Difficulty in distinguishing between casual racism and a neutral comment

[Rob13579]

My father became an Australian citizen in his 20s during his studies; so I was an Australian citizen by descent when I was born. However, I was born and raised overseas until I was 13 years old and then I moved to Australia. I can speak English clearly most of the time when I am not tired or nervous, but I still have a foreign accent (as described by some people I have encountered over the past 9 years in Australia).

Over the past 9 years, I have noticed that if I do not speak much, some people naturally assume that I do not speak or understand English well. I was in a seminar and there was a Mandarin translation service. After the seminar, an acquaintance at the time asked me whether the headphones worked properly. At the moment, I wondered whether it was because I looked Chinese to him (whom I had barely spoken with a week before the seminar) and that means I do not understand English? By the way, Chinese is a nationality and there are 56 ethnic groups in China.

I gave 2 talks which were great according to the audience; however, both times after the talk, an acquaintance I have known for ~3 years said perfect or great English as a compliment. I said to myself, so an East Asian looking person or someone with a foreign accent does not generally speak English well? which is a speculation of mine. One time someone on the street thought I looked "Vietnamese" and said "hello" to me in Vietnamese as he explained. Another person I met for the first time at a train station was impressed by my English after he found out that I was born and raised overseas. Even friends (not close) asked me how could I speak good English because "many" "Chinese" people they know do not speak English as good as I do, or they said something similar to that.

There are more experiences similar to the above examples. They all asked me "where are you from (originally)?" at some point. I sometimes struggle to answer that question because I do not know what they actually mean by "originally". I have been an Australian citizen since I was born in East Asia, so I am actually from Australia and East Asia? Or should I answer where I was born?

I believe people who asked those questions or made those comments did not mean to offend anyone. They simply have not had many multicultural interactions in their lives due to all sort of reasons, or they are trying to be nice by making a compliment.
However, I could not help but feel self-conscious because even today I still have similar experiences.

[Donte]

Hello Hayfa,

Thank you for contributing to this important discussion.

It’s true, humans, like all other animals discriminatevagainst anything different, anything that stands out. It is often perceived as a threat.

One of my favorite songs by Siousie & the Banshees tells a story about a bird that some kids capture and paint its wings for fun. When they let it fly, it goes to find its flock naturally, only to get killed by the rest of the flock who don't recognize it due to the different appearance it now has!

People are like all other species. At a primal level, we tend to reject anyone who looks or smells or sounds different than the rest. It’s just nature.

Racism can also be experienced by the same cultural group towards people within the same group. For example, mainland Greeks may not like an islander Greek accent etc.

Also, for example, Greece-born people may discriminate against Australian-Greeks and Vice-versa etc. I see it all the time! And it is applicable to every single ethnicity.

We don’t like differences. We are attracted to similars and feel safe and secure within our own little groups. Most like the familiar. The secret is to find a balance and accept differences without pin pointing them and making an issue out of it.

I was told once to never compliment ones appearance or clothes, rather comment on their attributes and achievements; their contributions to society.

We don’t get to choose where we are born or what language and religion we are taught. We don’t get to choose our sex or skin color, so why bother pointing it out? Maybe,after all, we are not as evolved as we would like to believe we are!

[Donte]

Hello Quercus,

I think you are right when you say we are the ones in control of our lives and our reactions.

We cannot be the flavor of the day for everyone and anyone all the time!

What we do with other people’s judgement and prejudices and how we detach from that so it doesn’t hurt us is a skil we all have to learn early on in life.

I grew up hearing from my mother that I wasn’t good enough or smart enough or handsome enough as so and so. As a child I was hurt and misplaced feeling judgement and disapproval. But as an adult I see things differently. So what if I’m not so and so? Big deal if I’m not as good, as smart, as handsome, as tall, as rich etc etc

I’m me. I’m not them! And I wouldn’t want to be anybody else even if I had the chance. I’m good enough for me. The rest will gave to deal with their own issues in their own ways. I’m not responsible for their reactions.

That has helped me carry on in the midst of hostility and judgement. X

[Elizabeth CP]

I have read through this thread & can understand why people may feel upset being asked about their ethnicity oir similar particularly if this has been used in the past in a negative way. On the other handI think sometimes people ask these questions as small talk & to get to know the person. Finding out someone comes from x. They then ask what X is like & through this discussion learn about that person's country, ethniity, culture from the person's point of view. For me understanding other cultures is interesting & gives me a greater appreciation of our differences & similarities & learn from each other. I think anything which promotes greater understanding is a good thing & helps break down stereotypes. We have all hear things at school in the media or from other people about different countries & nationalities & their history. I like to understand the lived experience of the person from that area or descended from that area. I certainly don't want to put people into boxes & rate them as good or bad or in between.

My question is 'How can we ask questions to promote health discussion & learning without unintentionally insulting people or upsetting them?'

[quirkywords]

Maybe I am missing the point here, But I am a curious question and I ask people what town they come from from all time- as I have a shop and it is a way to connect with customers.

If I ask a question I am not stereotyping I am asking people a question where they come from.

In the 1960s and 1970s I was often asked what country I came from as I had dark hair and brown eyes not blond.

When I travel overseas people ask me what country I am from and I tell them as they are just being friendly.

I can see if the question comes with assumptions and stereotypes as I get when I tell people my religion, that can be annoying.

I would like to know the answer to Elizabeth's question

"How can we ask questions to promote health discussion & learning without unintentionally insulting people or upsetting them?"

Quirky

[JessF]

I think part of the answer might lie in reflecting on why we feel the need to ask questions in the first place. Being curious in itself is not a virtue, it might satisfy you but from reading the answers in this thread it is obviously quite exhausting for the person who has to endure these questions over and over, with the cumulative effect being a message that 'they obviously don't think I belong, or they wouldn't have asked me the question'.

If you're travelling overseas, you are a self-identified 'outsider' so I think it's a bit different to people who have lived in a place for decades and still get asked where they're from.

I have found if you take the time to get to know a person through regular conversation, they will usually volunteer information about where they are from, be it another country or the next street over.

[Hayfa]

Hi,

What a very good question!
I have found from personal experience and from my work with supporting people that it is never what you say or ask but how you say or ask it. If a person shows genuine interest and asks questions from the perspective of being inspired, holding in high esteem or envying you then it can empowering to feel valued and feel that people have a genuine interest in YOU as the person.
Those positive, genuine interactions and questions that come from wanting to know because of admiration are the ones that open to more conversations that teach and build knowledge.

I would really love to hear your views on this Rob, you started a wonderful thread that obviously resonates with many people.

Hayfa

I

[Rob13579]

Hi all

Thank you for all of your replies. Sorry I have been busy the past few days.

I just say "Thank you" and move on whenever someone gives me any compliment as long as they are not being sarcastic.

I usually answer where I was born and move on. If I were talking to relatively close friends, I would give them the long version.

I think I am getting used to those questions and comments I described above; nevertheless, whenever I am having a bad day, I get sensitive to almost everything.

Sometimes people say things unexpected and I do not even have time to process the situation, so my answers are usually very short.

My point is sometimes I get confused about people's mentality when they make certain comments or ask certain questions.

Like what some of you have said, people try to understand or make sense of each other. Some people are trying to know me; meanwhile, I am trying to understand them.

Yes, it is up to me to decide how I respond.

Often I am not affected by some people's controversial comments or questions, but sometimes I just get tired of hearing the same comments or questions which may associate with some stereotypes and/or have a negative connotation.

The crux of the issue is about understanding and respecting different opinions. Having genuine and respectful conversations, and always keep a positive attitude in our daily lives (which I am still working on) reduces misunderstandings and conflicts (verbal or mental).

I thought this was a good topic for discussion, but I did not realise this topic resonates so many people.

Again thank you all for sharing your experiences, advice, and discussion.

I am new here by the way.

"Greetings, everyone."

[Donte]

Hello Elizabeth,

That is such a good point you’ve raised! Thank you.

We live in such an intense and suffocating politically correct environment these days that we constantly walk on eggshells and no matter what we might say or not say someone, somewhere gets offended.

It has made me avoid eye contact, avoid conversations and small talk and carry on all alone doing my own thing. The less interactionthe better. No hellos in the lift. No gestures down the street. No eye contact unless absolutely necessary (like when I’m paying for petrol) and that really quick and momentary before I glance away. At the lights I only look ahead through my tinted windows and very dark sunglasses.

Even with all the anxious awareness and the overly tense state of alert that I’m forced to live by here in the inner city in Melbourne, I still get harassed at times and assaulted verbally or physically on a couple of ocassions.

You see, it’s a violent crowd down here, mostly drugged on ice or drunk and one cannot be too careful. Even police is scared and sends four officers with guns in every call they get! (I live in public housing). Double lock my doors and triple lock my windows too as the sirens and police helicopters go rampant every day and night. I’ve witness violence that only in movies most people have seen.

One may say that our environment may affect our mental health and stress levels. I usually put my ear plugs, take a few sleeping pills and try to get a couple of hours sleep if Im lucky.

Won’t be too eager to answer questions about my origin and accent....

[Donte]

Hello JessF,

Thank you got your input in this thread. I don’t believe anyone could have put it better than you did. X

[Donte]

Thank you Rob,

And again a warm welcome! X