System pressures pushing you to choose between your security or your daughter.

[Donte]

Recently I have been forced to live with less money or move out of my home.

This has caused havoc to my anxiety which has skyrocketed and my depression to a point where even though I am on medications, I still cannot sleep or eat or calm my mind.

I wake up in the middle of the night and my brain is trying to find ways to survive. I have nightmares and unsettling dreams that torture me. My stress is gone over the roof!

Let me explain: I live in a National Rental Affordability Scheme apartment as I am low income the scheme subsidizes the rent.

I moved in six years ago when my daughter was still an adolescent and I was the only one working.

To be eligible for this affordable housing you need to earn within the limit as every year there’s an income review and you need to provide pay slips etc as evidence of income.

The last income review showed that I exceed the limit as my daughter is now over eighteen and she has started work.

I had already limited my days of work last couple of years to meet the eligibility and keep my otherwise ‘permanent’ accommodation.

I live with a life-limiting illness and as I age it’s a great security to know that my rent will never exceed 30% of my grossed up income. There have been periods where I was too sick to work full time and my rent decreased accordingly.

I have the option of either ask my daughter to leave (she’s 22 and has lived with me since my divorce when she was 9), and then they’ll relocate me to a one-bedroom apartment somewhere else; or reduce my income further as they calculate the annual grossed up income for both of us.

If I don’t do any of this, we have six months to move out and lose eligibility for housing.

My daughter pays half of the rent and I have reduced my days of work to two in order to be within the limit. This though is not enough to survive after the rent and car loan is deducted.

My dilemma is security or risking moving in the private rental again.

My cultural values and experience gravitate towards the security option. But the limitation of not being able to work (which culturally for me equates success and progress), is really impacting me.

I’ve been told by the Housing officers that if I kick my daughter out I’ll be able to earn more as a sole tenant but will move out of the home despite.

Culturally is unfathomable to ‘kick out’ my 22yo who just started work last year and in many ways is not ready to be completely on her own.

Very worried.

[Donte]

It is not always easy Brunswick,

As we often are focused on surviving, living day to day and feeling often let down or lose hope. However, we all need to protect ourselves and the ones we love especially in the midst of too much uncertainty.

I believe if we remind ourselves of our strengths and achievements then we continue to build on. Thank you for reminding me and summarizing it in such a way that puts it into perspective.

I have learnt in my life that if I’m honest, then I can face my problems and seek help, rather than deny or avoid them. This is how we can take responsibility for our actions.

It’s not always easy being courageous and share our problems with others but when we dare we find others respond often with compassion and empathy. In a way this helps us to persevere through difficult circumstances.

I enjoy maintaining engagements and cherish interactions in this forum of Multicultural experiences. Despite our vast differences there are so many similarities even in cultures geometrically apart from each other.

I find this forum helps me to be more understanding of the needs and feelings of others; even if very different to mine.

In my short time here I have grown my knowledge, education and skills while simultaneously I have stood up for my rights and stayed true to my values.

Circumstances have taught me to be patient with the process. To take my time. Do as much as feels comfortable. Keep goals small and achievable.

What is your experience with setting goals, having hopes and dreams?

[Donte]

Disney said once:

’It is not hard to make a decision when you know what your values are.’

The difficulty often is to choose between conflicting values and decipher which one is more important in terms of immediate versus long term priority...

This experience is helping me exploring what is most important to me? Why is it important? And what does it give me?

Can you remember Pepper times when you felt you were really happy and living in line with your values? What was happening? What value were you living?

[Brunswick]

Too true, donte. And I will admit I have my fair share of disappointments. But, we do need to persevere and if we don't try, we've lost anyway.

I am like many other depressives - apparently doing well but feeling like crap inside. Being part of groups like this helps. It reminds me that I'm not being silly feeling the way I do. But it also reminds me to keep trying, to acknowledge my successes however small and insignificant they may seem to me.

I see how great the people here are, caring for one another even though they are suffering themselves. I do want us all to get the success and happiness we so deserve.

[Donte]

Hello Brunswick,

That’s true. These forums are a great source of support as they’re moderated and safe and allow people to share and explore with others their lived experiences in a respectful and anonymous space.

This provides us with the opportunity to engage and interact within the strict parameters of community standards that prevent abuse and further marginalization or discrimination which often happens on social media.

The additional benefit is that we can access them at any time from anywhere.

Eaxh time we share our wounds the trauma somehow weakens.

Great to have you onboard. X

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Donte’ (and all),

What a thoughtful reply 🙂 I also appreciated the quote. Thanks so much for sharing it.

Yes, I get what you’re saying about priorities and the importance of understanding what (and why) a decision is personally important to you.

Can you remember Pepper times when you felt you were really happy and living in line with your values? What was happening? What value were you living?

Honestly, it’s hard for me to recall happy times. Don’t remember very many...usually I associate “happiness” more with escapism so maybe it’s not exactly happiness in my case then...

My values? I think they’re evolving and what I’ve learnt is values don’t exist in a vacuum. Feelings and context also play a huge part in my decision making process so it’s complex...

Great questions! It’s always good to talk to you 🙂

Pepper xoxo

[Brunswick]

Dear Peppermint (dunno why we don't start our posts like this anymore. It seems kinder and less impersonal than Hi). One of the hardest part in getting out of my depression was, and still is, recognising that there are happy moments in my life everyday. I have to remind myself of times when people have been nice to me, or when I've done something good. I have to tell myself how lucky I am everyday and appreciate all the good things that happened. Things like, I woke up today still healthy. I didn't catch a cold or someyhing. I love coffee and I look forward to it. I give myself time to savor it and to remind myself how great this is.

I think about how easy it is for children to be happy. Sometimes, they are happy just to see you. They can be happy just waking up. Children have so little and are so dependent on other people. They are so vulnerable. And yet, they are happy so easily. Maybe it is just biology that this is so but I remind myself that being happy about the small things is what happiness is all about.

I needed to learn how to be happy and see how, despite all my depressing reality, I am actually very lucky and have a lot to be happy about. I needed to learn that doing this will help me get out of my depression and get on with my life. And that reality is actually a lot more positive than my thoughts are telling me.

I am encouraged by something I read somewhere on the Internet: it took us a lifetime to learn to be unhappy, it won't be easy to unlearn this. Thankfully, it won't take another lifetime. Thankfully, it will happen faster. Maybe not as fast as we'd like, but it's not as hard as we feared.

Maybe you can start by telling yourself: I am going to learn how to be happy. From now on, I am going to find and enjoy all the moments of happiness I can. Is this in itself already a happy thought? And a positive project? Everytime you feel unhappy, give yourself time to step back and remind yourself of this project. Be kind to yourself. *hugs*

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Brunswick (and a wave to Donte’ and all),

I’m sorry it has taken me a little while to reply. Thanks so much for the kind and very thoughtful post to me 🙂

Sorry, I understand what you’re saying by how you feel opening a post with “dear” feels warmer to you. I hear what you’re saying but I must admit that I personally feel more comfortable opening with “hi” because it I like how it sounds casual , easy-going and friendly to me. I hope that’s okay with you. But if you prefer opening with “dear”, by all means, please go for it 🙂

You have clearly come a long way on your road to happiness. I’m glad your gentle reminders to yourself, warm outlook and being grateful and appreciative have all helped to improve your sense of contentment. That’s beautiful and empowering...

Thank you so much for sharing such a caring post. I really appreciate it 🙂

Hugs to you too,

Pepper xo

[Donte]

Hi dear!

(There you go! There's always another way! hahaha - integration!) X

[Donte]

That's beautiful Brunswick, and true!

Yes, life is nothing but the accumulation of moments, and despite the depression or anxiety, there are some beautiful, happy, great moments that we all experience all the time. It's a matter of being mindful of them an paying attention to them when they occur and then reminding ourselves of them when we are down.

We often feel our emotions or moods get in the way of reaching our goals. It is quite common for most people to have this experience. However, even though at times our emotions will need to be managed, most of the time they should enhance our potential and capacity to reach our goals - happiness, peace etc. We often can forget that the primary role of emotions are to enhance our life, and are not just there to be controlled or managed.

What emotions normally get in the way of you reaching your goals?

if you said depression and/or anxiety you wouldn't be alone, most people report some to major difficulties with fear and anxiety at some stage in their life, and as a result they feel defeated and depressed, this could include; fear of failure, fear of success, fear of public speaking, social anxiety, panic attacks, performance anxiety etc.

Other emotions that can be hard to cope with include; depression, guilt, shame, embarrassment, resentment, low motivation, anger etc.

So how can we turn these emotions back into an asset in our life instead of a liability?

The moment we set a goal for ourselves, and if it is important to us, it will probably be outside our comfort zone, important and meaningful. So often when we are faced with taking some of the initial steps towards this goal we will always feel some fear or anxiety and have setbacks.

This is one common mistake we make; we don't expect the fear/anxiety or setback, when the reality is, if the goal is important to us and substantial they both will happen. Worse still, most people can use this as a sign to give up, that they are not ready to face this goal, hopeless, that it must be the wrong goal, and the list of negative interpretations could go on forever!

However, the problem is not the fear/anxiety, depression or setbacks but how we respond to these things in our lives. We need to challenge the myths that say 'forget past failure and move on'; 'brave people don't feel fear'; 'fear is bad or a weakness'; 'don't be afraid'; 'sharing your fears is weakness'; 'fear reduces performance' etc.

We need emotionally intelligent ways to respond to these myths.

[Donte]

I've been thinking more on how the problem is not the actual anxiety or depression or the setbacks (the symptoms) but rather how we respond to these things in our lives.

The common myths have to be challenged by emotionally intelligent ways of responding to the anxiety, depression and fears and setbacks, but how, you might ask?

I think similar to cognitive behavioural therapy, we need to listen to ourselves and challenge our thoughts. For example, if we believe that 'we have to forget past failure and move on', let's remind ourselves that fear is power; do not waste it, learn from it and from your past.

For those who think that 'brave people don't feel fear',keep in mind that if you are not feeling fear or anxiety you are not ready to tackle your goal!

If we say to ourselves that 'fear is bad, a sign of weakness and should be avoided', let's say to ourselves that we wouldn't be human if we did not feel fear or anxiety when facing a challenge.

If we hate feeling fear and want to avoid it, we can keep in mind that most people want their fear removed NOT improved. We need to get to know our fears intimately to improve them.

If we think 'there's no value in fear', let's remember, fear is good. Knowing why we are feeling it is even better.

Those who think that 'fear reduces performance', may need to keep in mind that using our fears positively will enhance our life and make us more successful.

I used to think that sharing my fears was a weakness. Now I know that sharing my fears is a relief. 🙂