Accepting that I was abused [Trigger warning: sexual assault]

[CloudyKayla]

Hi, im 21 and a few years ago my current boyfriend raped me. A lot. After a lot of arguing over it he finally stopped. He also used to be physically violent. I have only come to accept that i was raped and abused recently. I cant have sex with him without having flashbacks and crying, i have constant anxiety around him. I love him and i feel its too complicated to break up, all of these things stopped because i did break up with him but we got back together.

I recently had social workers come to my work to talk about domestic violence and i broke down crying and had to leave the room, i had forgotten all of the awful things he did but they made me remember and everything just plays on loop everyday in my mind. I look at him and just cant understand how he could do that to me. I have the worst anxiety ive had in years, i dont know what to do.

[CloudyKayla]

Thank you

[geoff]

Hi Mikayla, your friend is gold to say what she has just as what Stormcloudz has also mentioned.

Now you have three of us who all agree, 21 years old is the beginning of your life, you can't be worried about 'what if', you need and certainly want someone to respect you, love you and show the gentle love you are after.

The damage has been done and in this instead can't be repaired.

Geoff.

[CloudyKayla]

Thank you Geoff,

well I know what I’ve got to do to start moving forward, I just need to find the courage to do it.

Thank you all so much, I’ll keep you all updated.

[stormcloudz]

Hi Mikayla - we know it can be complicated, so please post whenever you like and we'll try to be here for you. We know there are ups and downs, so don't hesitate to post anything, there will only be love and support coming your way. Good on you for working on this and figuring out a path forward.

[CloudyKayla]

Thank you

[CloudyKayla]

I broke up with him yesterday, I didn’t expect to do it so soon but I just did it. I was upset yesterday but now I just feel empty/numb, I don’t know what to do from here.

[stormcloudz]

Oh my God Kayla! I didn't expect that either! I'm so proud of you for recognising what you needed and then following through. You clearly had a strong drive to change things at a deep level.

It's OK to feel sad, numb, confused and uncertain at this time. That's normal when we end a relationship. There's always mixed feelings, even when the relationship didn't work. Give yourself some time to recover from the break-up, it will be OK.

I still wonder if it would help to talk to a therapist, as you have been through some serious trauma. They could also support you with the break-up. If you feel like doing this, try calling Headspace or RESPECT and seeing if they can offer the right type of support.

Anyway, I just wanted to offer you some very warm support and maybe even some congratulations on making this big change. That's pretty amazing, CloudyKayla!

[CloudyKayla]

Thank you stormcloudz, I guess once I had made the decision I just couldn’t bare being in the relationship still, I keep thinking maybe I’ve made the wrong decision, mainly because he was so good about it and wanted me to go get help for my mental health and was generally just more worried about me. Another part of me is just so relieved but I just don’t really know what to do with myself, I spent 95% of my time with him this past 4 years and lost all of my friends because only until the past year and a half he stopped getting upset when I wanted to go spend time with someone else.

He did some awful things and then acted like the perfect boyfriend and my head is still so confused about whether or not he’s a good person.

I will definitely try see a psychologist, I’m just giving myself a few more days to grieve this I suppose.

I really appreciate all the support from this forum/site, I don’t think I would have left if I hadn’t posted here.

[CloudyKayla]

I just realised also, yesterday and today I haven’t had any memories playing on loop in my mind!

[stormcloudz]

Hi CloudyKayla

That is a big change, not having the memories playing on loop. I'm really glad for you.

I know that this is your first serious relationship, so I'll just let you know that it's really normal to have doubts after breaking up, and especially to wonder how to fill the hole that the relationship leaves. It's also really normal to wonder what to do with your time. It's OK to give yourself some time to adjust. It will take a little time to work out what you actually like doing, when you aren't accommodating someone else. Treat yourself kindly and gently, and do a few things that you like doing, or always wanted to try.

Expect lots of mixed feelings for a while. That's also very normal. Maybe try to avoid any big decisions about the relationship for a few weeks - give yourself time to adjust. If you need to vent and its not a good time to call your friend, give one of the numbers above a ring.

I think it is very natural to be grieving the relationship. You sound like such a sensible and wonderful person, I would love to see you safe and happy.

Are you living somewhere safe now?