Accepting that I was abused [Trigger warning: sexual assault]

[CloudyKayla]

Hi, im 21 and a few years ago my current boyfriend raped me. A lot. After a lot of arguing over it he finally stopped. He also used to be physically violent. I have only come to accept that i was raped and abused recently. I cant have sex with him without having flashbacks and crying, i have constant anxiety around him. I love him and i feel its too complicated to break up, all of these things stopped because i did break up with him but we got back together.

I recently had social workers come to my work to talk about domestic violence and i broke down crying and had to leave the room, i had forgotten all of the awful things he did but they made me remember and everything just plays on loop everyday in my mind. I look at him and just cant understand how he could do that to me. I have the worst anxiety ive had in years, i dont know what to do.

[CloudyKayla]

Hi everyone, sorry I haven’t checked on this thread in a little while, I really appreciate all of the supportive comments and all of you checking in on my thread!

Im doing okay, I’ve been to one psych appointment so far and plan on going regularly, I have no intention of going back to him and at this stage I’m really, really angry at him and I don’t feel guilty for it. I always defended him as he was always so apologetic and ashamed but obviously that was a lie as he continued what he was doing.

I have been pretty depressed and struggled to get out of bed and leave the house but I’m taking one day at a time.

[Doolhof]

Hi CloudyKayla,

Leaving a relationship can cause a sense of grief and loss. There are different stages to grief and one of them is anger. A psychologist told me once that we need to experience all the different stages of grief and loss before we can move on.

Sounds like you can tick off anger soon!

Hope you manage to get yourself out of bed and can make plans for your day!

Good on you for catching up with old friends! Hope you can set yourself some achievable goals!

Cheers, all the best from Dools