Am i the only one rejection consume

[Richie01]

This is my first time here and its come at the stage in my life where i have lost everything i love because i have pushed and pushed until they couldn't take it anymore.

Im try to get help but opening up is terrifying and only possible in small windows which never seem to be open at the right time. Its great for everyone to say get help, like its that easy!!! Truth is, ive been carrying my pain since i was six years old when my sexual abuse started. I have been almost re living the worst days of my life in my mind over and over in my head for the last five years, only having a chance to breathe in that small space between starting to drink and being too drunk to see reason. My partner who i love with all of my heart, bore the brunt of my fears and to be honest, i couldn't even see the effect i was having on her when i was in that state. I hate me for that.

When we met, for the first few years, things were great, she knew i had been abused but not in any detail. She was proud of me for being so strong and i guess at the time i was. Over time, after we had our three beautiful children, the intimacy between us died and the past just kept coming back. It was as tho every advance i made was rejected, i couldn't work it out. I put it down to me, not being good enough and all of the related feelings that go with it. Eventually, i feel i let all of my good intentions become a quest for a sexual connection again because for me, feeling rejected sexually had become a trigger.

To me, my abuser never rejected me, he is the only one who wants me. I dont know how this thought process manifested itself because there were reasons that explained the lack of intimacy but none seemed to take away the rejection i felt. So i would internalises it and push it away. We would make up for the outbursts i had in a quick fix till next time cycle. The thoughts never went away, the past grew more and more into my present. I feel like im going crazy, im panicking as i write this. I really dont know what to do. I just want to treat the ones i love like i want to, why do i let being raped as a child be the defining part of my life. It changes and rules everything.

I want to tell her everything. But the reason i couldn't for all of those years was that it would hurt her less to feel i felt rejected by her, to fight and make up for that than to let her see and feel the pain i do.

Has anyone else out there had those feelings? I feel like no one can understand and im alone in this.

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Richard

We are not here to judge you, judgement alludes to the fact, in my opinion, that I am perhaps better than you or know more than you and this is certainly not the case. Here I view myself as a friend chatting to give comfort, hope and sometimes to shine light on other angles that may have been overlooked, never to judge. Here we are all equal, all deserving of love and support Richard, this includes you.

You have done so much reflection and thinking and have had some really huge realizations. I think now with time and with some action you can really put the ways of the past in the past and start to make some other choices that make you feel happy with who you are. I think focusing on you, on making you stronger and working on the things that you are not so proud of and turning them into action is the way forward now. You may seek some assistance in doing these things, from a counsellor to guide you through this time.

Focusing on you and being the best version of you, focus on being the best father to you babies is what is important now. Sehra will see this and if she affords you the opportunity of a conversation and a chance to communicate then that is a wonderful wonderful bonus, but we cannot focus on "getting her back" as the destination for your healing. Making Richard the best version of Richard as a man and as a father I feel is the destination on your journey, would you agree with that?

I can hear you have put a lot of thought into empathising with how Sehra might be feeling and what she might be thinking, both now and on reflection from the relationship, the thing is though that you will never truly know the answer to these questions, thoughts and assumptions until you discuss them with her and give her a chance to speak and clarify. I feel that overthinking and wondering and running scenarios over and over, that may or may not be true can be really damaging to you. I know it is hard not to overthink this, but I think this is where focusing on you, what you do know and what you can change is key here..just my thoughts.

I can see how the sexual abuse has really caused you confusion in how you view sex, how it has impacted your sexual relationships and this is really devastating to hear. I think once again someone to talk to through these issues might be able to help you gain some clarity on this and some perspective, and healing too. I am so very sorry this has happened to you Richard.

Chat some more

Your friend Sarah

[Richie01]

Thanks Sarah,

Your right. I am overthinking everything and i am in a mindset that i want her back. I have to let her make the choices she needs and as much as it hurts, i am responsible for where our relationship ended up.

I think i always (even now) take the focus off of my problems by either making more manageable ones or putting all of my thoughts into another issue that takes away from my own. As much as i want our life back, it can never happen until i stop and learn to live with me. The sad truth is that i created the problems Sehra and i had to stop the truth about what was really going on from coming out. Maybe it was a conscious decision, i really dont fee it was but ultimately, as you said, in reflection, it really does seem that way.

I dont know what to expect, i need to do something i have avoided my whole life. Im scared of opening that door fully. I feel weak because lets face it, what was so bad about what happened? A bit of fun for someone. Thats all i was / it was. Maybe i should feel happy that someone actually wanted me for who i was even if it was just to satisfy them. Thats how i see it today. I feel like im going to lose it when i think about it so i accept it for what it was, and it was just me making someone happy. I Know its wrong but thats how it makes me feel. I know its not right but its the only way i can keep it together. Thats all ive ever been able to do to get by. I will be ok if i keep thinking along those lines. At least until the next time I cant lie to myself anymore and come face to face with it, when i cant lie anymore. It could be tomorrow or in ten years time but it always comes back. Every time worse than the last. Im on the edge right now, deal with my past and everything ive lost or revert back to all i know, all that kept me alive.

Thats where i am. Im a mess of anger, confusion, hope and fear. All of the hope, the want no to not run, to finally deal has a fear attached. All of the fear that makes me run like i have always done has no hope attached.

Ive always had bad experiences with getting professional help, I never found the right person, I could never get to the point where i could truly open up. I dont trust people and those i do trust, i dont want to burden or have their pity. I really dont know where to start but i have to somehow.

Sorry for all of this, i know im talking in circles but thank you for listening. I really do appreciate it and it helps a lot not feeling alone.

Richard

[Aaronsis]

Hi Richard

You are fine, and not going around and around in circles, however it comes out it comes out, at least it is coming out and I am really glad to hear that it helps alot and you are right, you are not alone, unfortunately there are many others here with the same experience as you, which is both horrific, heartbreaking and down right wrong. If talking is helping though then we will do that, share as much as you feel comfortable to Richard.

I hear what you are saying, that you direct the focus elsewhere, do avoidance, try to talk yourself into a situation where it is "acceptable" so that you can function. The thing is that it is not acceptable, it is not the only type of love you deserve, that was not love or even affection, it was abuse, from and adult who clearly has issues of their own and pain of their own and have now successfully transferred that pain and horror to an innocent child, who now as a man is struggling to process this and live a happy life. What part of that do you deserve Richard, none of it..it was not your fault, it was not your choice and you did not deserve that.

I understand what you mean in that in the past you have not managed to put this abuse in the right place and it does come back, worse than before and unfortunately until you have managed to heal from this it will rear its ugly head. I know in the past you haven't had success with finding the right help, therapists are people too and just as we don't connect with every one in life we too have to find the right person to connect with to really make a difference in our healing. I was lucky, I found a connection with the first person I talked with, but it may take four or five therapists until you can make that connection and then that is when the healing happens, please don't lose hope, you are worth the fight, your relationship is worth the fight and your children are worth the fight. You can be happy, you can have successful sexual and intimate relationships again Richard, with the right help. I am wondering how you would feel about contacting The Blue Knot? I think this would be a great starting point, what do you think?

I am so happy to chat to you and to help you think this process through and be here to listen to you and support you, to help you give back that pain and that abuse to the owner, which is not you. To also give you a voice to sit and tell Sehra your feelings for her, what has happened to you and what you are doing to heal.

You are so brave

Sarah

[Richie01]

Thank you Sarah,

I’m not saying I’m there yet but the words you say are truely how I feel inside. It’s a hard step letting go of what I know, accepting the truth. I know it’s a step i want and need to take. It’s just a step I always get to and back away from. I’ve been so scared of letting anyone know what I see, I feel like I can go to a place that no one else can go in my mind. A place no one should have to go. I want to stop going there. It’s taken me the best part of thirty years to get here, the whole time, I’ve never forgotten a thing. It’s no way to live building up enough energy every day to smile while inside you are crying out for something, anything to take away the feelings. I do what I do and act the way I act because I’m on the edge of falling and some times the smallest of things feels like enough to take away the strength I have to endure.
I will fight for my family, I want to fight for me. I just keep fighting myself, that’s the problem. How can I move past if I can’t accept that it’s the past. I know it is, it just feels so fresh in my mind. I just want to forget, I’m calm about it today and I feel like it’s possible, tomorrow could be the opposite and all of the reason I see today will mean nothing. I live with that every day, the good days are so great but even on the beautiful days, I know they will not last as much as I wish with all of my heart that they would.
I have dialled the blue knot number so many times, I just can’t press call. I don’t know why, I know I’m scared to start this but I’m more scared of losing everything I want to fight for.

Can I ask, how would you tell someone you love so much that you have hidden so much. That as honest with them as you wanted to be, you could never expose them to this. Love is supposed to know no bounds but it was love that made me not want to put her through knowing how much I hurt inside. Only at the end, could I ever find a way through. That losing her, seeing the hurt I had caused, that’s true pain. It just feels so wrong to say I couldn’t do this with her but the last thing I want is to do it without her.

I know now isn’t the time, I need to be the me my family deserves and maybe I never will be but I owe her the truth.
Thank you for your time Sarah, i have never had a reply to the questions in my mind. I’m not ok but somehow, something as simple as a reply from someone with no benefit from replying, nothing to gain, that has truely changed a belief I had about people.

Richard

[Aaronsis]

Hello Richard

I have no doubt at all the level of fear, how terrified you must be to have to open your mouth to say the words out loud, to get some support, I have just looked up The Blue Knot Foundation and they actually have email based support too, this could be a really great start for you, to do with them what you are sharing here with me, yet they can give you tools and techniques that I know nothing about, here is the email address:

[email protected]

I am so sorry to hear you are in a battle with yourself about this, that the memories of this hideous event are as raw and vivid as if it was yesterday, that you live with this pain hidden under the surface every day of your life, and just smile to get through the day. This is not living Richard, this is heartbreaking to hear you are just keeping your head above water, meanwhile your legs are going one thousand miles an hour to keep you just going. How dare a person take the joy and happiness of you life away from you, how dare they.

To answer your question, there are two ways that you can communicate with Sehra, to let her know what has happened to you, why you react the way you do, why you hurt the way you do. The first way is to write, write her a letter and sit with her while she reads it. Make some time with her, have the children looked after so it is just you and her. You might not do this until you have sought some professional support so you can have someone to counsel you through this time, and after the moment when she reads the letter, it will be hugely emotional for you both. The other way is to pre record you talking and you can talk through the things you want to tell her, but with out the pain of the face to face pressure, perhaps shame, guilt, all the reasons why you have never opened up to her in the past. I am not sure if either of those work for you.

The reasons why you should share this with her is because you love her, so very much. Let her support you, let her cry with you, let her see who Richard is and why he struggles with some aspects of a relationship. This is not you, the abuse is not you, it was a crime and abuse that happened to you and it was not your fault. But you do this in your time Richard as it will be tough, but I feel very important.

I am glad that your faith has been restored here, you are right, we have no reason to be here other than we care, we want to support others and help reduce the pain.

Here for you my friend, chat soon.

Sarah x

[Richie01]

Hi Sarah,

Thanks for your advice. I will try the idea of the letter, It will be better than trying to talk.

I have not spoken to her in any form other than a brief message about calling the kids for about two weeks. She asked for space and at the start i struggled to give her that, i was trying to fight for us but i was and feel like i still am the only one who is. Maybe im wrong but eight years of talking every day and to just have that stop. Ive lost my best friend and my soulmate because of this but that is truly how see her, she is the complete picture of everything i have ever wanted. I struggle to even accept that i let myself push her away let alone fact that i did it over and over. I feel like i have failed her and the kids by not facing my past, I just dont know how any words could ever make up for the damage i have unwillingly yet so purposefully caused. I dont want her to forget everything and things go back to normal, i want to be the man she deserved all along. I just hope there is a way i can show her that but i wont give up.

Im struggling to get help, ive had a couple of video appointments but it really doesnt feel right. Maybe im expecting something i shouldnt be, i feel like i need a connection of sorts with someone in order to talk openly.

I dont know even where to start, i feel like i just want to et everything out in one session and deal with the repercussions afterwards. Yet everyne wants to talk about the coping mechanisms that 'we' can explore. I dont want that yet, i just want to not cope, to be a crying mess and let everything out. I want to destroy every guard i have about it and let the worlld know how not ok i really am. Im fighting myself from every angle right now and have no hope of winning. Is it ok to feel that way? Am i alllowed as a person to want to do that, to be angry, to be broken first? I feel like the world wants me to learn to be a better person but wont let me hurt. Ive spen my whole life hiding the hurt. I need to let it out!!!

Thank for your support and sorry if this is all too much, i reay dont have any other way to express mysef at the moment.

[Boobella]

Ritchie, your words sound a lot like my own inner voice. I feel your pain. Don't give up on yourself. You are worth it. It's really hard to work through the shit that was done to us as a child. I just finished a wonderful course for survivors, and it helped me immensely. I bet there's one somewhere near you. I found it when I spoke with victims services NSW.

Speaking for myself, the problem is once you finish the course, counselling, support etc, you're stuck with yourself. And sometimes it's very hard to love yourself. Just take it one day at a time and you do what's right for you (obviously providing it doesn't harm anyone else). And for my two cents - don't give up if you don't like the first counsellor, keep trying. It took me about 20 before I found one I felt I could trust and get the support I needed (and even then, I still sabotage myself. A lifetime of avoidance has to have some ongoing impacts.)

Depending on what state and access you have, you may be eligible for victim's support, which can cover the cost of the counselling you need to help you work out how you want to live the rest of your life.

[GimZim]

Boobella said:

And for my two cents - don't give up if you don't like the first counsellor, keep trying. It took me about 20 before I found one I felt I could trust and get the support I needed

This has been my experience too. I saw a doctor and asked to be referred to a psychiatrist, particularly one that deals with trauma if that was possible. I was very lucky that my psychiatrist is fantastic. He was adamant that if I didn't feel comfortable with the first psychologist he sent me to to come straight back and ask to see another one, even went so far as to say he would "break up" with the psychologist for me if I was too uncomfortable.

I had a good psychologist who went on maternity leave but the one covering her made me feel very uncomfortable. I had to wait a bit before I could see someone else but she's been invaluable. It can be really difficult to find the right one but it's worth the trouble. And if there's anything you feel would make you more comfortable (say, seeing a male psychologist) let your doctor know.

My first psychiatry session was basically a breakdown where I blurted out all my experiences while he occasionally asked questions so I definitely get where you're coming from, Richie. After a lifetime of bottling it's bound to happen, you might feel a weight lifted after, I certainly did.

[Richie01]

I’d say it’s a relief to hear someone else has the same inner voice but it shouldn’t be a relief, no one deserves this voice. But it does have some sentiment to it to know I’m not alone in my emotions.
I think I agree completely with the self sabotage comment. It’s probably the most consistent trait I have. To succeed gives hope, to think you can succeed is more dangerous because when I don’t, it’s just another scar to carry. People can see the other scars, they think they are bad, if they only knew how much relief they gave at the time.... if they knew what I put myself through every day.. anyway, that’s me, I do that because I don’t know any other way, I dont physically hurt myself any more. It’s too hard to hide. But I can feel it is something that could be creeping back, I just need something, anything to stop my mind from doing what it does best. That’s life 🙂

I don’t need a handout, im ok financially, I’m surprised how well I’ve been able to do. I actually find it to be the one place where I can function. I feel wanted or needed here, it kind of makes a difference even if it is just as a number on the payroll. I’m worried I’m going to screw it up tho, I can’t shut off what’s going on and it’s really starting to take a toll on my work life. I work away, only have a week till I go home, well not home, that’s gone but back to normal life I guess. I’m not looking forward to it. I’m actually starting to panic a bit at the thought of it to be honest.
sorry if I keep rambling on. I don’t know how this forum is supposed to work. I’m probably doing it wrong, am I? Sorry if I am, I just don’t know how else to talk about all of this, now I’m panicking that I’m screwing this up too. I should stop making my problems everyone else’s. It’s no one else’s problem. I’m being too open but I can’t stop. I hate who I am. I hate everything about me. My kids are the only good part of me. They deserve so much more.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Richie01,

Thanks for reaching out. You're doing the forums 'right' if you ask us. Please don't feel that you are screwing this up, you're not. These forums are for people to reach out to each other and seek and offer support. You're in need of support right now, so we are all here for you. We are also reaching out to you privately to offer you some extra support. 

We're so sorry to hear that you hate everything about yourself at the moment. We think that you are so strong with everything that you have come through. We also think you're a sensitive and caring person. It's wonderful to hear how much you love your kids and we're sure that you're a great parent and that you do your best.

Please know there is always help available to you Richie. You can call Beyond Blue and speak to a counsellor anytime from anywhere within Australia on 1300 22 4636. You might also like to reach out to our friends at MensLine (also available 24/7) on 1300 78 99 78.

Please do keep checking back in with us here to let us know how you're doing whenever you feel up to it.