Looking for hope

[Showmehope]

Looking for some hope as I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle against PTSD. I’ve started doing exposure therapy along with CBT. I think I’m beating it for a few days them BOOM, I’m back on the starting line of this journey. I need to know that this constant exposure to my triggers is worth it as I don’t know if I can continue it without hope. I’m determined to beat it but I struggle because I’m a single mother of a little girl and I can’t find a balance of fighting this and still being a good Mum. I have no family in this country so it’s just the two of us and I sometimes feel that the avoidance is the better option for my daughters well being but I know that this is part of the condition which I so desperately want to overcome.

[JessF]

Hello Showmehope, welcome here. I have done exposure therapy before, and from how I understand it, it's all about working your way up very gradually to being exposed to the full extent of the thing that is triggering you, not jumping straight in the deep end. So if you're afraid of going in a lift, for example, you might start by pushing the button to call the lift, and then move on to standing in the lift with the doors open, and so on. You only move on to the next step if you feel your anxiety is under control. If you are getting triggered too much then it sounds like your steps might be too large and you need to break it down further. Have you talked to your therapist about this yet? The other thing too is that progress doesn't always go in a straight line. You may take a few steps back after going forward a bit, but it's the progress over time that counts.

[White_Rose]

Hello Jess

Nice to see you again. I hope this means you are feeling well. Or maybe you have just returned from a long fabulous holiday. Whatever, it's good to see you again.

Mary

[Showmehope]

Thanks JessF,s. I have spoken to the therapist about it and she has advised me to stop running before I can walk. I appreciate your advice. I feel like I can’t get past step 4 of 10 on my first hierarchy and I still have another to go after I complete this one. I guess I’m probably pushing harder than I should because I’m desperate for the end result and it just seems so out of reach. My trauma happened at work and I feel a lot of pressure from myself and WorkCover to try and get back as quickly as I can. I loved my job the day before the accident and I want that feeling back but everything and everyone in that place triggers me. I can see my progress and I feel good about how far I’ve come but it’s hard to explain to people why it’s taking so long to get over it when they see me there. I feel like they have no idea how much effort it has taken me just to enter the building. I get triggered when they say, it must be nice for your daughter having you at home. Well it’s not, it’s not nice for her at all to have me around in the state I’m sometimes in.

[JessF]

Hello Mary thank you! I come and go a bit from here, a long holiday would be nice when I come to think of it, perhaps I should start saving up for one.

Hello Showmehope, it's good you can see progress. Do you think maybe the gap between your step 3 and 4 is too big? Is there a step 3 and a half you could think of?

And yes, that extra pressure can come from feeling the expectations of other people and how much you 'should' be. People don't know what to say when you're going through these kinds of illnesses, they're trying to find something nice they can say, so focusing on you getting to spend time with your daughter is that something nice they can think of. It must be tempting to snap "it's not a holiday" at them I imagine. Do you need any extra support at home for when you're struggling?

[White_Rose]

Dear Showmehope

Hello and welcome to the forum. It's good to see you here.

I have not had any personal experience with exposure therapy but Jess' explanation sounds good. There is often confusion when a therapist is helping someone work through a process. I understand that a backward step, or an apparent backwards step is common. I think it comes feeling overwhelmed by what's happening and not having enough time to process the information or time to get your head round the subject.

You are obviously a caring person who wants to get well as much for your daughter's sake as your own.

When you experience a time of uncertainty in your progress it may be useful to sit somewhere quietly and think about what is happening. Have you forgotten at some point what to do? Are you tired and cannot find the energy to work through the process? Although it may seem this way, have you actually not done all you should on a particular occasion.

We are impatient people and expect our selves to get well in a short time. I remember going to a psychiatrist and after about six months I asked him long I was going to see him. Of course what I was really asking was when I would be well again. You can imagine my horror at being told I would have to go for several years. I don't think I actually put on a temper tantrum in his office but I certainly felt that way. We tend to think of mental illness in the same way as a physical illness. Usually the doctor can tell us how long we will be unwell and then it's back to the usual life.

Mental illness is different in that there is rarely only one cause and it takes time to reprogram our brains. Added to that is trying work and care for your daughter it's not surprising you have a down time occasionally.

Take Jess' suggestion and talk to your therapist about what is happening. She/he may be going too fast for you. Perhaps a revision of what you have done so far will help you see the process as a whole. It's good to look back occasionally and see clearly how far you have come.

You are right in saying that avoidance is not a good option. Not good for you or your daughter. Saying I need to know that this constant exposure to my triggers is worth it as I don’t know if I can continue it without hope. is understandable. I think it's a good question to ask your therapist and perhaps talk about it at one session.

Mary

[Showmehope]

Yes Jess I think you could be right. Step 4 does need some breaking down. I feel lucky that I can see this for what it is and I’m fully aware that other people are not to blame. I have much better control over the anger this causes and tend to just shutdown, no sadness or anger just nothing. This is what my daughter lives with about 3-4 days a week and it’s exhausing to try and constantly breathe, ground myself, challenge my thoughts, distraction, Etc. Sometimes it’s nice just to be there for a rest. I was in that state everyday for a long time so I know that I’m definitely progressing with my healing. I have reached out for support from some friends however it sort of backfired when they offered me the same solutions that the PTSD is telling me to do. Avoid, avoid and avoid. I have asked them to read about it and understand that I can’t beat it by doing that and to try and support me in a better way as I do the exposure so fingers crossed they come to the rescue. I hate asking for help but I know I can’t keep trying to do this alone without hurting my daughter.

[Showmehope]

Thank you Rose. I think what you said about just sitting down and thinking about what I need to do is absolutely correct. I need to continue to challenge these thoughts when I’m triggered and I’m much better at doing that when I’ve had a good sleep. It made me realise that just listening to music and playing the guitar will ground me and not use much energy unlike going out with friends or the gym. This is one of those days where I need to be kind to myself and give my mind a rest by being mindful and letting the thoughts pass by. I’m very pleased to have joined this group and would welcome all advice on anything worth trying to help me.

[White_Rose]

Hello SMH

Is it OK to shorten your name? You have tried to talk to some friends but I gather with not much success. If you look under Get Support you will see a link to publications to order or download. Download whatever you want. Some of the information is in booklets which you can send for free of charge. Just fill in the online request and wait until the postman knocks at your door.

I am suggesting you get information as you can give it to your friends. There are publications especially for family and friends and it may help with their understanding.

It is lovely to simply sit and be. Listening to music is great and I do that a lot. The radio gets put on as soon as I get up. I have always wanted to play the guitar and also play the piano. I had piano lessons. My sons and two of my grandchildren play guitar. It looks like a great way to relax. Exercise is also good for depression as it releases endorphins into your system and you feel good. Not that I take my own advice very much.

Meeting up with friends helps you to not feel so alone. We are a gregarious people and we need others within reach if not actually standing next to us. Having said that I have spent much of this week at home on my own and really enjoyed myself. I have been able to work on my embroidery which is relaxing, and listen to music. I also know I can get very sorry for myself if I am on my own too much. We need to find that balance.

Glad you like being here. You may like to browse other threads and forums and see how others manage their various difficulties. Feel free to join in any conversation.

Mary

[Showmehope]

Hi Mary

Yes It’s absolutely fine to shorten my name. I find this PTSD all very confusing. That’s excellent about the information and I will definitely utilise it. I have good friends here and I know if I reached out they would support me but I’m in two minds (quite literally) as to tell them as I feel I need some of them not to know just so I can be with them when I have good days and be the old me again from time to time. The friends I have told are not my closest ones. I haven’t told my family as they live overseas and I don’t want them to feel helpless.