Am i the only one rejection consume

[Richie01]

This is my first time here and its come at the stage in my life where i have lost everything i love because i have pushed and pushed until they couldn't take it anymore.

Im try to get help but opening up is terrifying and only possible in small windows which never seem to be open at the right time. Its great for everyone to say get help, like its that easy!!! Truth is, ive been carrying my pain since i was six years old when my sexual abuse started. I have been almost re living the worst days of my life in my mind over and over in my head for the last five years, only having a chance to breathe in that small space between starting to drink and being too drunk to see reason. My partner who i love with all of my heart, bore the brunt of my fears and to be honest, i couldn't even see the effect i was having on her when i was in that state. I hate me for that.

When we met, for the first few years, things were great, she knew i had been abused but not in any detail. She was proud of me for being so strong and i guess at the time i was. Over time, after we had our three beautiful children, the intimacy between us died and the past just kept coming back. It was as tho every advance i made was rejected, i couldn't work it out. I put it down to me, not being good enough and all of the related feelings that go with it. Eventually, i feel i let all of my good intentions become a quest for a sexual connection again because for me, feeling rejected sexually had become a trigger.

To me, my abuser never rejected me, he is the only one who wants me. I dont know how this thought process manifested itself because there were reasons that explained the lack of intimacy but none seemed to take away the rejection i felt. So i would internalises it and push it away. We would make up for the outbursts i had in a quick fix till next time cycle. The thoughts never went away, the past grew more and more into my present. I feel like im going crazy, im panicking as i write this. I really dont know what to do. I just want to treat the ones i love like i want to, why do i let being raped as a child be the defining part of my life. It changes and rules everything.

I want to tell her everything. But the reason i couldn't for all of those years was that it would hurt her less to feel i felt rejected by her, to fight and make up for that than to let her see and feel the pain i do.

Has anyone else out there had those feelings? I feel like no one can understand and im alone in this.

[Aaronsis]

Hello Richie01

Firstly I wanted to say welcome, to the forum and this wonderful community, here I hope you feel the support, the care and that we are here to listen and to help you through this time, it is so very brave to share your pain and your story and I am so beyond sorry that as a child you had to experience the most horrific of acts that a child can experience, I am so sorry.

From reading your story though can I say, you are so very emotionally intelligent and you have a very good understanding of your feelings, of your actions and how what you are feeling and responding impacts your daily life and your relationship with your partner. This was so wonderful to read that you know how the past behaviors have impacted your ability to relate openly to your partner, how they impact your ability to have intimacy with your partner, knowledge is such power Richie01. So what to do with this knowledge and turn this into healing and into a way that you can share this pain and the events openly with your partner so she too can respond to you in the way you need and so she too can learn and get the full picture of you and to help you on your way to happiness.

I am not going to say I understand how you feel and that I know how hard it is for you, I do not, I am just so sorry that you have gone through this. I am also sorry that the pain and now turned you to alcohol to get some relief. I know you understand and know that sometimes the drinking can lead to making the original issue harder to manage so I am not going to go on about that, however, if you can try to limit and start to make moves to reduce the amount of alcohol you are consuming that will be a start. While the pain and the emotions may start to feel worse or elevated without the mask of alcohol, you can start to deal with these with the right support and guidance.

I believe that telling your partner everything is very wise, to share with her as much as you feel comfortable to, to let her understand that your reactions and actions are coming from a place of pain and this is not who you are, this might help her to to understand the intimacy issues and gives you a chance to discuss with her how to get your connection back on track. You may even need to seek the support of a professional to have these conversations with her so that you can get some support.

I hope to chat some more to you.

I think you are so very strong and very brave, more than you know or allow yourself credit for.

Hugs

Sarah

[Sophie_M]

Hi RIchie,

First of all thank you so much for reaching out and sharing this with us today. We know taking that first step isn't easy and it was very brave of you to do so. And so very important.

We're sorry to hear of your childhood sexual abuse and how it continues to affect you in your daily life. We want you to know we're here to give you as much advice, support and coversation as you need.

Our Support Service is trying to reach you via email as we are worried about you.

Please know there is always help available to you Richie. You can call Beyond Blue and speak to a counsellor anytime from anywhere within Australia on 1300 22 4636. You might also like to reach out to our friends at Relationships Australia on 1300 364 227 or MensLine (also available 24/7) on 1300 78 99 78.

Please do keep checking back in with us here to let us know how you're doing whenever you feel up to it.

[Richie01]

Thank you. I don’t really know what to say. I wasn’t sure if the responses I would get would be how I imagined them. I have it in my head that everything I feel is something that a man should just deal with. A couple of years ago my father asked me if I was making up the story of what happened to me when I tried to talk to him about it. We never had a strong bond, it completely disappeared that day. Since then, I’ve been worse than I ever had been. I’m so tired of holding it together, I feel like every day something bad is going to happen, I don’t know what but a fear is there every day, like someone is watching me, like if I’m not on guard, I’m exposed.
It has been worse since my partner and I separated two months ago. All I do is focus on what I’ve become. I see the things now that I didn’t even realise I was doing. I love her with every part of good in me I have left. My children and her are everything but they are gone. I really want to talk to her about it, I don’t think it will change anything tho. I feel like for me, happiness ended a lifetime ago. I was stupid to think I deserved what I had. I can just hear him saying those words over and over. That I’m his, that no one will believe me, that if I don’t do what he wants when he wants he will hurt my sisters, that I’m his and no one else will ever want me. I’m so numb to it at the moment yet when I type that, It’s like I can smell and feel his breath on the back of my neck and I feel physically sick. I don’t understand it. How can I be too scared to sleep almost thirty years later. How do I tell her that. What does that change? I honestly want her to be happy, I know that probably isn’t going to be with me, I hate to but have to accept that. I don’t want her to see that pain but I don’t want her to think she caused what happened. Maybe I should just vanish. My family deserves a life of happiness.
I havnt had a drink in the 8 weeks and three days since we separated. God knows I want to, just one night where I don’t feel this. That’s all I want. But it does make it worse so I don’t. I wish I had been able to do that so long ago. Before I let it hurt the person I love.
I don’t know who I am anymore, I can’t sleep or eat. I force a small meal at night to stop myself feeling sick and sleep, it’s not a decision, it happens only when I’m too exhausted to stay awake. I hate what I see when I close my eyes.
sorry, I didn’t mean to type such a dark reply, thank you for taking the time to respond.
Richard

[Sophie_M]

Hey Richie,
Thanks for checking back in with us. We can hear how overwhelmed and hopeless you feel right now and we are so sorry. If you feel up to it, would you tell us more about your relationship with your partner? We can hear how important she is to you. It might be worthwhile for you to tell her how you've been feeling these past 8 weeks and from what you've said she sounds like an accepting person who would be willing to listen. We know how difficult it is to share these aspects of your life and we commend you for doing so. We would recommend contacting the Blue Knot Foundation Helpline on 1300 657 380 or by emailing helpline@blueknot.org.au (from 9am to 5pm AEST.) The Blue Knot Helpline provides information and short term counselling nationally via telephone for adults survivors of childhood abuse. They also have a number of factsheets on their website you might find useful. Please let us know in your next post how we can best support you here on the forums and if there are strategies you've used in the past to help in difficult moments like this. 

[Aaronsis]

Hi Richard

It is nice to know your name and I am so proud of you, never apologize for what you have said here, what you have said takes so much courage, so much bravery and I hope more than anything that it starts to form a picture for you, so that you can know start to put the pieces of this picture together and see the real you, Richard, a man who has suffered a horrendous childhood rape and who lives with fear, anger and disgust every day. Well the thing is that it is not you and it is not who you are, it is trauma that has happened to you and it does not define you. It also does not get to make you feel like less of a man, and it is not something you should just "deal with"..no..this is real, this happened to you and I am so very sorry your father did not acknowledge this event, but I believe you , I hear you and I am so sorry this happened to you.

Now it is time to start to take back your life and you are already on the path and I am so proud that for the past 8 weeks you have not had a drink, when this is a time you could have really turned to the bottle and you have not, this is so fantastic and I am thrilled for you, that is so hard to do so well done Richard, well done.

I think in the past 8 weeks you have done some real reflection and had some huge realizations about you and about your relationship and I think that is so healthy, as you said, you are realizing things you did in the relationship that you had no idea you were doing, how wonderful is that, it means you can address them and correct them. These are the things that you will continue to work on and in time, when you are able to you will talk to your partner and she will see that you have done some work, some serious work, and regardless if there is a future together or not, you have children together and from a mother's view point how awesome that their father is healing and growing.

With some professional help I believe you can find Richard, the real Richard, who is buried under all this pain but who is slowly raising his head. With the right support you can learn that you are not to blame, you are not "HIS", you never were and never will be, "HE" is exposed now, the secret is out, he is responsible for this horrendous crime and he owns it, give him back that pain, that is his to carry, not yours anymore.

I am running out of words here but hope to chat some more to you, to help you chat to your partner too.

I believe you and you matter, you are so brave and so strong.

Hugs

Sarah

[Richie01]

Hi. We aren’t talking. She is seeing a counsellor who says she should leave me. That’s pretty much all the info I know. I would like to think telling her the truth would make a difference but I also feel like she will feel betrayed that I havnt done anything to stop me emotionally hurting her for so long. I never meant to hurt her, i love her. I just couldn’t stop pushing her away even tho it’s the last thing I wanted. I want better for her, I think in a way I wanted her to hate me so it was easier for her to say goodbye. But I regret every single thing I have done.
I can’t change who I am, I don’t deserve a person, a family as special as what Had.

Sehra is the only person I ever felt comfortable with sexually, I didn’t feel threatened or anything negative. I couldn’t stand sex until I met her, not always but I couldn’t be with someone for too long and it would lead to the feelings I couldn’t stand. With Sehra, when we were intimate, it was the only time I ever felt loved, not used. i love her yet I made her feel like I didn’t care.
ive been admitted to a mental health hospital before, three or four times actually. All suicide related as ashamed as I am to admit it. I don’t want to die, I just can’t stand the memories, the doubt, the guilt. It consumes everything I am and everyone I care about. I learned to hide my feelings in the past, to get out of those places where even though you are there for help, you are reminded every second of why you are there and it destroys you inside. I don’t know what I need, I cope by running, by removing anyone from my life I may have to explain myself to and rebuild my life on a lie. I couldn’t do that with Sehra and the kids, I didn’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I want to talk but typing is about as much strength as I can gather, I feel almost paranoid, like someone will hear me. I hate feeling this shame. I just want to be anyone else.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Richard,  Thanks for letting us in and sharing more about your partner with us. We understand it takes a lot of strength to share these thoughts and feelings. Please know there is no problem that cannot be overcome with the right treatment and support around you.
We’d like to talk through some additional support options with you offline, could you check your email? You’ll have one waiting from our team there.

Thanks again for posting, Richard. We hope to hear from you soon.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Richard

I hear what you are saying about Sehra seeking some support and her counselor suggesting she should leave you. I think that this is a snapshot of perhaps a lot of sessions she has been attending and I would like to think that the counselor would be encouraging Sehra to make her own decisions and helping her to discover what is best for her.

You say that you haven't done anything while you have been apart to stop you emotionally hurting her, what does that look like to you? I would like to suggest that you are here, very remorseful, talking, trying to figure out the way forward, that is huge. Sophie M has suggested Blue Knot to you and I think that too is a really great place to start, I know you said that you struggle with seeking support and that it makes you lie to avoid and get out of the situation, can I suggest that you also haven't been in this space before and maybe now you are ready to receive this help and support now?

I think you can change who you are and you are already doing that, you do deserve her and your children and you deserve to be happy, you don't get to let "HIM" win this time, enough, now it is time to take back you and your family.

You mentioned that you push people away that you hated any sexual experience and I can most certainly understand that, the fact you can acknowledge that you made Sehra feel that you didn't care is also another step forward in your self awareness and another step forward to mending this relationship.

Please do not feel shame about your feeling suicidal in the past and that you have had hospital stays in relation to suicide, I am just so proud that you are safe, that you did speak up and get some support and someone heard you. It makes me so very happy to hear that you don't want to die, that you want the pain to go away, I am so pleased to hear that Richard. Once again, those deep, painful thoughts are not who you are and I am just so happy for you that you were able to reach out and someone helped you.

If typing is as much strength as you can gather at this time then you keep on typing, we are here to sit with you and support you through this time. I can't help but feeling that this thread is something you could one day show Sehra, there would be no other words required as here you have been so open and honest that it captures everything you have wanted to tell her, that you feel and that you want her to know. I wonder if you would consider that?

Sarah

[Richie01]

Hi Sarah,

Thanks for the reply, Its so strange to not feel judged.

In relation to not doing anything to emotionally hurt Sehra since we broke up, I actually meant that when we were together i didn't do anything. I feel like i have failed her because only at the end was i able to see the issues. Honestly, i dont know if it was ever possible to while we were together, I struggle to understand why i couldnt but just know that it wasnt possible and in no way is that on her.

I agree with Sehra needing counselling and that maybe it is just a snippet. I agree with that guidance in many ways, the way i see who i was would have been hell. I was never violent, i loved her so much but the constant range of extremes from one to complete anger would have caused so much pain for her. To top it off, sex was something that in my head, would make things better, that it would take away the rejection i felt and make me whole again. Im sure that for her, i made her feel used. To be honest, the more i think about it, the more i know how i must have made her feel and i am repulsed that i did that to her. The hardest part is now i see what i was really after, i made sex the excuse, i put her lack of affection to me onto her as the reason i was angry. It never was, sure it triggered something in me but in my logical mind, i know it had nothing to do with me. What i wanted was her, her love but i guess i convinced myself and her that it was the physical side i needed and nothing else. Its pretty confronting to realise how completely against my beliefs that i have been towards her.

I do hope, every second of the day, that somehow i can make this up to her. I could go on for a lifetime about how much she means to me, about how beautiful and perfect she is to me in every way.Yet the only story that matters anymore is how i let myself hurt her. It tears me apart every day.

I sound obsessed dont I? I guess in a way i am. I know how wrong her idea of my feelings towards her is. I cant blame her for that, I own that. I just cant bear the thought of losing her without her knowing the truth.

But i have to deal with myself for now i guess. See where this road takes me.

Richard