bring myself to answer my phone

Anyways, thats me. Its nice to meet you all - hope to chat with some of you soon

[startingnew]

Hello and welcome BB

thank you for sharing your story, i dont have alot of experience from your point of view but wanted to welcome you and help where i can.

it sounds like such a hard time for you all and im not surprised you feel the way you do to be honest

have you and your family got some supports in place at all? like regular counselling sessions? its important for you to have supports in place for yourself as well, your just as important as your kids.

Having dealt with and continue to deal with what you are as well as having physical ailments it can be really hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel and to want to reach out or be around other people. please know that both you and your kids are safe from harm now and you can heal- itll take time for sure but it is possible ( i was also Sexually abused in my past and while it is really hard to get through i can now see a light)

you sound like you need some support so im glad you have found us here too. Please try not to be too hard on yourself, perprtrators like these have a way of guilting people into thinking its their fault when its not. He knew what he was doing, there are no excuses for him.

please keep talking and know this is a safe place. we are here for you xox

[arap]

Thank you so much for your reply, I appreciate it more than you can know.

My daughter initially started counselling, but was told she was not allowed to discuss anything that happened to her due to the investigation and impending court case, so they wanted to concentrate on self esteem and anxiety issues instead but because it wasn't what she needed at the time she found it more frustrating than helpful so she stopped going. I requested counselling for my youngest boys several times but never heard back although each time they would say they had sent me letters when I would contact them again but I never got them. This could have been true as at one point my ex managed to redirect my mail so there was a lot I didn't receive. I did eventually get one of my boys into counselling but they only spoke to him twice before telling him that there probably wasn't any point in him going "as all boys his age would feel sad" if they were going through what he was. He told me in the car after that session that he felt they weren't taking him seriously so he didn't want to go back. He told me he would rather just go back and talk to the Dr again instead. He's only 14 but he's pretty switched on. I requested counselling right at the beginning thinking I'd need the support to get through everything but it took nearly a year for it to be offered to me and by that time I was so disillusioned with the system I turned it down. I first found my way to this site about 6 months ago but out of all the times I've sat there and looked at the joining page, this is the first time I managed to hit enter at the end and actually create an account so maybe that says something.

I don't know if there is a light out there for me or not, maybe once he has been sentenced I might see it, but I'm glad to hear you have managed to get to a place where you have found yours

[Quercus]

Hi Şarap and welcome to the forums,

I'm glad to see SN (Starting New) has reached out to you already. In the situation you describe you do need as much support as you can find.

On here we talk a lot about securing your oxygen mask first... Because how can you care for others if you are exhausted and hurting yourself.

I'm so glad you hit post.

Do you have the funds to access a psychiatrist for yourself and your kids?

Through Medicare you have a medical safety net. once your family has exceeded this the cost of services drops enormously. For example I attend weekly therapy with a psychiatrist and at the start of the year a session is about $150 but once I spend $1500 a session costs $16. With yourself and your kids needing therapy it wouldn't take long to reach this threshold. If you haven't already you can access this by logging onto mygov.

The benefit of a psychiatrist is they can also manage any medications and are doctors too so they are aware of any drug interactions (I'm considering your Rheumatoid Arthritis here).

I find it disgusting how easily doctors disregard mental health issues once trauma or physical illness and pain is involved. I know this from my own experience. I have Psoriatic Arthritis (an autoimmune arthritis similar to RA) and it took me years to be taken seriously.

The suggestion I have is to keep DEMANDING. You know yourself and you know your children. It is not ok for doctors to brush off symptoms. When you wrote how the doctor said "oh of course you're sad" it made me furious. I know this experience. Demand better. You deserve better.

I didn't trust my own instincts enough to demand help. To say no you are not listening. I'm NOT ok. Nor did I write here. Like you I read silently. I didn't have your strength. So so so proud of you for posting.

Is there a local women's health centre near you? They are a great place to find out what services are available especially for children. Or you can phone the helpline listed below to ask for advice regarding what services are available.

I'll stop here for now. But if you need to talk please write and I'll look out when I'm online. I may not understand your experience totally. But depression and arthritis I know from experience.

Time to demand help from a medical professional who listens Şarap. Keep trying please. The good ones are out there and you and your kids need and deserve this support.

Kind thoughts,

Nat

[startingnew]

Hi Sarap

I think Nat has pretty much just covered everything! (brilliant post btw Nat) and i dont have much to add to what she has written here.

i too want to say well done for posting here, it can be really daunting so its amazing youve hit post and reached out for some help

Please keep talking here as you need to 🙂

[arap]

Financially I'm not doing so great at the moment so seeing a psychiatrist or counsellor privately isn't an option for us.

Because my daughter was struggling with anxiety and depression prior to me leaving my ex and counselling didnt help (not that she ever disclosed the reasons behind her difficulties) I dropped everything and enrolled in a diploma course along side her and went back to school for a year to give her the moral support and confidence she needed. It worked out well in that she graduated and got her credentials, but it also meant that when everything came to light I was suddenly a single mother and a full time student. I used everything I had to keep us afloat and relocate but thought I would be able to start working after graduation and improve things, but my boys started having a lot of problems at school. They were so afraid their father would turn up and were so anxious about being there that my youngest started hiding in corners and behind bushes if he was made to go into the yard. I was working with the school counsellor trying to figure out what to do to help but naturally the other kids noticed and then the bullying started. My eldest was repeatedly shoved and pushed and punched in his privates. In the end teachers were picking him up off the floor on a daily basis. Finally he was king hit in the back of the head and knocked unconscious. After we got home from the hospital I contacted the school and the education dept and we agreed I should homeschool instead. It was about that time that my RA made itself known with my 1st major flare which isnt surprising given the correlation between RA symptoms and stress, so that and homeschooling pretty much put paid to my work aspirations and any hope I had of being financially secure

Im not sure how it is with Psoriatic Arthritis, but it took me about years to get a diagnosis of RA. I was looked on as a hypochondriac or someone looking to score pain meds by Drs many times until I finally found a Dr that put all of the individual things that were happening together and realised they were related. Of course by that point I was having a major flare and pretty much crawled into the Drs office and told him that I didnt know what was wrong but I was broken and everything hurt. He looked at me like I was a lunatic but to his credit he figured out what it was instead of dismissing me like all the Drs before him

Im not sure I actually answered the questions I set out to with this ramble..

[Quercus]

Hi again Şarap,

Rambles are good!

Homeschool! On top of everything else?! My goodness you're a supermum.

Right. I'm wracking my brain trying to think of where changes might be possible. If money is tight a small private school Steiner or Montessori is probably out. But it might be worth checking out anyway. Small school with a high care factor. Homeschooling is wonderful but no wonder you are exhausted! Something has to give and I worry it will be you.

There are psychiatrists out there who bulk bill. They are just harder to find.

Maybe if you went for family therapy your daughter might see by watching you talk that she is safe. Also it does take trial and error to find a therapist that you feel comfortable with. Maybe your daughter just couldn't relate to the therapist?

Oh goodness... This I understand completely.

"it took me about years to get a diagnosis of RA. I was looked on as a hypochondriac or someone looking to score pain meds"

Yep. PsA is the same. I couldn't walk properly or sleep and had a newborn. It was a nightmare. K10 checklist repeatedly came out as high risk. I ticked yes to the suicidal thoughts every single time and docs made excuses. Undiagnosed pain. Hypochondriac new mother.

It took years to be taken seriously. And then the hoops. Having to fail med after med until I qualified for the injections even with a diagnosis. Not to mention the costs of all the tests and specialists. I'm sure you know this too.

Worst of all is then you go from hypochondriac seeking drugs to the doctors ignoring your mental health "oh of course you're depressed and suicidal... You are in constant pain". Arrgh.

Rant over. But my goodness how I hate it.

Have you looked into Arthritis Australia at all? They do have groups that meet up and no doubt some have mental illnesses and pain management too.

That's my waffle. Not sure I made sense either but oh well I tried.

Nat

[Quercus]

PS.

Just checking have you done a search on this website?

www.yourhealthinmind.org

You can search for psychiatrists who can bulk bill by selecting it in the advanced search. But do phone and confirm before getting a referral ok?

[arap]

Thank you for the website! I will definitely give it a look

[startingnew]

Hi Sarap

I think Nats covered quite alot 🙂 i just wanted to stop in and see how you are travelling?