Accepting that I was abused [Trigger warning: sexual assault]

[CloudyKayla]

Hi, im 21 and a few years ago my current boyfriend raped me. A lot. After a lot of arguing over it he finally stopped. He also used to be physically violent. I have only come to accept that i was raped and abused recently. I cant have sex with him without having flashbacks and crying, i have constant anxiety around him. I love him and i feel its too complicated to break up, all of these things stopped because i did break up with him but we got back together.

I recently had social workers come to my work to talk about domestic violence and i broke down crying and had to leave the room, i had forgotten all of the awful things he did but they made me remember and everything just plays on loop everyday in my mind. I look at him and just cant understand how he could do that to me. I have the worst anxiety ive had in years, i dont know what to do.

[CloudyKayla]

Thank you!

I’m planning on starting back at the gym to occupy myself, I haven’t been in quite some time haha

we were both still living at home so I’m with my mum still for now.

It will be difficult because we work at the same place and I will see him around but I think I know it’s for good this time.

Thanm you again.

[stormcloudz]

Oh that's great, I'm glad you are with your mum. I hope you get along : )

At some stage you may feel like it's time to explore other workplaces as a fresh start (unless this is a dream job rather than just some cash). But as long as you are safe, that's OK, one thing at a time.

It is a brilliant idea to get back to the gym. Aside from fitness, I've been told it is good for mental health, and I've found that to be true.

Please post whenever you have news or just want to chat, I'll keep an eye on your thread. Stay strong, CloudyKayla! You are one brave soul : )

[CloudyKayla]

Yeah I’m really close with my mum which I’m so thankful for.

I only recently started this job and it’s pretty good pay so not sure if I’ll be ready to leave it for some time but I’ll see how I go.

Thank you so much stormcloudz!

[Doolhof]

Hi CloudyKayla,

As a person who went through something similar to yourself, I would like to suggest that you remind yourself why you left this person (you don't have to remember in graphic detail) if he tries to contact you and wants to get back together again.

Yes people can change, but some people are unable to do so.

When we have separated from someone whom we felt we loved and cared for, we may think we can change them, give them a second chance and everything will be lovely.

That may happen for some, but not everyone.

I'd like to encourage you to concentrate on things you would like to do in your life now. There may be opportunity to catch up with old friends. You won't know until you try.

You have the opportunity now to make a fresh start.

One thing I read recently is to help you get over a relationship is to not just think of the horrid things that happened, but to be thankful for the good moments as well. You don't need tot ry and find a balance, you don't have to lie to yourself either. Just acknowledge there was some good and find a way to move on.

Cheers to you from Dools

[stormcloudz]

I'm really glad you get along with your mum CloudyKayla : )

I understand about the job. But if it does start to feel uncomfortable and you decide to move, at least employers won't be surprised if you change jobs frequently at 21.

Please post anytime for a chat or support if you need it. As you can see from Doolhoff's post above, you'll find a lot of understanding here.

[PamelaR]

Hello CloudyKayla

It's so good to see you have had wonderful support from StormCloudz - Such a wonderful person. As you can see just nominated for Valued Contributor for June. Well done StormCloud!. Tried to find your thread but couldn't. Sorry for intruding here CloudyKayla.

While I'm here CloudyKayla - I've read Dool's post to you and get the gist of what's been happening for you. You're very brave. Well done you. I left my first hubby 43 years ago after 12 months marriage. I still loved him when I left but knew he wouldn't change - I'd tried. It was the best decision I made and have never looked back.

Thank you for sharing your story here CloudyKayla.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[stormcloudz]

PamelaR - thank you : ) I had to look up the little blue cup! I don't have my own thread yet : ) Also, how brave you were, leaving your husband, and in the 70s when that was less common.

CloudyKayla, hello there and I hope things are going OK for you. As you can see, we are keeping an eye on your thread, so if you want to chat, feel free. Regardless, I'll send you some warm thoughts of support and admiration for your bravery : )

[PamelaR]

Hi CloudyKayla

Sending you warm thoughts too.

Stormcloudz - Actually that was the time when women were starting to become 'feminists'. I had some male work colleagues who were great mentors and opened the world of feminism to me. Helped significantly to make the decision to leave. That, and he got me a transfer interstate!

[CloudyKayla]

Thank you Dools,

ive moved past trying to defend what he has done and I’m really angry and for now I’m allowing myself to be angry because that’s what’s getting me through not speaking to him haha

i have already seen friends I saw rarely while with him and I feel free, I am struggling to get out of bed most days but I am having positive days and I know that even though I’m struggling this is for the best.

[CloudyKayla]

Thank you Pamela! Oh wow that must have been really tough after being married for 12 years! So glad that you had the courage and did the right thing for you!

Stormcloudz has been very helpful, that nomination is very well deserved!