Can’t feel anything 2 years after trauma

[AdriftAnnie]

Hi,

I’ve posted on these forums a few times about being violently assaulted by my husband, one afternoon 2 years ago. Since then I’ve tried medication and therapy. They were somewhat helpful, until they weren’t anymore. Mostly I just cope by not thinking about it. I have no feelings about it really, but the trouble is I have no feelings about anything else either. I have young children so this is problematic.

If my children cry I will comfort them because I know that is what they want, but I don’t feel anything when they cry anymore. I feel defective and broken. I feel like I’m not a real mother. I take care of their needs, but the connection isn’t there. I’m not really interested in life or the future. I don’t care about anything. I used to be so close to my family, but I just feel disconnected from everyone now ... and not because of the social distancing rules. I have felt this way for at least a year.

Is this normal after a traumatic experience? Should emotional numbing really last this long? Does anyone have any idea what I can do? I feel lost.

[Guest_1643]

Hey Annie,

You've come to the right place, I think, posting here in the trauma/ptsd section.

I think emotional numbing can last long, until the person feels safe in their mind to confront it. I feel sad to read that you feel broken.

It's so hard to feel like going through the motions, like some level of connection is messing. I also felt like this, for actually about three years, and convinced myself I was actually doing quite well.

Trauma works in weird ways and sometimes pushes us in the wrong direction.... but eventually, I think, healing can come

[White_Rose]

Dear AdriftAnnie

Welcome to the forum. This is a good place to talk about the traumatic happenings in your life. Like Sleepy21 there are many who have had similar experiences to you including me. The emotional flatness you describe is a normal reaction to trauma. Trying to make yourself feel anything will not work, it is a matter of time.

As Sleepy has commented that feeling of loss of connection is hard to manage. So what can you do. May I suggest that first up you stop trying to feel anything. This will come and you will grieve over the past. It's a bit like putting a dressing on a wound to stop infection. In this instance it is to stop anyone or anything causing you further pain.

I think it will help talking/writing on this forum. Knowing others have been down this path can be helpful. It is unfortunate you have found therapy is not working. This is also normal. When we get too close to reliving something it is instinctive to want to leave that door closed. Regretting the loss of connection with your children and family members could be seen as a hopeful sign. You have not been interested in making these connections up til now so perhaps the numbness is starting to crumble.

I do hope this is the case though I will add that it's a painful road to travel. Once we let the world back in everything changes. As Sleepy has said, Trauma works in weird ways and sometimes pushes us in the wrong direction.... but eventually, I think, healing can come. You will need as much support as you can get. I have not read any of your previous posts so I don't know what happened that day. No need to repeat this, especially if it hurts.

What many people have found helpful is keeping a journal. I often say it is better to handwrite this as it keeps you more in touch the what's happened or happening, but if writing on your computer is more comfortable please do this. Keep dates on your jottings but don't re-read them for a month. Just write as often as possible. Having that little distance can be useful. When you do look back I think you will be surprised at your own insights.

In the meantime please keep talking to us here.

Mary

[Guest_1643]

Hey Annie,
How are you going with it all?
Thank you Mary for such beautiful, trauma-informed suggestions.
I also want to recommend the book by (I've certainly got his name wrong) Bessel Van de Kaulk - The Body Sets the Score.

It helped me feel less alone and has some great insights into what works and doesn't work in addressing trauma. Hope everyone is having a decent day x

[AdriftAnnie]

Thank you both for your responses. I think you are both right and that it will take time. I almost feel like my husband stole something from me that day. I was a good mum. I was affectionate and present. Now I can barely stand to be touched. He wasn’t a good dad or husband, but after what he did and the punishment he received he’s a new man. He’s happy and calm and he is connected to them in a way he never used to be. I shouldn’t resent him - they have a good father now - but I can’t help it. He has everything he wants and I’m left feeling like a visitor in my own life. I’ve never actually expressed these feelings before so maybe you are right, Mary, and some of the numbness is dissipating. I hope so.

Anyway, thank you both for responding. Your kindness really helped me today.

[AdriftAnnie]

Thanks for checking in. I had an okay day. It always feels good when someone responds with kindness, so thank you again. I will definitely look up that book!

I hope you’re safe and well x

[White_Rose]

Thank you for kind words. I do not return posts very quickly as I am unwell. This is a physical illness but I have also been where you are now and it's not nice. I will post as often as I can.

I can relate to your feelings that your husband has come through the experience much better than you. When I left my husband I felt my children were angry with me. They had all left home by then and were starting families of their own. I have never told them the reasons for leaving and now, 20 years down the track, it not only seems pointless but will not make anything better. I am slowly healing. It's taken a long time because other traumas also happened. For a while I felt that nothing of any use or goodness would ever happen to me. Maybe I was not worthwhile.

Like you I spent a long time in therapy. I did see a psychiatrist but I have always said the best help I had was from my GP. She is an amazing person. Now I feel whole again. It will happen. Does your husband still live with you? I ask because I can see how it could increase your trauma or at least prevent you from healing. Maybe now you are starting to come out of the deep freeze you have lived with for so long it's time to go to another therapist.

Keep writing.

Mary

[Guest_1643]

I am sorry to hear the toll it has taken on you, and fully understand your sense that something was taken.
I struggle very much with seeing how abusers can often win, but if you are able to heal, sometimes the inner strength, self awareness and power you gain, means you can, in the end, "win."
I'm glad you're here. It's great that you are asking these questions and seeking help, it's a major step in getting there. Definitely takes time.

[White_Rose]

Hello Annie and Sleepy

It does seem unfair when the perpetrator of a trauma thrives afterwards and lives a fulfilling life while you are left to pick up the pieces. Been there. I still get angry at times and perhaps have a childish temper tantrum. I know the person who made my life hell is flourishing. Why should he get off?

I think the first thing we need to accept is that what has happened or not happened to the other person is nothing to do with us. We have no control over someone's life and actions. Neither do we have control over any retribution for that person. I know it's hard and often we can feel that if we were to mete out some punishment or other we would feel better. Sadly that's not the case. In fact it's quite the reverse. I know it sounds silly to say but I believe we would also feel guilty if we could determine a suitable punishment.

This is why it is the duty of the law and those who are there to protect us who must determine the punishment. Of course many of our hurts do not end up in court and it is this feeling of frustration and anger that causes us to want revenge of some sort. I know I felt like that and sometimes still do.

While we are focused on the other person and what should happen to them we are ignoring our own needs. This is the important and necessary part of healing, caring for ourselves. I know it's not easy to say ignore the other person but one way we can do this is to look at ways we can heal ourselves. You never know, the other person may feel disgruntled because we have healed and maybe that person has not. So if you can, please change your thoughts about the other person by concentrating on your own life. That is the most important part.

To do this we may need the help of someone such as a psychologist or psychiatrist. As I said, my GP helped me the most. Annie I know you felt it was not helping but maybe try again. You have come a long way even though you may not realise it. Chat to your GP and ask for a referral to another therapist unless you feel particularly drawn to the person you saw previously.

Start your journey from here with the thought that you will no longer be the victim. You will take charge of your life. A victim is weak and powerless, too self absorbed to look ahead or around and can remain stuck in that spot for a long time. I hasten to add I don't see you as weak because you are getting on with your life. Let someone in to help you along this part of the journey.

Mary

[AdriftAnnie]

Thanks Mary. My husband actually spent 5 weeks in prison for breaching the avo after the assault. He spent weeks trying to get me back and threatening suicide when I resisted. Eventually he started threatening me. I think the punishment was just. He doesn’t. He called me from prison every day crying telling me I had to get him out of there and that he was being beaten up. It was honestly the most horrible time of my life. I felt so sorry for him that I supported him in court and wrote him a character reference. After he was given a suspended sentence and community service, the police prosecutor berated me and made me feel that it was my behaviour that was to blame and that I was the reason my husband went to prison. Soon after I saw a new psychologist who also told me I was to blame for my husband’s violence. My self esteem is pretty low, so it’s easy to entertain the thought that they are right.

I’ve been through a lot in my 15 years with him and so it is hard to actually feel like I’m powerful enough to do anything about my situation. He is back at home with us, a new man. He doesn’t get angry anymore and he seems genuinely grateful to have a second chance. I let him come home in spite of my family and how they feel and how he hurt them. I let him come home in spite of myself. I always thought that one day he would do something so terrible to me that a switch would go off in my head and I would just leave. And then he did do something so terrible to me, after years of doing terrible things to me, and I still haven’t left. I can’t explain it, but it seems the more he hurts me, the harder it is to leave. Every psychologist I have been to wants me to end the relationship, so I end the sessions instead because I can’t do it. I’m not strong enough. I appreciate you saying I’m not weak or a victim, but I am. I’ve lost the respect of everyone in my life because of this decision. My family are so ashamed that I’ve let him come home that they lie to my extended family and say we’re not together. It is an absolute mess and I am to blame.

Once the pandemic is over I will go to my GP. I guess it can’t hurt to keep trying. Anyway, thanks for your wise words. They really gave me something to think about tonight.