What would you consider physical or emotional abuse and how would you go about dealing with it?

[AmJp]

Hi, I'm in a bit of weird relationship, been together for 3 years and it's her first relationship. She comes from a really high-intensity household, a lot of yelling and so on, so obviously she follows suit in that behaviour. I, on the other hand, am a very calm and cool person and have a very hard time understanding her aggression.
Her aggression as you can probably tell comes out in some interesting ways, insults(calling me fat), pushing, silent treatment, threats (to end the relationship) and a couple angry hits when she lashed out.
I've never been physically hurt that bad, she has hit me but not to a point where I was sore and I can very easily walk away from the situation or stop the fight completely. I always try to stay calm when we are fighting and have never hit back, nor do I ever say anything mean.

From what I can understand, when we are fighting I always try to lighten the mood and put a smile on her face, which normally works for the time, but always comes back up later on as I am the bad guy.
There is also some more confusing things, like the other night we basically broke up and we live together so it was really awkward and now she has crawled back to me and acted like nothing ever happened, now she is really anxious because she doesn't understand why I am still upset.
This has happened quite a few time throughout the years too.

During a really bad time of depression in my life, she was there to recommend medication and did help a bit, but also during that time she also called me weak and that I was making it up and the likes.

In summary, it really seems to me that because of her upbringing she's very, "build a bridge and get over it", while I dwell on things a lot more. Because of that time in my depression and how she reacted I genuinely consider her a bad person and do resent her for it, still to this day she is very unempathetic and has said that she hates me, doesn't find me attractive and so on.
I'm not sure if I am wrong in my judgement of her though, she's tough and nasty but also a well put together person and she is also quite smart, she works a good job and has decent morals for her career at least, but it just seems to me that she is kind of a sucky person, whilst everyone else thinks she is an angel.

Honestly, I do feel a bit lost, am I the problem? Is my judgement inaccurate?
I don't know who to turn to and of course, I feel weak for considering what she says and does to me as abuse?

[Br1sbaneg1rl]

Hi AmJp,

I am in no way an expert but I just wanted to reach out and let you know that you are not alone.

I have been in what I’ve learned to be an emotionally abusive relationship myself and your last sentence was so familiar to me.

You are not weak. What you have described is abuse, emotional and physical and no one deserves that.

You sound kind and patient and you are not the problem. Your partner may be a product of her upbringing, however, that is no excuse.

I hope you’re ok.

Take care of yourself,

N

[Quercus]

Hi AmJp and welcome to the forums,

I know this sounds like I'm ignoring the abuse (yes it is and I think you know that too at heart) but I noticed the words you used to describe your partner most of all.

Read your post again and pick out the words you use to describe your partner.

Even the compliments sound like an effort to find. Words like resentment. Describing her as crawling back to you. These aren't the words of someone who values and desires and loves their partner.

No judgement here. I've been there too. Feeling trapped and trying to make excuses for behaviour that has no excuse.

How did I leave? I packed up and left. He was on my parents doorstep before I even arrived home. It was horrible and distressing. But worth it.

In hindsight I see myself using words like you are now. But beneath when I let myself be honest I realised I despised him.

You share a home. If you wish to leave this is a problem. Are you renting or buying? It would be worth finding out first how to separate all the bills. Ask family and friends for help and support. And if you decide to leave her the beat advice I can give from experience is make it a clean break. Leave. No contact. Delete her from any access to your life. Change your number. And escape.

Above all... Consider therapy. Three years is a long time to be belittled and judged and found wanting. Again... I know this. Please take care of yourself. Worst thing you can do is bury all the hurt deep and start fresh. That pain has a horrible way of creeping back up on you.

If you decide to stay. Time to stand up for yourself big time. And couples therapy. Because she won't change.

I hope you find improvement whatever you decide to do.

Nat

[Croix]

Dear AmJp~

I think you can see from the reactions of the others that have responded to you that your relationship is regarded as very one sided and probably quite corrosive. You seem to be doing all the giving and getting grief in return.

Look, in any good relationship both parties love - or at least like a lot - each other, want to be with each other, and want the best for their partner. There should be a feeling of security, and a conviction their partner will be there for them no matter what. In other words they look out for each other.

There is not much I can see in your description that sounds like this. for anyone with depression to be told it is a weakness show a monumental lack of understanding and empathy. To be physically hit is to be regarded as someone who is not worthy of respect or boundaries, and to be constantly blamed means the other is not prepared to see themselves for what they are or make an effort to do so

Like Nat I'd be surprised if she would change. You sound a considerate and caring person with a lot of patience and I suspect if that approach has not worked you will see it as your fault - which it is not. Maybe standing up for yourself might work - I don't know.

Is there anyone who's opinion you respect you can talk matters over with and get an outside perspective? A family member or close friend?

I would suspect that if matters continue on as they are you will come to really resent your partner and at the same time feel worse about yourself.

Croix

[AmJp]

Hey Br1sbaneg1rl, I really appreciate the reply and support.

[AmJp]

Hey Quercus, we are renting. I will admit most of the time we don't really like each other at all. In her eyes I am lazy and my lack of reaction to most things disturbs her when in reality I am just quiet and trying to process things.
Despite that, I genuinely do find her attractive and intelligent, however, I still have to decide whether that is worth being yelled at, or whether I am genuinely doing something wrong and since everybody on the surface sees her as an angel it's very hard for me to talk to them about it.
Thanks for the reply though and support!

[AmJp]

Hi Croix. Emotionally I can say without a doubt I do all the giving. Otherwise, gifts and the like I never really do, which ends in her thinking that I am very selfish and only think about myself, I do love giving but like I said with Quercus I have some memory problems and I don't really know what is wrong and again she doesn't believe me there either.

Like I said about her career though, I would say she doesn't entirely lack empathy for others, just for me, she thinks I am lying all the time and being "dramatic", which honestly I have given up on trying to fight that opinion and prove otherwise.

She does buy things for me and I don't really buy things for her, mainly because she doesn't really have any hobbies or anything exciting about what she does with her time. That leads me to believe that she does care for me but in a different way than I do for her. As I said I am definitely the emotional backbone of the relationship, although she doesn't really show any other emotions other than anger and frustration. I am always there for her if she asks for help or company but she still thinks she is lonely.

Instead of just picking out all her flaws though I'll open up a bit about my faults.
I love video games and spend a lot of my time and money on them, I grew up with them and tend to use it as a coping mechanism, which she HATES, big time.
If I am not gaming I am listening to music, hip-hop is my genre of choice, which she HATES, big time... again.
If I am not doing that its work or gym, which is a problem because to her because I like my work friends a lot and am very close with them which makes her uncomfortable and slightly jealous (although she is happy for me to be in a happy workplace).

I honestly don't care for most of what she has to say, we don't have a lot in common other than our sense of humour. I think I can be pretty messy and I know my memory is frustrating for everyone around me, but I don't think that it's a good reason to treat me that way.

Basically probably from your perspective we probably shouldn't be together, no common interests, genuinely don't really like each other and work at completely uneven times. It's all a mess, sorry to vent so much.
But honestly we are best friends, I don't know if it's from the sheer amount of time we spend together or some other connection, we know each other so well. I haven't really had any other friends since we started dating but now I do and I really love my new friend and we click quite well.

[AmJp]

Sorry I ran out of space like I said we are best friends in a weird way, we basically hate each other, her lack of hobbies bores me and my hobbies she hates, most of what she says I don't really listen to, I do tend to zone out as she does to me. Yet I don't know how to explain but I still like having her around as long as she doesn't really say anything. I don't know if it's some weird connection that keeps us together or why I consider us best friends at all when so much is wrong and really the only thing we share is love for food and a sense of humour.
I'm sure there is a perfectly sensible scientific explanation for what our relationship is, what would you consider it?

[White_Rose]

Dear AmJp

Welcome to Beyond Blue. I feel you have received some great information and support from the above people. I agree with all they have said. You know you are being abused. It's often the way that outsiders see the best in us because that's what we project. Your GF will usually seem a delightful person until you live together as you do and the cracks start to appear.

Let me tell you my story. I stayed with my husband for 30 years. His behaviour was similar to your GF except that he also used to put me down in public. Thirty years and four children later I left. The effect on my life has been dreadful. Ever since I left I have needed professional therapy. And yes, attempted suicide has been on the agenda. It's not just getting over living with him but the effect my marriage has had on the whole of my life. I do not trust anyone easily and it has taken several years to write about it on BB.

Writing has its own reward. I can let go of some of my hurt but underneath I am paddling like mad to appear calm on top. I am tired of seeing a psychiatrist and want to stop. Had I had the courage to leave earlier my life may have been very different. Unfortunately there is no way of knowing this and in any case it's of no use to think about it. All I can do is live with my present life. What I would like you to consider is how you feel now, at this time. Then think about living like this for the rest of your life, presuming your GF stays around.

I am sorry she had such a dysfunctional childhood. My husband and his siblings also had a dreadful upbringing. It does not give him or your GF the right to hurt me or you. Their anger, in general, is probably aimed at her family but you are in the firing line and will continue to be used as her punching bag. Is this what you want?

If she will agree to counselling she may change, but she must make this decision to work through the abuse she has received. It's not easy and will be hard on you probably for many years. It is not your problem. No doubt you would help but only if she is genuinely trying. You are none of the names she calls you and I amazed you have put up with it for so long. But then I am amazed I did this for so long.

Please have a long hard think about your future. Also please continue to write to us. We can and will support you.

Mary

[Croix]

Dear AmJp~

Well I guess you have described a most complicated relationship. On the one had you say your GF is 'sucky' (plus lots of other undesirable things ) and on the other that you love her and that you are best friends.

So what does she think?

You seemed almost to be calculation the 'worth' of your being together when you said "however, I still have to decide whether that is worth being yelled at". I'm not sure a union - as opposed to a living arrangement - can be calculated in that way. Normally overwhelming emotion puts such balances to one side.

I do think that not having hobbies and such in common is a red herring. Opposites do attract and can live very happily together.

So all I can say is that if you both do love each other then you need to learn to live together without causing your partner greif. Perhaps in that case counseling might be a start.

What do you think?

Croix